Chapter 1
Breaking Free from Expectation Prison
Have you ever felt like you're living someone else's life? Like you're constantly chasing after goals that don't truly resonate with your soul? You're not alone. DeVon Franklin's "Live Free" offers a revolutionary perspective on the invisible force controlling our happiness: expectations. This New York Times bestseller has become a favorite among celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, who praised it as "a life-changing guide to releasing yourself from society's unrealistic and often devastating expectations." In a world where 55% of Americans reported significant stress even before the pandemic, Franklin's message couldn't be more timely. As a renowned producer, author, and spiritual advisor to Hollywood's elite, Franklin draws from both personal experience and professional insight to deliver what Tyler Perry called "the roadmap to true freedom." Let's explore how unmanaged expectations might be the hidden reason you're not living the life you truly desire.
Chapter 2
The Hidden Software Running Your Life
Expectations operate like invisible software controlling your emotions, decisions, and actions without your awareness. The danger lies in the fact that you didn't consciously code this program-many expectations were chosen for you by other people and circumstances. When something goes wrong with this mental software, there's no Genius Bar or instant upgrade to fix the problem.
Just as computers need properly written software to function, we need well-programmed expectations to operate at our best. Without them, our perspective becomes skewed, preventing us from maximizing our potential and achieving true freedom. Our personal operating systems-how we see ourselves, talk to ourselves internally, and organize our lives-often contain bugs that cause us to judge ourselves more harshly than warranted.
Growing up as the middle child in Oakland with an alcoholic father who died young, Franklin craved control and attention. He discovered that excelling in school brought positive reinforcement, which modified his mental software to conclude: "In order to get attention, I need to achieve." The dark inverse became: "If I don't achieve, I won't belong or be accepted."
His nickname "Mr. Perfect" fueled this fire. He internalized the pressure, believing even small mistakes would have dire consequences. This perfectionism drove him to set and achieve many goals, but he lacked perspective. Outwardly successful, he experienced constant internal frustration, anxiety, and self-judgment when things didn't happen as quickly as expected.
Many perfectionists develop this coping mechanism in response to childhood trauma. "In the mind of the perfectionist, the need to get things just right becomes a way of ensuring personal survival." Even after creating a stable adult life, childhood fears can still control behavior, causing a spiral from setting lofty goals into rigid self-criticism for never doing or achieving enough.
Another common bug is suppression-burying trauma or feelings that then manifest in self-destructive behaviors. This hidden pain warps your software, causing compulsive behaviors you feel powerless to change. The key insight: "ANYTHING WE SUPPRESS, WE EMPOWER." Suppression is like throwing clutter into a closet that will eventually burst open.
Chapter 3
The Expectation Crisis: When Reality Doesn't Match Fantasy
We're living in an expectation crisis, bombarded constantly with unrealistic standards. Advertising creates dissatisfaction by design-studies show increased ad spending directly correlates with decreased life satisfaction. Social media compounds this problem, making us feel inadequate as we compare our reality to others' curated presentations. These external pressures drain us emotionally and distort our perspective on what's actually achievable.
Most expectations are unrealistic because they ignore a fundamental truth: control determines realism. Expectations within your control are realistic; those outside your control are dangerous fantasies. While Franklin considers himself a faith addict who believes in possibilities, he's learned the hard way that trying to control what's beyond our influence creates deep frustration. The hardest part is accepting how little power we actually have over most aspects of life-especially the things we care about most.
Relationships suffer most from unrealistic expectations-they're essentially "premeditated resentments." We must remember we control only ourselves, never others-not spouses, children, friends, family, or employees. Problems arise when we assume others will meet our desires without clear communication, or expect them to act against their own interests. This magical thinking distorts reality and leads to frustration, depression, and self-destructive behavior when expectations inevitably go unmet.
Even extraordinary achievers struggle with unrealistic expectations. Simone Biles-the most decorated female gymnast in history with multiple Olympic golds-admitted online trolls damaged her self-image until she learned to reject their standards. She now campaigns against toxic beauty competition through initiatives like #NOCOMPETITION. Most of us absorb these insidious expectations without awareness, creating cycles of striving, failing, and self-blame that can only be broken by identifying these pressures and consciously releasing them.
Research confirms the dangers of unrealistic expectations, particularly for children. A five-year study of thousands of students in Germany and America revealed that while high parental aspirations can improve academic achievement, expectations exceeding reasonable capabilities actually decreased performance. As researcher Kou Murayama put it, "excessive parental aspiration can be poisonous." The key distinction: encouraging excellence is beneficial, but only when standards remain within realistic reach for each individual.
Chapter 4
The Power of Communication: Unspoken Expectations Remain Unmet
Communication is essential for mastering reality and moving toward freedom. Once you've determined an expectation is realistic and of your choosing, you must express it to whoever is involved-even yourself. Unspoken expectations remain unset. People aren't mind readers, so it's up to us to communicate our needs clearly, even when we feel we shouldn't have to explain why something matters to us.
Most people never learn proper communication. Actor Terry Crews describes how his alcoholic father's inability to communicate created family tension and damaged his confidence. Crews realized he'd been withholding communication from his wife to control her, but eventually understood that true intimacy comes when "someone knows all your thoughts... and knows all your problems, and they still love you." Even if you started with communication deficits, you can develop this skill. As Dale Carnegie advised, approach conversations diplomatically-"speak ill of no man" and avoid leading with anger when communicating expectations.
Even when you clearly communicate a realistic expectation, the other person isn't obligated to agree. If they say no, you must work through your feelings rather than blame them. For relationships to function well, both parties need freedom to decline without damaging the connection. Regular conversations are necessary to ensure both people's needs are met, especially since priorities change over time. When disappointed, ask yourself: "Am I reacting to reality or to my expectation of what should be?" Untended negative feelings can fester into resentment, just like unexpressed expectations.
After having an expectation rejected or unmet, you must find ways to reframe it into something achievable. This might mean finding someone else who can meet it or meeting it yourself. As psychologist Melanie Greenberg suggests, rather than stewing in resentment when plans fall through, consider alternatives like going alone or inviting different friends. If someone repeatedly fails to meet agreed-upon expectations, you may need to reconsider the relationship's role in your life. Establishing boundaries is crucial self-care-you can communicate that you won't tolerate broken promises or disrespect, with clear consequences. Once you successfully set and communicate expectations, the benefits multiply exponentially.
Chapter 5
Cultural Expectations: Breaking Free from Invisible Chains
We're all constantly influenced by cultural expectations-shared beliefs, attitudes, and values from our racial, religious, professional, or social groups. While many cultural expectations can be positive when chosen freely, they become problematic when deeply ingrained and unexamined. Much inner turmoil stems from pressure to conform to expectations from family, church, gender groups, or racial communities. Cultural expectations are often the most painful to shed, yet we must honestly assess whether they align with our personal values. Cultural norms aren't unchangeable truths but created realities that we have the power to transform through open-mindedness and inclusivity.
Our fear of cultural rejection has intensified with "cancel culture," where individuals face public shaming and social ostracism for expressing unpopular opinions. This creates immense pressure to conform rather than risk being "canceled." We often post things online not because we want to but because everyone else is doing it. As President Obama noted, the idea of perfect "wokeness" is unrealistic. The 2020 Harper's letter signed by 153 intellectuals warned about the constriction of free exchange of ideas and the intolerance of opposing views. Despite these pressures, we must remain authentic (without harming others) and set expectations with self-respect and compassion.
The pressure to meet others' expectations can be devastating, especially within families we love deeply. Moving away from family expectations might be complicated but necessary for wellbeing. Growing up as a Black Christian man, Franklin faced the expectation to attend Oakwood University like his family before him. Instead, he followed his heart to USC to pursue his Hollywood career dreams. This choice required courage to value his own feelings above family pressure. The key is loving yourself enough that family doesn't become your god.
Immigrant children often must balance their parents' homeland cultural expectations with modern American values. Comedian Yvonne Orji, who titled her HBO special "Momma, I Made It!", navigates Nigerian parental expectations while pursuing comedy after getting her master's degree. Similarly, Aziz Ansari's "Master of None" explores the tension between his Muslim parents' religious expectations and his American lifestyle. In one episode, after ordering pork at dinner with visiting relatives, he explains that while religion has cultural value for his parents' generation, for him it means "people calling me terrorist and getting pulled out of airport security lines." The resolution comes through mutual respect-his parents accept his choices while he avoids disrespecting their beliefs in their presence.
Chapter 6
Relationship Revolution: Releasing Unrealistic Expectations
Unspoken expectations are relationship killers. As Stephen Covey notes, the biggest communication problem is that we listen to reply rather than to understand. Poor communication devastates relationships. A 2017 University College London study identified communication problems as the number-one reason for partnership breakdowns, ranking above growing apart, arguments, and unfaithfulness. Regular relationship checkups are essential-just as you wouldn't wait for your car to break down before changing the oil.
When Franklin and his wife Meagan married, he expected home-cooked meals daily. Initially, she baked chicken regularly, but after returning from six months filming in New York, she stopped. Rather than communicating, Franklin harbored resentment until finally blurting out, "Why aren't you making the chicken?" Meagan revealed she'd felt his unspoken expectation, which removed her joy in cooking. She asked if he'd still love her if she never cooked again. This awakened Franklin to how he'd made his love conditional based on uncommunicated expectations. They agreed neither would be obligated to cook unless they wanted to, strengthening their relationship through honest communication.
Your expectations become the lenses through which you perceive your partner's actions. When they meet your expectations, they seem amazing; when they don't, you judge them harshly. This creates an unfair barometer for relationship happiness, especially when expectations remain uncommunicated. Try removing all expectations for even just an hour and see your partner clearly. Real love exists in the truth of who someone is, not in fantasies about who you hope they'll become.
One of the biggest relationship mistakes is expecting your partner to be the source of your happiness. You must take full responsibility for your own happiness rather than outsourcing this to someone else. No one can make you happy 24/7-it's an unrealistic expectation that weighs down relationships. In healthy relationships, both partners contribute to each other's happiness but aren't the source of it. Just as you wouldn't expect your partner to earn money for you, you shouldn't expect them to create happiness for you. When both partners create their own happiness and bring it into the relationship, they have more collective happiness.
Chapter 7
The Professional Paradox: Focus on Process, Not Results
In our professional lives, the rules differ from personal relationships. Jobs involve exchanging money for services, requiring us to meet employer expectations. However, we must also identify our own professional expectations and assess whether they're realistic. The gap between these expectations often causes frustration. The key to realistic professional expectations boils down to control-understanding what we can and cannot influence in our careers.
Instead of fixating on outcomes we can't control, like promotions or sales, we should focus on the process-what we can control. When we put energy into the process rather than stressing about results, we paradoxically increase our chances of success. The process is a set of deliberate, consistent actions taken to make anything within your control exceptional. Even Warren Buffett emphasizes enjoying the process more than the proceeds. Treat your current job like your ideal job, and you'll find yourself living your dream sooner than you think.
Being process-oriented is the surest path to mastery. As swim coach Terry Laughlin explains, mastery is the mysterious process by which challenges become progressively easier through practice. When you devote yourself to the process, you inevitably improve, and doing well becomes its own reward. Masters have no timeline; their focus is on achieving true success, no matter how long it takes.
In 2010, as a vice president at Sony Pictures, Franklin oversaw production of The Karate Kid remake, which became hugely successful, grossing $359 million worldwide on a $40 million budget. He expected a promotion for his hard work, but instead was told there were too many senior executives already. He was devastated. His expectations had been both unrealistic and unspoken-they were "unset." For months, he was so depressed he could barely function. He'd tied his self-worth so closely to getting promoted that when it didn't happen, he felt worthless. This challenging moment became a blessing in disguise, forcing him to assess his life and discover his true purpose: "I am created to create." This revelation eventually led him to start his own company and regain his excitement about the future.
We've been conditioned to be results-oriented in every aspect of life. Marketing constantly sells us the promise of outcomes-be skinnier, hipper, cooler-but our addiction to results actually damages our ability to achieve them. Instead, we must become committed to our process. When Franklin worked on The Karate Kid, he wasn't just working for a promotion; he was working for love of the work itself. Though temporarily sidetracked by disappointment, the skills he mastered during that film prepared him to successfully run his own production company later.
Chapter 8
Setting Authentic Goals: Aligning with Your True Self
Just as pilots know that being off by one degree can put you miles off course over distance, your goals require precise alignment with your true expectations. When your trajectory is even slightly misaligned, you'll miss your target completely. Goals won't work if they're based on unset expectations-they become fake goals that look legitimate but aren't real.
Franklin once bought a knockoff Rolex in Santee Alley for under $100-it looked real from a distance but wouldn't withstand closer inspection. That's exactly how fake goals operate. When something is expected of you, you create goals to meet those expectations, but if these expectations are unrealistic, your goals become fake. He learned this painfully when promoting his book "The Truth About Men." He drove himself relentlessly through hundreds of interviews, determined to make it his biggest success and hit the New York Times bestseller list. He pushed himself to exhaustion, ignoring friends who warned he was working too hard. When the book sold well but didn't meet his lofty goals, he felt like a failure. He'd unconsciously slipped back into his "Mr. Perfect" mindset, equating self-worth with perfectly achieved results. Only after taking time to rest and pray did he realize his goals were fake because they were based on things outside his control. Real goals should motivate you, not drain you. If thinking about your goals doesn't make you feel good, they're likely fake.
Many fake goals come from expectations that family or friends place on you. When you unquestioningly accept someone else's expectation of who you're supposed to be, you're setting a destination far different from the one you were created for. It's like entering the wrong address in your GPS-you'll get somewhere, but not where you truly want to go. To course-correct, ask yourself honest questions about whose dream you're living and what you really want to do if there were no negative consequences.
Lauryn Hill exemplifies someone who created goals true only to herself. Despite massive success with her debut album that sold over 19 million copies, she hasn't released another studio album in more than two decades. In a 2018 Medium essay, she declared herself free from others' expectations: "I reject being pigeonholed or pinned down by someone else's uninformed concept of me... Life is to be lived, it's not a full-time performance you put on for others." You can't live passively, making only safe decisions approved by others. Your goals should be the sails powering you toward your own authentic next chapter, not someone else's vision for your life.
Chapter 9
Faith as the Ultimate Freedom Tool
Faith is compared to the supernatural ability in the movie "The Sixth Sense," where a young boy sees dead people that others can't perceive. Hebrews 11:1-2 from the Message Bible defines faith as "the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see." Franklin emphasizes that our power lies in what we cannot see, concluding simply: "FAITH WORKS."
The story of the crippled man at the Beautiful Gate illustrates how expectations shape our faith experience. Born unable to walk, the man never expected to walk, making a life of begging for coins. Franklin warns against lowering expectations because of past disappointments: "Don't lower your expectations of what can happen in your life because of what hasn't yet happened." Instead, we should "live like what you expect to happen will happen, even before it happens." The position of faith is a positive mindset that believes blessings are on the way, even when circumstances suggest otherwise.
Faith requires active participation, not just expectation. When things aren't working out, Franklin examines himself rather than blaming God: "What am I not doing? Where am I missing it?" He shares his personal journey of wanting his own TV show-despite appearances on major programs, his own show hasn't manifested yet. Rather than questioning God's will, he continues preparing himself, developing his skills, and seeking mentors. The key insight: "Expectation with no participation equals devastation." We must keep showing up at our own "temple gate," even on discouraging days.
Like the crippled man who asked for money without making eye contact, many people go through life on autopilot-physically present but mentally checked out. Franklin warns against letting faith become mere routine: going to church habitually or praying without truly communicating with God. This spiritual sleepwalking prevents us from recognizing opportunities. God sometimes allows problems to "break up our routine" because "He loves us too much to see us squander our existence." These disruptions aren't obstacles but wake-up calls to prevent us from missing our blessings.
When Peter and John told the beggar "Silver and gold I do not have," they were preparing him for something better than what he expected. Similarly, when our prayers seem unanswered, it might be God redirecting our attention. Franklin candidly admits having a "closet full of memories of praying for something that didn't happen" and sometimes questioning God. This leads to a crucial question we must all consider: "Have I been expecting the wrong things from God?" We often expect God to be like a genie, instantly granting our wishes, but God doesn't work that way.
Chapter 10
Reclaiming Hope in a World of Disappointment
Despite all the ways expectations stress us out and pressure us to meet impossible standards, we can't live entirely without them because we need hope. Like heart valves that must function properly to sustain life, hope is essential for our emotional and spiritual survival. Franklin explains that expectations serve as our "hope valve"-when properly set, they keep us motivated and optimistic. When hope is blocked, devastating problems develop. The key is learning to manage our expectations like blood pressure, neither eliminating them completely nor letting them run wild. Dr. Dale Archer's work with Hurricane Katrina survivors demonstrated that those who maintained hope showed greater resilience than those who became passive and pessimistic. Even in life's darkest moments, finding something to believe in is crucial for moving forward.
Nothing steals hope faster than disappointment. When expectations aren't properly set, the resulting letdowns can prevent us from moving forward. Franklin suggests identifying whether our disappointments require internal resolution (making peace with not getting a job) or external resolution (addressing issues with a friend). Most disappointments need internal resolution, which starts with honestly acknowledging our grief rather than powering through it. The more we heal today, the more our future self will thank us tomorrow. To begin healing, we must identify our most painful hurts, consider what forgiveness might require, and examine whether removing certain expectations gives us a healthier perspective.
Hope expands when we gain mastery over aspects of life within our control. Franklin equates hope with expectancy-optimism that something nice might happen without attachment to outcomes. Hope is as crucial as discipline and determination for happiness and success. To assess our hope, Franklin suggests asking: Is my hope full or low? What am I hoping for? What's bringing me hope right now? While hope helps weather life's difficulties, it becomes detrimental when obsessively tied to specific outcomes on rigid timelines. Drawing from Linzi Clark's essay on hospital volunteering, Franklin emphasizes that patients who set unrealistic recovery goals ended up discouraged. The better approach is staying present and accepting what is, while allowing dreams to unfold naturally without dictating when they must happen.
A simple way to cultivate hope is seeking information about whatever causes anxiety. Having more information either creates optimism or provides necessary reality checks. Franklin references "What to Expect When You're Expecting" as an example of how information helps people navigate major life transitions, despite its mixed reviews. Most anxiety stems from unknown outcomes to known problems. When worried about something like student loans, the unknown is "how will I pay them off?" The solution is gathering productive information about practical steps others have taken to manage similar challenges. Being informed gives greater confidence to continue despite challenges, creating a sense of control that fosters optimism.
Chapter 11
Living Free: The Ultimate Liberation
The profound shift that occurs when you properly set expectations creates the foundation for the life you've always believed possible. Franklin has taught this message to thousands, receiving an unprecedented response because expectation management is a universal struggle that transcends age, gender, and relationship status. This message resonates powerfully because it addresses a fundamental human challenge that affects everyone. After preaching about expectations at his family's church, it created a code word that transformed family communication-simply saying "EXPECTATIONS!" when someone was imposing unrealistic demands. This simple practice helped them communicate boundaries without hurting feelings, proving that setting expectations doesn't require heavy conversations but can become an automatic response that prevents resentment.
When your expectations are firmly based in reality, you become dramatically more productive. You stop wasting energy on unrealistic thinking or waiting for others to do things for you. You reclaim control of your life and eliminate the negative emotions that come from unspoken or unclear expectations. With properly set expectations, you can hold others accountable, implement effective processes, and focus your energy on achieving your actual goals rather than spinning your wheels on misaligned expectations.
Flexibility is crucial when setting expectations-if you don't bend, you'll break. Even after setting expectations, you must be willing to adjust them when new information arrives. During the pandemic, Franklin had to reset expectations for remote work timelines and film production schedules. This doesn't mean abandoning goals, but rather adjusting expectations about how and when you'll achieve them. Like a doctor who might need to reset a broken bone for proper healing, sometimes our expectations need readjustment to ultimately succeed. The process requires perpetual assessment, revision and resetting.
No matter how well you set expectations, life will still throw surprises your way. The COVID-19 pandemic demonstrated this perfectly-no one's New Year's resolutions in January 2020 anticipated what was coming. When coaching NBA players during the pandemic, Franklin found they struggled with their identities when unable to play. He reminded them: "Basketball may be what you do, but basketball is not who you are." Understanding who we are beyond what we do becomes our anchor during unexpected storms.
Even in the most challenging circumstances, we retain the power of choice in how we respond. Instead of playing the victim, we can be the hero of our story. Everything that happens TO us is actually happening FOR us-there's always a gift if we look for it. When Franklin lost his father at age nine, the devastation eventually revealed his life's purpose. The combination of church attendance and finding solace in television and movies during his grief showed him how entertainment and faith could help others navigate difficulties. This early loss motivated his career path and gave him a conviction about his calling that many people never find.
To reclaim your joy, take inventory of your life obligations and determine if they align with your authentic self or stem from unset expectations. Find quiet time alone to reflect on who you truly are beneath your job title. Write down your natural talents, passions, and priorities. Imagine what you'd do if time and money weren't factors. This blueprint reveals your true self and the changes needed to embody it. Practice appreciation daily-it's nearly impossible to be angry and appreciative simultaneously. When feeling down, spend sixty seconds listing things you're grateful for, from basic abilities like sight and hearing to life's blessings.
Living free isn't about having no expectations, but about living by your set expectations-those you've consciously chosen. Be gentle with yourself in this process. Don't be too hard on yourself or others as you learn and unfold as intended. Just because someone expects something of you doesn't make it wrong-the key is whether you've chosen to meet that expectation. Let go of pain, resentment and anger to become truly free. Like setting a GPS destination, your expectations set your life's course. Set your direction daily, weekly, monthly and yearly. The more purposefully and realistically you set your course, the more likely you'll not only reach your destination but exceed it. You'll live with fewer burdens, in your authentic power, with more joy.
