It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine Summary

It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine challenges cultural norms around grief, advocating for acceptance rather than "fixing" pain. It combines personal insights from Devine’s experience losing her partner with professional expertise as a psychotherapist, offering practical tools for navigating loss while dismantling harmful myths like staged grief models. The book emphasizes building a life alongside grief instead of seeking closure.

This book is for grieving individuals, caregivers, therapists, and anyone seeking to better support loved ones. It’s particularly valuable for those tired of overly optimistic self-help approaches, offering validation for complex emotions. Megan Devine’s work also aids HR professionals and healthcare providers in creating compassionate grief-informed environments.

Yes, it’s widely praised for reframing grief as a natural response to love, not a problem to solve. Featured on NPR and in The Washington Post, it provides actionable advice for stress management, sleep improvement, and navigating insensitive remarks. Readers describe it as transformative for both personal healing and supporting others.

Megan Devine is a psychotherapist, grief advocate, and founder of Refuge in Grief. Her work blends professional expertise with lived experience—she witnessed her partner’s drowning in 2009. She’s contributed to Harvard Business Review, PBS’s Speaking Grief, and hosts a podcast on grief literacy.

Key ideas include:

• Grief is love in its “most wild and painful form,” not a pathology.
• Cultural timelines for healing are harmful; grief requires space, not solutions.
• Practical strategies: mindfulness, stress reduction, and boundary-setting with unhelpful advice.

Devine rejects staged models (e.g., Kübler-Ross) and societal pressure to “move on.” She argues grief isn’t linear but a lifelong process of adaptation. The book critiques toxic positivity and emphasizes honoring pain instead of suppressing it.

The book provides tools like:

• Stress management: Grounding techniques for anxiety attacks.
• Sleep hygiene: Rituals to ease insomnia without forcing “normalcy”.
• Boundaries: Scripts to redirect unhelpful comments (e.g., “At least they’re in a better place”).

Devine advises avoiding advice or silver linings. Instead, “be an elephant”—offer presence, not fixes. Tips include asking direct questions (“Can I bring dinner Thursday?”) and validating emotions without judgment.

• “Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution”: Rejects “fixing” grief.
• “You don’t need to ‘heal’ to live well”: Encourages coexistence with loss.
• “Helpful people don’t shame your pain”: Guides supportive communication.

It debunks myths like “time heals all wounds” and “staying busy helps,” explaining how these invalidate genuine suffering. Devine highlights systemic issues, such as inadequate bereavement leave policies, that compound isolation.

Unlike prescriptive guides, It’s OK prioritizes emotional honesty over forced resilience. It merges memoir, therapy insights, and social critique, offering a roadmap for living with grief rather than “overcoming” it.

Some readers seeking structured coping mechanisms may find its anti-solution stance unsettling. However, Devine clarifies this isn’t a dismissal of therapy but a call to rethink societal expectations. Critics acknowledge its niche appeal but praise its cultural impact.