How to Be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo Summary

David Richo’s How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores mindful loving through the framework of the “five A’s”: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing. It emphasizes moving beyond romantic ideals to build conscious, spiritually grounded relationships. The book integrates psychological insights (Jungian theory, childhood patterns) with Buddhist principles, offering practical exercises for setting boundaries, overcoming fears, and navigating breakups.

This book suits individuals seeking to heal emotional wounds, improve communication, or break cycles of unhealthy relationships. It’s particularly relevant for those interested in blending psychological growth (e.g., shadow work, attachment styles) with mindfulness practices. Therapists and couples looking for actionable tools to foster trust and intimacy will also find it valuable.

Yes, with over 20 years of acclaim, this book remains a cornerstone for relationship guidance. The updated edition addresses modern challenges like online dating and digital communication while retaining timeless advice on emotional maturity. Readers praise its balance of depth and accessibility, making it a staple for personal and professional growth.

Unlike superficial advice, Richo combines Jungian psychology, Buddhist mindfulness, and poetic wisdom to address love as a spiritual journey. The focus on the “five A’s” provides a structured yet flexible framework, while exercises on boundaries and emotional expression offer tangible steps beyond theoretical concepts.

The five A’s form the core of Richo’s approach:

1. Attention: Being fully present with your partner.
2. Acceptance: Embracing their authentic self without judgment.
3. Appreciation: Expressing gratitude for their qualities.
4. Affection: Demonstrating care physically and emotionally.
5. Allowing: Giving space for individuality and growth.

Richo explains how unmet childhood needs (e.g., for safety, validation) shape adult relationship patterns, often leading to fears of abandonment or engulfment. By recognizing these wounds, readers can break cyclical behaviors and attract partners capable of “adult love” rooted in mutual respect.

The book advocates boundaries as essential for self-respect and intimacy. Richo provides tools to assert needs calmly, avoid codependency, and differentiate between compromise and self-betrayal. Examples include navigating conflicts without blame and preserving individuality in partnerships.

Richo identifies fear of abandonment and engulfment as key obstacles. Strategies include mindfulness practices to stay present, reframing fear as a teacher, and choosing partners who respect the five A’s. Exercises help readers build self-worth independent of relationship outcomes.

Notable quotes include:

• “Love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present”
• “We can’t receive acceptance until we give it to ourselves”
• “Anger is often a cry for the five A’s”

Some readers find Richo’s spiritual focus (e.g., viewing love as a “grace”) too abstract for purely practical seekers. Others note the need for supplementary resources when addressing severe trauma. However, most praise its holistic approach.

As a psychotherapist blending Jungian analysis, Buddhist practices, and poetry, Richo merges clinical expertise with philosophical depth. His 40+ years of counseling inform realistic examples, while workshops at institutions like Esalen and Spirit Rock underscore his experiential credibility.

1. Love requires mindful action, not passive feeling.
2. Childhood patterns must be acknowledged to avoid projection.
3. Healthy conflict involves expressing emotions without blame.
4. The five A’s create a foundation for mutual growth.
5. Ending relationships gracefully is part of emotional maturity.