Chapter 1
The Mirror's Invitation: A Journey into Self-Discovery
Imagine standing before a mirror, truly seeing yourself for the first time. Not the rushed glance while brushing your teeth, but a deep, curious examination of the person staring back. This is the essence of Dr. Corey Yeager's transformative approach in "How Am I Doing?" As the psychotherapist for the Detroit Pistons and a featured expert in Prince Harry and Oprah's mental health series, Yeager has become a trusted voice in emotional wellness. His book has garnered praise from athletes, celebrities, and everyday readers alike for its accessible approach to self-reflection. What makes this work particularly powerful is how it transforms therapy from something clinical into forty conversations that can happen anywhere-in your car, on a walk, or sitting in your favorite chair. Through these conversations, Yeager invites us to examine what's happening "backstage" in our minds and discover who we truly are.
Chapter 2
You Are the Star of Your Own Life
Who is the most important person in your life? If you named your spouse, child, or parent, you've overlooked someone crucial-yourself. This isn't selfish; it's essential. Before you can be a good partner, parent, friend, or colleague, you must first be good to yourself. Think of it like the airplane oxygen mask instruction - you must secure your own mask before helping others.
I recognize myself as the top dog in my world, which means sometimes I must be generous to myself. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I take a "Corey day" where I won't field any calls, check emails, or engage in social obligations. This preemptive move prevents me from becoming submerged and making poor decisions that affect everyone around me. These personal maintenance days might include activities like reading, taking a long walk, or simply sitting in silence with my thoughts.
Putting yourself first doesn't mean abandoning responsibilities or neglecting others. Being of service remains vital to my identity. But I'm aware of where I need to be mentally to serve others effectively. On empty-tank days, I need to fill up first. This might mean starting the day with meditation, exercise, or journaling before diving into work and family obligations. This isn't carte blanche to do whatever you want-there will be situations when someone else's needs genuinely come first, like caring for a sick child or supporting a friend in crisis. The difference is moving consciously rather than reflexively.
This perspective forms the foundation for every other question in this journey. Without recognizing your primary importance in your own life, you'll constantly seek external validation and direction. You'll become a supporting character rather than the protagonist of your story. Signs of this include constantly deferring to others' opinions, struggling to make decisions without consultation, or feeling guilty about taking time for self-care.
Consider how you might embrace your role as the star in your own life. When overwhelmed, can you pause and make a plan to protect yourself? Can you say no to plans or let calls go to voicemail without feeling guilty? Keep track of when you put yourself first and when you hesitate. Create a self-care inventory listing activities that rejuvenate you - perhaps it's exercise, creative pursuits, or quiet time alone. At week's end, reflect on any imbalances and where changes might be needed. Also consider the last time you felt completely out of balance-who were you seeking to please? Was it you or someone else? Document patterns in your behavior and identify triggers that lead you to neglect your own needs.
Remember that being the star of your life means taking responsibility for your happiness and well-being. It means making conscious choices about your time, energy, and commitments rather than letting circumstances or others' expectations dictate your path. Start small - perhaps with five minutes of daily meditation or declining one social obligation that doesn't serve you - and gradually build your capacity for healthy self-focus.
Chapter 3
Dreaming Without Limits
What are your wildest dreams? When I began studying psychology, I dreamed of connecting professional sports with therapy-two seemingly unrelated fields. Now I'm working in the NBA without having played basketball! My career demonstrates that wild dreams aren't necessarily out of reach. This journey taught me that unconventional paths often lead to the most fulfilling destinations, even when others doubt the possibility.
It's crucial to keep wild dreams outstretched before us. With the shape of our dreams clear, we can intentionally organize our daily tasks. I set macro goals (where I want to be in five years) and micro goals (what I need to do today). When these align, we stay on track toward our aspirations. For instance, my macro goal of working in sports psychology led me to take specific courses, seek mentorship from sports psychologists, and volunteer at local athletic programs - all micro steps that built toward the larger vision.
Wild dreams aren't impossible ones. I couldn't become the fastest runner on earth, but combining sports and psychology was achievable. It may not be obvious how to pursue your wild dream, especially when your desires seem contradictory. Keep following your passions-in simple daily pursuits and in riskier bigger moves-and see if that dream materializes. Consider Sara Blakely, who dreamed of creating comfortable women's underwear while selling fax machines - an unlikely combination that led to the billion-dollar Spanx empire.
Step into the playground of possibility. "Wildest" means no naysayers, no time constraints, daring to imagine what the future might hold. Later you can make it achievable with macro and micro goals. Why not dream wildly? This is a space you get to author! Think of Walt Disney, who was fired from a newspaper for "lacking imagination" but went on to create an entertainment empire built on dreams and imagination.
Try this exercise: Take out several index cards and write a wild dream on each one. Preposterous, never-in-a-million-years dreams. Remember who you were before age twelve when people told you to stop pretending. Look through your deck and post the dream that feels best somewhere visible. Then make it specific to you-infuse it with your values, humor, and passions. Perhaps your dream is opening a coffeehouse. Make it uniquely yours: maybe you'll source workers from low-income communities, fill it with pine scents that remind you of holidays with your grandmother, or decorate with photos of dogs in funny hats.
Consider other examples: A teacher might dream of creating a school where classes are held in tree houses, or an architect might envision buildings that change color with the seasons. The key is to let your imagination run wild first, then ground it in your personal story and values. Get specific about your dreams and make them reflect your passions, sadness, happiness, and lighthearted self. Remember that every great achievement started as someone's "wild" dream - from the Wright brothers' vision of human flight to Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream of racial equality.
The path to realizing wild dreams often involves unexpected turns and creative combinations of skills and interests. By keeping your dreams vivid and specific while remaining flexible about the path to achieve them, you create space for serendipity and innovation in your life's journey.
Chapter 4
Trusting Your Inner Authority
Who knows you best? My mother is my truth teller, her advice carrying me throughout life. But if I said she knows me best, I'd overlook someone important - myself. This relationship with our inner voice is perhaps the most crucial yet often overlooked connection we have.
When I ask clients this question, they mention partners, family members, friends, and colleagues. These people might know your pet peeves, dreams, favorite foods, and what makes you laugh. They might recognize your habits, predict your reactions, or finish your sentences. But do they know everything? Every secret thought, private hope, unspoken fear, or midnight contemplation? They couldn't possibly. Even in our closest relationships, there are parts of ourselves we keep hidden, sometimes even from our own awareness.
Only one person does-you. You are the only one who knows all the pieces of yourself: your unexpressed desires, your private doubts, your secret ambitions, and your deepest fears. This means when big questions arise, you probably already have the answers buried within. When seeking advice, don't you usually know the answer you want to hear? We often look to others for confirmation of what we already know, using their opinions as a mirror to reflect our own hidden certainty.
This raises another question: Do you trust yourself? If not, it's likely because you lack experience trusting your intuition. Society teaches us to trust experts, credentials, and external validation rather than ourselves. From early education through professional life, we're conditioned to seek answers outside ourselves. Instead of trusting your inner voice, you learn to trust others as your mirror, sometimes dismissing your own wisdom in favor of external guidance.
That's a habit worth changing. Trust builds over time-start by realizing you're the authority on yourself. Begin engaging with yourself more often, asking questions and listening to your answers before consulting others. Practice this through journaling, meditation, or quiet reflection. Build trust with small decisions first - what to eat, what to wear, how to spend your free time - then when major life decisions arise, you'll have developed that trust muscle.
Is there someone with more insight into who you are than you possess? What makes you think they have more clarity about your path? For an upcoming decision, record your thoughts and feelings before asking others. Make a detailed pros/cons list, noting your emotional reactions to each option. Do you know what you're hoping to hear? After looking inward, consult a trusted person for input, but remember their advice is supplementary to your own wisdom.
Notice when you find it easiest to tune into your own voice-in the shower? On walks? Before sleep or after waking? While cooking? During exercise? Become aware of when your insights are most accessible and create intentional space for those moments. Some find clarity in nature, others in solitude or through creative activities. Identify your personal channels of inner wisdom and make them regular practices in your life.
Chapter 5
Authoring Your Life Story
I was a big, strong kid destined to be a football player. I played from age five through college, where I focused on training rather than academics since I believed I was headed for the pros. I worked out with the Cowboys and Rams, signed with a semipro league, but then fumbled at the crucial moment-I didn't get picked in the NFL draft. For five years afterward, I drifted between jobs, feeling lost.
But all endings create opportunities for new beginnings. My football career's end launched a second act as a researcher, therapist, activist, NBA life coach, and now author. This transformation came from failure combined with curiosity-a dangerously fantastic combination.
We all have stories to write, but too often we allow others to write them for us. We follow plot outlines created by others-"You'll be a doctor," "You'll never settle down," "You're tall; you must play basketball." These messages often come from well-intentioned people holding onto their unlived dreams.
The first step is awareness. Being the author of your story doesn't mean rejecting guidance from others. Your "supreme court" of important people can stretch your thinking and help you dream bigger. But no matter their influence, they shouldn't write your story.
To write your own story requires self-reflection. You need to know who you are and where you're going. Ask yourself why you smile at certain things, why childhood memories make you feel alive, why the future might scare you. This "why" is the beginning of knowing yourself, and knowing yourself is the beginning of authoring your life.
Consider who might be holding the pen if it's not you. Reflect on how people typecast you when you were young and how those roles make you feel now. Draw circles representing your various identities (parent, gardener, adventurer, etc.) and evaluate whether they fit who you are and want to be. Consider what genre your life story follows-adventure, romance, thriller, epic, fairy tale?-and what character you're playing: the lead, the sidekick, or perhaps the villain.
Chapter 6
The Power of Self-Talk
In basketball, when a player makes a mistake-like dribbling the ball off his foot in a crucial moment-what matters most is what he says to himself afterward. Is it harsh self-criticism ("You're an idiot. You let everyone down") or something gentler ("I screwed up, but I'll make it up")? The action remains the same, but the self-talk creates worlds of difference.
Negative self-talk creates an echo chamber of criticism that blocks new opportunities. We'd never befriend someone who spoke to us the way we sometimes speak to ourselves. Since you're the most important person in your life, your inner voice has tremendous power. Every time you say something to yourself, you're directing all 40 trillion cells in your body to uphold that thought.
The myth of rugged individualism in America connects to our negative self-talk. We're taught that if we're not successful, it's because we didn't do what we were supposed to. As a Black man in America, I know I'll encounter many negative spaces-I refuse to add to that with my own negative talk. My task is to move with positivity. There are already plenty of people lined up to become hurdles in your life; you don't need to join them.
Take time to listen to your inner voice without directing it. Is it encouraging, discouraging, blaming, hopeful, pessimistic, or compassionate? Consider where this voice came from-did you hear similar voices growing up?
Track your self-talk over several days, noting when it's positive or negative. Look for patterns: Are you harder on yourself in certain situations? More forgiving in others? This awareness can help you change your internal dialogue.
As a fun exercise, imagine the most wildly upbeat coach possible whispering in your ear. What would they say? "You got this. You can't possibly fail. You've been training for this your entire life. You're the G.O.A.T. Go get 'em." Try adopting this voice when you need encouragement.
Chapter 7
Your Personal Supreme Court
When I was recruited by thirty-one Division I football programs, I had no guidance after my father's death. I chose Long Beach State because my sister lived there, but quickly felt out of place in its cultural mosaic-I was from rural Kansas where the world was literally Black and white. I called my mom feeling lost, and her response became foundational: "You chose it. No one forced you. It's time to step up and figure out how to make that choice the right one."
That moment birthed my concept of a personal "supreme court"-three to five people who provide wisdom and honest advice on major life decisions. These truth tellers don't need access to ultimate truth; they just need to tell the truth as they see it based on what they know about you. They don't have to agree with your worldview, but they must know you well.
Your supreme court isn't for venting or cheerleading-that's what friends are for. Different members might serve different purposes: a professional advisor for work decisions, a spiritual leader for faith crossroads. Assembling this court takes time; mine developed over many years. While trusting your gut remains crucial, having people who can reflect your worldview back to you is equally important. Before consulting your truth tellers, always ask yourself the hard questions first-only then will you be ready to hear what they have to say.
Identify your truth tellers-those you can count on to tell you things you may not want to hear. Notice your reaction when someone challenges you in conversation. Are you open or defensive? Do you feel the need to prove yourself?
Consider your role as a truth teller for others. How can you be a good supreme court member? Ask questions, try to understand others' values and worldviews. Curiosity deepens conversations and helps others move toward greater understanding.
Chapter 8
Discovering Your Sacred Spaces
The mirror is one of my sacred spaces-just me and the man staring back. Another is my chocolate-brown leather chair with its ottoman where I keep notes and pens. From there, I watch maple trees change through the seasons.
My family knows "that's dad's space." We've had many profound conversations around that chair, and though my children sometimes want to sit there, I draw a line. They understand this sanctuary is where I recharge and reconnect with my values. They respect that protecting this space is part of my self-care, which ultimately benefits the whole family.
Nearby hangs a picture of wolves traveling in snow, reminding me of my family moving together through a sometimes-hostile environment. The football field was another sacred space where I could channel aggression positively-a relief from constantly restraining myself as a large Black man who was taught to appear non-threatening.
Sacred spaces aren't always static or singular. They might be a train journey, a concert, a spiritual place, or a natural setting that connects you to something larger. Majestic landscapes remind us the world exceeds our daily concerns and change is possible. But even a neighborhood fountain or special tree can provide that sense of connection.
When you find these places where concerns dissolve and peace reigns, name and protect them. When a sacred place chooses you, keep it sacred.
Sketch your sacred space, focusing not on artistic quality but on capturing its essential features. What does this space allow you to see? What emotions do you associate with it? Can you visit physically, or is it imaginary?
Consider objects, photographs, or artwork that hold deep meaning for you-things that illuminate truths about your life. These items may be beautiful, odd, or even objectively ugly, but something that reminds you of who you are has infinitely more value than mere decoration.
As you incorporate centering practices into your daily routine, you may begin to associate certain spaces with clarity and connectedness. Choose a spot in your home where you can regularly pause, take centering breaths, reflect, and dive deep. This devotional practice will gradually infuse the space with sacredness.
Chapter 9
Embracing Vulnerability as Freedom
When I began my PhD, I wasn't a great writer, which was devastating at a research institute. My first instinct was to hide this weakness-I was the first in my family to attend college, now a doctoral candidate. I kept my head down, hoping my lively conversations would distract my advisor from my writing deficiencies.
My wife kept it real: "You're not going to be able to hide the inability to write in a PhD program." When I confessed to my advisor, he simply replied, "I know. I'm reading your stuff." Though embarrassing, this truth-telling was incredibly freeing.
I'd been expending tenfold energy trying to cover my "secret." Naming the struggle transferred it outside myself, creating an emotional release. Under my advisor's guidance, I improved through practice and continuous feedback, just as coaches had helped me in football.
Many resist vulnerability, but growth requires becoming aware of your insecurities and naming them. These weaknesses don't define you-they're just aspects of your character alongside many strengths. As Brene Brown notes, vulnerability intersects with courage; it takes strength to admit where you're not strong. Open yourself to vulnerability; tremendous power awaits on the other side.
What do you want to improve at? What skills are you embarrassed you don't possess? Journal whatever comes to mind. How long have you avoided this? Why? Is there a deeper fear beneath the surface?
By writing down your fears, you've moved them outside yourself where they can be tackled.
Remember that vulnerability and growth are group projects. Look for people who can support you through vulnerability-those who freely offer kindness, possess skills you want to develop, have a sense of humor, and have time to mentor you.
Consider everyone in your life, including acquaintances. Who might accompany you on this journey?
Also identify areas where you feel confident. Be alert for opportunities to help others through their vulnerabilities with kindness and honesty.
Chapter 10
Finding Deep Happiness Through Contrast
In my twenties, drinking Coors Light with friends and paying for everyone's drinks made me happy. Today, that wouldn't bring me joy at all. Now I find happiness spending time with my wife and sons, hanging out by the grill with the smoker going, hosting my sons' "uncles" for ribs and chicken with a Chiefs game playing in the background.
My work brings happiness too-reading about racial and ethnic relationships, discovering research on socialization patterns or self-talk that helps me better support others. And I've always loved stimulating conversations, especially those breakthrough moments in therapy sessions. But ten years ago, most of these wouldn't have made my list.
Happiness seems simple but can be surprisingly elusive. People seek it through ancient philosophy, positive psychology, or lifestyle trends. My players have achieved what society promises will bring happiness-success, fame, fortune, dream homes-yet many tell me their mansions, celebrity status, and ocean views didn't deliver. Somewhere, they knew these promises weren't true.
Rather than forcing a concrete definition, I find happiness is best revealed in contrast to sadness or disappointment. In my life, I understand deep happiness as it relates to pain. Losing my dad at fifteen taught me to connect with young men without fathers. I'm happy creating spaces for Black boys to share their struggles. This fulfillment stems directly from my fifteen-year-old self's internal chaos. Would I feel this happiness without the contrast of unbridled sadness?
Instead of seeking transitory things, look at spaces of pain or loss and see what happiness might bud from those roots. What you need even more than happiness is fulfillment-something that connects deeply to who you are and why you're on this earth.
Consider where you've felt pain and suffering. Are there branches of happiness that grew from those painful roots? How have you connected with others over shared pain? How has suffering developed deeper self-trust or revealed a passion that lets you give back?
Make a list of things that make you deeply happy-not just entertainment or anxiety escape, but things connecting to your core identity and life purpose. When you have this list, make a goal to maximize your presence with these people, relationships, and causes.
