Chapter 4
The Revolutionary Solution: Emotional Health Meets Contemplative Spirituality
Many Christians are stuck in their spiritual journey, some lost without knowing it. While churches teach important practices like attending worship, having quiet times, participating in small groups, giving financially, and serving, these alone aren't enough. After years of practice, deeply rooted behavioral patterns often remain entrenched.
What's needed is an antidote that turns spiritual lives right side up: emotional health and contemplative spirituality together. These two elements unleash a revolution, positioning believers so God can mold them into who they're meant to be.
Emotional health involves naming and managing feelings, maintaining meaningful relationships, breaking free from destructive patterns, understanding how our past impacts our present, expressing thoughts clearly, respecting others without changing them, resolving conflicts maturely, and grieving well. Contemplative spirituality focuses on surrendering to God's love, positioning ourselves to hear Him, practicing silence and solitude, finding our true essence in God, developing rhythms that make us aware of the sacred in all life, and living in committed community that loves Jesus above all.
Integrating emotional health with contemplative spirituality offers three transformative gifts:
First, the gift of slowing down. Almost everyone today is busy-overscheduled, tense, frantic, and starved for time. This activism has deep roots in evangelical history, as Charles Spurgeon urged: "Brethren, do something; do something; do something." Our greatest strength (mobilizing for action) has become our greatest weakness when we're too active for the reflection needed to sustain love for God and others. Slowing down helps us create a continual familiarity with God's presence at all times-whether working, playing, or praying.
Second, the gift of anchoring in God's love. Christianity isn't about our disciplined pursuit of God but God's relentless pursuit of us. Though we may intellectually believe in God's infinite love, experiencing it emotionally is another matter. Many Christians carry deeply negative beliefs from their past: "I am a mistake," "I am worthless," "I must be approved by others to feel okay." Emotional health uniquely positions us to glimpse "how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" and grounds us in our true identity.
Third, the gift of breaking free from illusions. The world is filled with illusions and pretense. We convince ourselves we cannot live without certain earthly pleasures, accomplishments, and relationships. Contemplative spirituality and emotional health ground us in reality, giving perspective on the limits of earthly pleasures. Emotional health breaks us free to live in truth-acknowledging our brokenness rather than covering it, choosing our unique God-given life rather than someone else's, and freeing us from the need for accomplishments or approval.
Chapter 5
Know Yourself That You May Know God
Awareness of yourself and your relationship with God are intricately connected. Throughout Christian history, spiritual giants have recognized this connection: Augustine prayed "Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee"; Meister Eckhart declared no one can know God without first knowing himself; St. Teresa of Avila believed almost all spiritual problems stem from lack of self-knowledge. Yet most people go to their graves without truly knowing who they are.
The journey to emotionally healthy spirituality begins with allowing yourself to feel. Scripture reveals God as an emotional being who feels-a Person. Created in his image, we too were designed with the capacity to feel and experience emotions. Scripture shows God delighting in creation, grieving over humanity, feeling jealousy, crying out in pain, expressing fierce anger, loving with everlasting love, being moved with compassion, experiencing sorrow and distress, and being full of joy.
Many people struggle to identify their feelings, describing them as "a big blur" or experiencing physical sensations they can't explain. We often have unconscious "rules" against difficult emotions like anger or sadness, feeling defective for experiencing them. When we neglect intense emotions, we're false to ourselves and close off a doorway to knowing God.
Jesus's wilderness temptations outline three false identities that threaten our true self. The first temptation-"I am what I do"-came when Satan challenged Jesus to turn stones to bread. Our culture similarly asks: What have you achieved? The second temptation-"I am what I have"-occurred when Satan showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world. Our culture measures success by ownership. The third temptation-"I am what others think"-invited Jesus to throw himself from the temple to impress others. True freedom comes when we no longer need to be somebody special in others' eyes because we know we are already loved.
Jesus disappointed nearly everyone by remaining faithful to his true self rather than conforming to others' expectations. He disappointed his family, who thought he was out of his mind; his hometown, which tried to push him off a cliff; his disciples, who expected a different kind of Messiah; the crowds, who wanted an earthly problem-solver; and religious leaders, whose theology he disrupted. Yet Jesus maintained a non-anxious presence amid great stress.
Differentiation, a concept developed by Murray Bowen in family systems theory, describes a person's capacity to define their own life goals and values apart from external pressures. It involves holding onto who you are while remaining connected to important people in your life-balancing separateness with togetherness. Highly differentiated people maintain their beliefs, convictions, and values regardless of others' approval or disapproval.
Chapter 6
Going Back in Order to Go Forward
Emotionally healthy spirituality embraces reality rather than denial. It requires going back to our past in order to move forward and live joyfully in the present. Breaking free from destructive patterns of our past is central to true spirituality and discipleship.
In biblical terms, "family" encompasses our entire extended family across three to four generations. Our families are the most powerful group we'll ever belong to, with patterns often repeating across generations. The Bible teaches that consequences of actions in one generation affect those who follow, which explains recurring patterns like divorce, addiction, and relationship instability.
We often underestimate the deep, unconscious imprint our families leave on us-an influence we typically recognize more fully as we age. Our family members "imprint" certain behaviors and thinking patterns that operate under a set of "commandments," most of which are unspoken. These patterns become so hardwired into our brains and DNA that, without God's intervention and biblical discipleship, we simply carry these expectations into our adult relationships.
When we become Christians, we're transferred into God's family, but almost everything we've learned about life comes from our original family. While learning spiritual disciplines like prayer and Scripture reading is relatively easy, rooting out deeply ingrained family messages and behaviors proves far more complex. Most people resist examining their family past, not wanting to betray their family or uncover painful memories.
The transformative message of Christianity is that your biological family doesn't determine your future-God does! When we place our faith in Christ, we're spiritually reborn into God's family. Using the image of Roman adoption, Paul emphasizes we enter a new, permanent relationship with God as Father. Our debts are canceled, we receive a new name and inheritance, and gain new brothers and sisters in Christ.
Joseph's story occupies one-fourth of Genesis, showing his journey to emotional and spiritual maturity despite family brokenness. As Jacob's favorite son in a complex blended family, Joseph's immaturity and dreams provoked such hatred that his brothers sold him into slavery. Despite losing everything and suffering unjustly for years, Joseph remained faithful to God and eventually became Egypt's second-in-command, blessing the very family that betrayed him.
Joseph repeatedly affirmed God's sovereign hand through all his pain: "It was not you who sent me here, but God." He understood that God mysteriously works through darkness to accomplish His purposes, never wasting any part of our past. Unlike many who resist facing past pain, Joseph wept loudly when reuniting with his family. He didn't minimize his suffering but processed it honestly, which enabled him to truly forgive and bless those who betrayed him.
Chapter 7
Journey Through the Wall: Embracing Spiritual Darkness
Emotionally healthy spirituality requires going through the pain of the Wall-what ancients called "the dark night of the soul." Whether brought there by our past or by circumstances beyond our control, every follower of Jesus will eventually confront the Wall. Understanding its nature is crucial to avoid long-term pain and confusion.
Throughout church history, spiritual writers have mapped the phases of our journey with God. Janet Hagberg and Robert Guelich's model includes six essential stages: Life-Changing Awareness of God, Discipleship, Active Life, the Wall and Journey Inward, Journey Outward, and Transformed into Love. Each stage builds upon previous ones, though unlike physical development, we can stagnate spiritually by refusing to trust God into unknown territory.
Without understanding the Wall, countless sincere followers stagnate rather than move forward with God's purpose. Some hide behind faith to flee pain rather than trust God's transformation through it. Emotionally healthy faith admits bewilderment, hurt, anger, sadness, and questioning. St. John of the Cross described this "dark night" as the ordinary way we grow in Christ. During this time, good feelings of God's presence evaporate, prayers seem unheard, and spiritual disciplines no longer "work."
This is God's way of rewiring and purging our affections to free us from unhealthy attachments and deepen our love relationship with Him. John identified seven deadly spiritual imperfections God purifies through this process: pride, avarice, luxury, wrath, spiritual gluttony, spiritual envy, and sloth. The dark night protects us from worshiping our feelings about God rather than God himself.
The dark night may last months, but more likely a year or two...or more. God determines the length and intensity based on His unique purpose for each of us-how much needs cleansing from our inner being and how much of Himself He wants to infuse for His greater purposes.
Four dynamics indicate progress through the Wall: a greater level of brokenness, a greater appreciation for holy unknowing (mystery), a deeper ability to wait for God, and a greater detachment from worldly things. Christians who have been through the Wall are broken, no longer judging others' spiritual journeys. Before the Wall, we exercise the right to determine good and evil rather than leaving this knowledge to God.
An outgrowth of greater brokenness and holy unknowing is increased capacity to wait upon the Lord. The Wall breaks something deep within us-that driving, grasping, fearful self-will that must produce, must make something happen, must get things done for God. Scripture repeatedly showcases waiting: Moses spent forty years in desert preparation; David fled Saul for a decade before becoming king; Jesus himself waited in obscurity as a carpenter's son before emerging from wilderness "in the power of the Spirit."
Chapter 8
Enlarge Your Soul Through Grief and Loss
Loss marks the place where self-knowledge and powerful transformation happen-if we have the courage to participate fully in the process. Our limits are behind all loss; we cannot do or be anything we want. While our culture interprets losses as alien invasions interrupting "normal" life, we all face many deaths within our lives. The choice is whether these deaths will crush our spirit or open us to new possibilities and depths of transformation in Christ.
Jonathan Edwards noted that Job's story is the story of us all. Job lost everything in one day-family, wealth, health-while most of us experience losses more slowly over a lifetime. We lose our youthfulness, dreams, routines, and stability. Many experience catastrophic losses: unexpected deaths, betrayals, divorce, illness, unemployment. We grieve our limits and what we can't do. Finally, we lose wrong ideas about God and church, realizing God is larger and more incomprehensible than we thought.
In contemporary culture, addiction has become the most common pain response-television, busyness, overwork, pornography, overeating, substances-anything to avoid feeling. Many demand that someone or something take away their loneliness. The result of denying wounds over years is becoming less human, empty Christian shells with painted smiley faces. Christian culture often adds to this avoidance, making people feel guilty for not "rejoicing always" despite their pain.
Job models five phases of biblical grieving central to following Jesus. First, pay attention. In church we have little theology for anger, sadness, waiting, and depression. While we often respond with spiritual platitudes, Job screamed out his pain, holding nothing back. He cursed his birth, shouted at God, and prayed wild prayers for thirty-five chapters.
Second, wait in the confusing in-between. Job waited when people closest to him quit. His three religious friends-Eliphaz, Zophar, and Bildad-represented "classic religion" or "legalism," arguing that Job's suffering must be due to sin. They had no room for mystery or the "confusing in-between."
Third, embrace the gift of limits. Perhaps the greatest loss we must grieve is our limits. We must embrace limitations in our physical bodies, families of origin, marital status, intellectual capacity, talents, material wealth, personality, and time. These limits drive us to humility before God and others like little else.
Fourth, climb the ladder of humility. Job emerged from his suffering transformed, referred to by God as "my servant" four times, suggesting a new level of intimacy. Rather than seeking revenge on his insensitive friends, Job prayed for and blessed them.
Fifth, let the old birth the new. Good grieving means not just letting go but letting our losses bless us. When we pay attention, wait in the confusing in-between, embrace our limits, climb the ladder of humility, and let the old birth the new in God's time, we will be blessed like Job.
Chapter 9
The Rhythms That Sustain: Daily Office and Sabbath
We live in a blizzard of busyness, with many of us losing our spiritual way. Like farmers who tie ropes from their houses to barns during blizzards to avoid getting lost, we need spiritual anchors. The Daily Office and Sabbath serve as these ropes, leading us back to God amid life's storms.
The Daily Office differs fundamentally from modern "quiet time" or "devotions." While contemporary practices often focus on "getting filled up" or interceding for needs, the Office (from Latin "opus" meaning "work") centers on being with Someone rather than getting something. This ancient practice involves stopping work multiple times daily to be with God, centering our attention on Him through silence and Scripture.
Sabbath, from the Hebrew word meaning "to cease, to stop working," involves doing nothing work-related for a twenty-four hour period weekly. God designated this time as "holy"-separate and elevated above ordinary days. Sabbath provides a rhythm for reorienting our entire lives around the living God. By stopping our work and resting, we imitate God Himself.
Biblical Sabbath involves four foundational qualities. First, stop-regardless of what remains unfinished. This practice confronts our tendency to believe we're indispensable and teaches us to trust that God manages His world perfectly well without our constant intervention. Second, rest-engage in whatever delights and replenishes us, activities distinct from our vocational work. Third, delight-slow down and savor creation's gifts, truly tasting our food, noticing natural beauty, and using all our senses. Fourth, contemplate God-make pondering God's love the central focus through communal worship, Scripture reading, and silence.
Chapter 10
Growing into Emotional Adulthood
Jesus knew inspiration alone wasn't enough to transform people, which is why he lived with his disciples for three years, modeling his teachings practically. Similarly, telling people to love better isn't sufficient-they need practical skills incorporated into their spiritual formation to grow from emotional infancy into adulthood.
People may be chronologically adult but remain emotionally immature. Emotional infants look for others to care for them, struggle to enter others' worlds, seek instant gratification, and use others as objects. Emotional children are content only when getting their way, unravel under stress, take disagreements personally, and manipulate when disappointed. Emotional adolescents are defensive, threatened by criticism, keep score in relationships, handle conflict poorly, and struggle to listen to others' pain.
By contrast, emotional adults clearly communicate their needs, take responsibility for their feelings, respect others without needing to change them, give people room for mistakes, appreciate people as they are, accurately assess their own limits and strengths, connect with others' feelings without losing themselves, and resolve conflicts maturely.
We naturally experience life with ourselves at the center of our universe, wanting others to conform to our perspectives. This narcissism-being "caved in on oneself" as Augustine defined sin-creates a fundamental spiritual challenge. We want those close to us to think, feel, and act like we do, preferring the illusion of sameness rather than accepting our differences.
Martin Buber described how we often treat people as objects-as "Its" rather than "Thous." In I-It relationships, we use others as means to ends, failing to respect their dignity and worth as image-bearers of God. When we treat others as "Thou"-as separate beings made in God's image-we glimpse the "eternal Thou." The space between us becomes sacred, manifesting God's presence when genuine love is released.
True emotional maturity involves our capacity to resolve conflicts while considering others' perspectives. Most Christians struggle with conflict resolution due to wrong beliefs about peacemaking and lack of training. Jesus calls us not to be pacifiers who maintain false peace, but true peacemakers who sometimes must disrupt false peace for truth's sake.
Chapter 11
Developing a Rule of Life: The Trellis for Spiritual Growth
A "Rule of Life" is not a restrictive set of regulations but rather like a trellis that enables a grapevine to grow upward and become more fruitful. It's an intentional, conscious plan to keep God at the center of everything we do, providing structure and direction to remember God in all aspects of life.
Daniel, a teenager carried off to Babylon, faced the empire's systematic attempt to eliminate his distinctiveness as a God follower. Despite heavy job responsibilities and minimal support, Daniel thrived spiritually because he had a plan-a Rule of Life. He oriented his entire life around loving God, renouncing certain activities like eating the king's contaminated food and engaging in others like the Daily Office.
Though we share the common goal of union with God and transformation into Christ's image, our paths will vary based on personality, gifts, temperament, location, and calling. A Rule of Life should be uniquely tailored and will evolve through different seasons. When developing your Rule, consider twelve key elements organized under four categories: Prayer (Scripture, Silence and Solitude, Daily Office, Study), Rest (Sabbath, Simplicity, Play), Work/Activity (Service, Physical Care), and Relationships (Emotional Health, Family, Community).
God has a different path for each of us. It's tragic to live someone else's life, as Scazzero did for years. Carlo Caretto tells of finding his friend Paul, formerly an engineer working on France's atomic bomb, laboring to repair a road in the Sahara. When Paul's mother questioned why her son wasn't using his intellect for the church, Carlo reflected on his own calling among the poor. "Live love, let love invade you," he wrote. "It will never fail to teach you what you must do." May God give you courage to faithfully live your unique life in Christ, letting love guide you.
