Chapter 4
The Art of Waiting: Teaching Patience as a Life Skill
French parents don't explicitly teach patience-they create daily opportunities for children to practice waiting. This begins in infancy with The Pause - waiting a few minutes before responding to a crying baby - and extends throughout childhood in countless small ways, forming a comprehensive approach to developing patience as a core life skill.
When baking with children, French parents insist the cake can only be eaten during the afternoon gouter (snack time), not immediately after preparation. This rule applies even during birthday celebrations or special occasions. Children receive candy and treats but must save them for designated times, learning to anticipate pleasure rather than demanding immediate gratification. Meals are served in courses - typically starting with vegetables, followed by a main dish, then cheese, and finally dessert - requiring children to wait between them and practice self-control. Unlike American parents who often carry snacks everywhere and respond immediately to "I'm hungry," French parents establish firm boundaries around eating times, typically limiting food to three meals and one afternoon snack.
This approach helps children develop internal resources to cope with frustration and builds emotional resilience. As Druckerman observes, "It's not that French parents have some innate calm. They've just figured out that rushing in to soothe a child at the first sign of frustration actually makes the child less able to soothe himself." This principle extends beyond food to toys, activities, and attention, creating a comprehensive framework for developing patience.
The French concept of cadre (framework) is central to this philosophy. Children have clear boundaries-firm rules about mealtimes, bedtimes, and behavior-but considerable freedom within those boundaries. For example, children must stay in their rooms at bedtime but can choose their activities there. They must sit at the table during meals but can engage in conversation and participate fully in family discussions. This balance of structure and autonomy helps children develop self-regulation skills while feeling secure in their environment.
French parents also value teaching children to play independently, viewing it as crucial for developing patience and creativity. While American parents often feel guilty if not actively engaging with their children, French parents believe children need to develop the capacity to entertain themselves, starting with short periods and gradually extending the duration. They might set up an activity corner in the home where children can play independently while parents prepare meals or handle other tasks. As one French nanny observed about American children she worked with: "In families where there is more structure, everything goes much more smoothly. Without structure, the child is less happy. He's a little bit lost."
Research confirms the wisdom of this approach. Walter Mischel's famous "marshmallow experiments" demonstrated that children who could delay gratification at age four had better outcomes later in life, including higher SAT scores, better social skills, and lower rates of obesity. By creating regular opportunities for children to practice waiting-whether for food, attention, or toys-French parents are building this crucial life skill that contributes to long-term success and emotional well-being. This systematic approach to teaching patience through daily routines and clear expectations helps children develop the internal resources they need to navigate life's inevitable delays and disappointments.
Chapter 5
Tiny Humans: Treating Babies as Rational Beings
When Druckerman's daughter Bean began pulling books from shelves at ten months old, a French friend immediately knelt beside her, explaining firmly "We don't do that" and showing her how to replace them gently. Druckerman was shocked when Bean obeyed, revealing her own assumption that her daughter was "a very cute, very wild creature" with little self-control.
This interaction highlights a fundamental difference in how French and American parents view babies. Americans often treat infants as adorable but essentially irrational creatures who can't understand language or control their impulses until much later. French parents, influenced by psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto, believe babies are rational beings from birth who understand language and can learn self-control when taught gently.
Recent scientific research supports this French perspective. Experiments show that babies can do rudimentary math, understand others' mental states, grasp probabilities, and even demonstrate moral preferences by reaching for "helper" characters over "hinderers" in puppet shows.
This belief shapes how French parents communicate with babies. They speak to them in normal voices rather than baby talk, give them house tours when bringing them home from the hospital, explain when they're leaving and when they'll return, and discuss family events like divorces or deaths in age-appropriate language.
"The French believe that even tiny babies understand more than we think," Druckerman writes. "They're careful about what they say around their children, not because they're afraid of traumatizing them, but because they assume that even infants are absorbing language and making sense of the world."
This approach extends to discipline. French parents don't wait until children are older to establish boundaries-they begin teaching self-control from infancy. They use firm, consistent language and explain rules clearly, treating even young babies as capable of understanding. This early foundation of respect and clear communication helps children develop self-regulation skills that American parents often struggle to instill in older children.
Chapter 6
The Education of Taste: Creating Children Who Eat Everything
Perhaps nothing astonishes American parents more than seeing French children happily eating vegetables, fish, and complex flavors without complaint. This isn't genetic but the result of deliberate "taste education" that begins in infancy.
Unlike American babies who typically start solid foods with bland rice cereal, French babies begin with flavor-packed pureed vegetables like spinach, carrots, and zucchini around six months. They quickly progress to fruits, small amounts of meat, and various fish. The goal is launching children into lifelong relationships with these flavors.
The cornerstone of French feeding philosophy is that children must take at least one bite of every dish. This rule is presented as a natural law, not negotiable. Parents remain calm and playful about tasting, introducing just one new food per meal alongside familiar favorites. They acknowledge when a child takes the required bite but react neutrally to complaints, never offering replacement foods.
"You just have to taste it" becomes the mantra at French dinner tables. As food writer Jeffrey Steingarten discovered when he systematically ate his most hated foods for six months, "no smells or tastes are innately repulsive, and what's learned can be forgot." French parents understand that persistent exposure eventually leads to appreciation.
This philosophy plays out in everyday family meals. Everyone eats the same dinner with no substitutions or special requests. Meals are served in courses, starting with vegetables when children are hungriest. Parents involve children in meal preparation, discuss food flavors together, and keep meals brief-typically thirty minutes for young children.
By age five, sitting calmly at the table for meals becomes automatic for French children. When Bean hosts her fifth birthday party, the children spontaneously file into the dining room and sit properly when cake is announced.
The French approach to sweets also differs markedly from American anxiety around sugar. Rather than attempting to eliminate sweets entirely, French parents incorporate them within boundaries. Children enjoy candy at parties and special occasions without gorging, having learned moderation. Chocolate has a regular place in French children's diets-a small piece at breakfast or as part of the afternoon gouter.
This structured approach to food creates children who eat a varied diet without battles or anxiety. The no-snacking rule (except for the afternoon gouter) ensures children arrive at meals hungry, while the one-bite rule gradually expands their palates. Most importantly, meals remain pleasant family gatherings rather than battlegrounds.
Chapter 7
Finding Balance: The Secret to French Maternal Happiness
Despite French women spending 89 percent more time than men on household work (compared to 31 percent in America), they seem far less angry at their husbands than their American counterparts. While American women regularly pull each other aside at dinner parties to vent about their partners' incompetence with household tasks, French mothers don't engage in this kind of complaining.
This paradox reveals another key aspect of French parenting philosophy: l'equilibre (balance). French mothers strive for balance among their roles as women, workers, and mothers, refusing to let any single aspect of identity-even motherhood-eclipse the others.
Unlike American mothers who often feel guilty about time away from children (what sociologists call "contaminated time"), French moms push guilt away to fully enjoy their free time. They remind each other that "the perfect mother doesn't exist" and take pride in being able to detach and relax, giving children complete attention when present but being fully "off" when not.
French mothers deliberately let their children see they have interests beyond motherhood, believing it's burdensome for a child to feel they're their mother's sole source of happiness. They maintain adult identities, relationships, and appearance, viewing these not as selfish indulgences but as essential to family well-being.
This philosophy extends to marriage. French couples prioritize their relationship, firmly enforcing children's bedtimes to ensure adult evening time. They don't have formal "date nights"-they simply go out when possible, as previous generations did, believing a solid marriage is essential to family happiness.
Structural factors help French women remain calmer-they take about twenty-one more vacation days annually than Americans, and France offers paid maternity leave, subsidized childcare, free universal preschool, and various family tax benefits. But the primary difference is philosophical-French mothers don't expect to sacrifice their entire identity to parenthood.
During a weekend visit to French friends Helene and William's country home, Druckerman notices how they dedicate themselves to parenting all day but create clear adult time once children are in bed-bringing out wine and cigarettes to profiter (take advantage) of the company and warm summer night. When William returns with fresh bread one morning, Helene says simply, "J'adore cette baguette!" (I adore this baguette!)-a sweet, genuine appreciation that Druckerman realizes is missing from her own marriage.
This balance creates happier mothers who can be fully present with their children without resentment. As one French mother explains, "When I'm with my daughter, I'm really with her. I'm not thinking about my work or checking my phone. But when I'm not with her, I don't feel guilty. I'm doing what I need to do."
Chapter 8
The Authority Framework: "It's Me Who Decides"
A battle cry of French parenting is "C'est moi qui decide" (It's me who decides), a phrase parents use to establish who's in charge. French parents don't aim to create obedient robots, but they agree with Rousseau that constant negotiations harm children. They believe kids thrive within clear boundaries and find comfort in knowing adults are steering the ship.
The French excel at saying non without fearing it will crush a child's spirit. They use it sparingly-focusing on a few key rules rather than constant prohibitions-which makes each no more effective. The secret lies in unambivalent delivery: looking directly at the child, explaining calmly but confidently.
French parents also say yes as often as possible, making it their default answer within appropriate boundaries. They always explain why when saying no-not to negotiate but to create a coherent, predictable world and show respect for the child's intelligence.
French psychologists acknowledge that children's desires are endless, and parents must sometimes break this chain by saying no. The resulting anger-even temporary hatred-isn't a sign of bad parenting but of doing your job. Without parental boundaries, children must regulate themselves, which creates anxiety.
When conflicts arise, French parents "dedramatize" by responding calmly or using humor. They view parenting as giving a child an education-an ongoing process starting young, not occasional discipline. Like teaching math, manners develop gradually.
For minor infractions (betises), French parents give "the big eyes"-an owl-like disapproving look that serves as warning. For serious issues, they punish rarely but meaningfully, administering consequences immediately and matter-of-factly, without anger.
After conflicts, French parents reestablish connection, teaching that "after the storm comes calm." This approach creates children who understand boundaries while maintaining strong attachments to their parents.
When Druckerman adopts "C'est moi qui decide" with her own children, she notices her parenting becoming more effective. This mental shift moves "the center of gravity away from the kids" and allows her own needs to expand, making parenting three young children more manageable.
Chapter 9
Fostering Independence: "Let Him Live His Life"
The French approach to children's autonomy extends to how they handle risk and self-defense. When a child is bullied, French parents like Marc encourage analytical thinking rather than immediate intervention: "You have to calculate the risks. If the advantage is to do nothing, he should do nothing."
This philosophy clashes with the American instinct for childproofing everything. When renovating her apartment, Druckerman insists on rubber flooring and childproof appliances, while her French contractor Regis believes children should learn about dangers naturally-by touching a hot oven once and learning from experience.
French parents give children meaningful responsibilities from an early age. Three- and four-year-olds help load dishwashers, and six-year-olds take out garbage or make small purchases alone. These regular acts of autonomy help children become self-reliant and understand that adults aren't just there to serve them.
They also encourage children to spend time away from them. Five-year-olds go on multiday class trips with just teachers, and during holidays often spend weeks with grandparents. This separation, starting with overnight stays and building to longer periods, helps children develop independence and confidence while giving parents needed breaks.
While French parents want children to feel "bien dans leur peau" (comfortable in their own skin), they believe confidence comes from competence rather than praise. They value articulate speech and interesting ideas over participation itself. Even excellent performance receives understated responses-Bean's teacher merely calls her "tres competente" (competent), focusing on identifying problems rather than boosting morale.
The French believe everyone deserves a "jardin secret"-a private realm that's part of being independent. Even involved parents accept that children need privacy and will have some secrets, especially as they grow older. They don't expect to know every detail of their children's lives, just that everything is generally okay.
Through her daughter's growing independence-like preparing breakfast when Druckerman is sick-she recognizes that autonomy brings genuine satisfaction. Following psychologist Francoise Dolto's philosophy, she sees that children are "separate and capable, with their own tastes, pleasures, and experiences," not "repositories for their parents' ambitions."
Chapter 10
The Wisdom of Equilibrium: Finding Your Own Path
As Druckerman settles into Parisian life, her children become bilingual and she becomes a "bona fide Francophone." What has truly connected her to France is discovering French parenting wisdom-learning that children are capable of remarkable self-reliance and mindfulness that she might never have imagined as an American parent.
While some French principles work better on French soil (like the absence of snacking when no other children are snacking), she believes most aspects of French parenting are as accessible in Cleveland as in Cannes, requiring mainly a shift in how parents conceive their relationship with their children.
The core French principles she embraces include:
• Treating babies as rational beings who understand language from birth
• Creating a cadre of firm boundaries with freedom within them
• Teaching patience through daily opportunities to practice waiting
• Educating children's palates through repeated exposure to diverse foods
• Maintaining adult identity and relationships alongside parenthood
• Establishing clear authority with "It's me who decides"
• Fostering independence appropriate to the child's development
• Finding l'equilibre (balance) in all aspects of family life
These principles create a virtuous cycle: children who sleep well, eat well, and behave well make parenting more enjoyable, which creates happier parents who can be more present and consistent with their children.
On a recent vacation, Druckerman and her husband successfully enjoyed a restaurant meal with all three children-something that once seemed impossible-demonstrating how far they've come in implementing French parenting techniques.
The French approach offers a counterbalance to intensive parenting: babies are rational beings; parenting requires a balance of strictness and freedom; children should be listened to but not always obeyed; and calm parenting is most effective. French parenting emphasizes "soft skills" like socializing and empathy in early years rather than rushing cognitive development, values downtime as much as stimulation, and teaches children to cope with frustration.
As Druckerman concludes, the goal isn't to become French but to incorporate useful French principles into an "American home brew" of parenting-one that creates both well-behaved children and parents who can still enjoy their adult lives. After all, as the French say, "the perfect mother doesn't exist"-but perhaps the balanced family does.
