Chapter 1
The Savage Truth: Challenging Conventions and Celebrating Authenticity
When Dan Savage's book "American Savage" hit shelves in 2013, it didn't just become another entry in the culture wars-it became required reading for a generation grappling with sexuality, relationships, and religion in modern America. As Lady Gaga's personal library reveal showed, even pop culture icons turned to Savage's blend of humor and unflinching honesty for guidance. The book's cultural footprint extends far beyond its pages, with its concepts like "monogamish" relationships and "the price of admission" becoming part of our collective vocabulary. What makes this collection of essays so compelling isn't just Savage's provocative takes on hot-button issues, but his deeply personal stories that reveal how one man's journey from Catholic altar boy to America's most outspoken sex columnist mirrors our society's evolving attitudes about love, sex, and family.
Chapter 2
Faith, Loss, and Finding Your Own Truth
Growing up as the son of a Catholic deacon, Dan Savage's relationship with religion was complicated from the start. Even at age seven-the Catholic "age of reason"-he struggled with the concept of eternal damnation. How could a loving God condemn people to hell forever? The final breaking point came during his time at a Catholic high school for potential priests when he realized he was gay. As he puts it, it was "like realizing you're an alcoholic on your first day working at the Budweiser bottling plant."
Rather than fearing damnation, Savage instinctively felt the Church must be wrong about homosexuality, which led him to question everything else-virgin births, transubstantiation, even God's existence. He left the Church, returning only for family events. Yet when his mother died, his Catholic upbringing resurfaced like a dormant virus reactivating. He found himself drawn to St. James Cathedral in Seattle, sitting in pews and staring at a marble Virgin Mary, trying to keep his mother's memory alive.
His mother had been what he calls a "good American Catholic"-believing in core doctrines while rejecting Church positions on women priests, birth control, and homosexuality. When Savage came out, she quickly became his fierce advocate, joining PFLAG and telling extended family that anyone with a problem with her son had a bigger problem with her. A gay priest named Father Tom helped her understand, telling her "it was better for me to live this way than to live the life he had lived."
Though drawn to the Church after his mother's death, Savage couldn't return. The Church doesn't want gay people as they are. While straight Catholics can privately reject Church teachings on birth control or divorce without detection, gay Catholics' "sin" is visible. The Church's insistence that sex must be open to the "gift of life" contradicts what biology tells us about human sexuality. As Christopher Ryan explains, "For Homo sapiens, sex is primarily about establishing and maintaining relationships... Reproduction is a by-product."
Chapter 3
Redefining Monogamy for Modern Relationships
Is it ever okay to cheat? The standard advice says never, but after twenty years writing Savage Love, Dan has seen countless cases where infidelity was justified. We only hear about affairs that destroy marriages, never those that save them. CNN even suggests divorce before "ethical non-monogamy" when advising how to save a mediocre marriage-as if ending a marriage is more ethical than discreetly meeting needs elsewhere. This reflects our society's rigid views on monogamy, even when maintaining strict sexual exclusivity might harm otherwise healthy relationships.
There are clear cases when cheating is wrong: when your partner meets your sexual needs; when your spouse has a temporary illness; when your wife just had a baby; or when you're simply bored. It's also never okay to cheat unsafely or to make monogamous commitments you know you can't keep. The emotional damage from betrayal in these situations can be devastating and long-lasting, especially when the relationship is otherwise fulfilling.
But monogamy itself is a struggle for many. Studies show 40-50% of women and 50-60% of men in long-term relationships have affairs. Anthropologists note only 1 in 6 societies enforces monogamy, and even among "faithful" animal species, most dally. We're not monogamous-we're "monogamish." This term acknowledges that strict sexual exclusivity may not be natural or sustainable for many people over decades of partnership.
If you've been with someone for decades and they only cheat once or twice, they're actually good at monogamy, not bad. Savage believes we should value marital stability over perfect sexual fidelity. Historically, monogamy wasn't even expected from men until the mid-twentieth century. Before then, discrete affairs were often tolerated as long as they didn't threaten family stability or social standing. Many cultures still maintain more flexible attitudes toward sexual exclusivity while prioritizing family bonds.
The pressure to perfectly execute monogamy over half a century makes every relationship "a disaster waiting to happen." We readily accept loving multiple children or friends without dilution, but insist romantic love can only happen once at a time. This contradiction ignores human emotional complexity and capacity for maintaining multiple meaningful connections. Marriage is about more than sexual exclusivity - it's about partnership, family, emotional support, and building a life together.
As one reader wrote: "Sex is considered so important in marriage until one partner can't be sexual anymore and then the other is expected to just give sex up too. It's not that easy." This highlights the challenge many couples face when medical issues, aging, or mismatched libidos create sexual incompatibility. In such cases, strictly enforced monogamy can create resentment and strain otherwise loving relationships. Some couples find that carefully negotiated arrangements to meet sexual needs outside the marriage actually strengthen their primary bond by removing sexual pressure while maintaining emotional commitment.
Chapter 4
The Failure of American Sex Education
Imagine a driver's education course that only covered internal combustion but not steering, brakes, or traffic signs-while constantly warning that the only safe driver is one who doesn't drive. Then on your sixteenth birthday, you're suddenly given keys to a car. The inevitable accidents would be used as proof that abstinence from driving was the right approach all along.
This is precisely how sex education works in America. While "abstinence-only" programs get the bad press, even so-called "comprehensive" sex education often isn't much better. In Fresno County, California, parents sued their school district for failing to provide actual comprehensive sex education, alleging their daughter was taught misinformation like HIV transmission through kissing while receiving no information about contraception or disease prevention.
Even students in better "comprehensive" programs typically get little more than reproductive biology-they learn where babies come from and how to prevent them, but little about the actual practice of sex itself. Studies consistently show that teenagers with abstinence-only education are far more likely to experience unplanned pregnancies and STIs. States with abstinence-only education like Mississippi have teen pregnancy rates nearly four times higher than comprehensive sex-ed states like New Hampshire.
Despite overwhelming evidence that abstinence-only education fails, many states continue funding these programs. Tennessee even passed a law banning teachers from condoning "gateway sexual activities" like hugging or hand-holding. Yet even comprehensive programs fall short, focusing primarily on "disaster prevention" rather than addressing what teenagers actually want to know: how to navigate desire, pleasure, and relationships.
When researchers at York University interviewed teenagers about their sex education, many didn't even know "sex was supposed to feel good." Sex educator Al Vernacchio takes a different approach, allowing students to drive the conversation with their questions-which inevitably circle back to pleasure, the very thing most sex education programs avoid discussing.
After twenty years writing a sex advice column, Savage knows what teenagers really want to know: how to find partners, what to expect, how to improve, how to handle unusual desires, and how to give and receive pleasure. They need somewhere to take these questions besides pornography, misinformed peers, or random Google searches.
Chapter 5
The GGG Approach to Healthy Relationships
Maggie Gallagher, former president of the anti-gay National Organization for Marriage, doesn't think straight people should take advice from Dan Savage. But if she truly cared about strengthening marriage, she'd embrace his GGG concept-"good, giving, and game"-which encourages partners to be honest about their sexual needs and make good-faith efforts to meet each other's desires within reason. Being "good" means developing fundamental sexual competence, "giving" refers to caring about your partner's pleasure, and "game" means being willing to try new things within reasonable boundaries.
Gallagher claims Savage "doesn't know what women are like" and that he brings "gay sexual ethics" to straight audiences with "potentially disastrous results." This is nonsense. He knows plenty about women through relationships with his mother, sister, friends, and colleagues. His advice columns frequently feature letters from women, and his responses demonstrate deep understanding of female sexuality and relationship dynamics. Meanwhile, celibate male religious leaders like the Pope dispense sexual advice to straight couples without criticism from Gallagher, highlighting a clear double standard in who society deems qualified to give relationship advice.
Savage's advice isn't just about fulfilling desires-he also emphasizes the "price of admission" concept, where partners sometimes must sacrifice certain sexual interests for the sake of their relationship. This might mean accepting a partner's lower sex drive, giving up specific fantasies, or finding compromise on frequency and type of intimate activities. But he rejects our sex-negative culture where the less sexual partner is automatically seen as more virtuous. Sexual compatibility and satisfaction are crucial to successful relationships, as studies show that sexually satisfied partners are less likely to end relationships or cheat. Research indicates that couples who maintain sexual satisfaction report higher overall relationship satisfaction and lower divorce rates.
Being GGG doesn't mean "anything goes"-it means honest communication about desires, reasonable accommodations when possible, and understanding when certain needs can't be met. If you're kinky, you must disclose your kinks early in relationships-ideally by three months and no later than six. Present your kinks positively, like a present rather than a tragedy. This approach allows partners to make informed decisions about compatibility early on. If you're vanilla, don't immediately dump a partner who discloses kinks; take time to consider if it's something you might try. Many people discover new interests when approached with openness and patience.
Science actually supports the GGG approach. Researchers at the University of Arizona and Hanover College found that "sexual transformations"-changes people make to accommodate their partner's desires-correlate with higher relationship satisfaction. Their studies showed that couples who practiced sexual flexibility and mutual accommodation reported stronger emotional bonds and better communication overall. Being willing to try new things strengthens relationships, with both partners experiencing increased desire and trust. Additional research from the University of Toronto found that couples who regularly discussed and explored their sexual interests maintained higher levels of relationship satisfaction over time, supporting the core principles of the GGG philosophy.
Chapter 6
The Myth of Sexual Orientation as Choice
Remember Herman Cain? During his brief stint as a Republican presidential front-runner in 2012, he claimed being gay was "a choice." When challenged by Joy Behar on The View, he demanded, "Show me the science that says it is not." Similarly, British Columbia Conservative Party leader John Cummins declared homosexuality "a conscious choice." These statements reflect a persistent but scientifically unfounded belief that continues to influence public policy and social attitudes.
The "choice" argument is fundamentally about denying gay people civil rights protections. If sexual orientation is truly a choice, Savage proposes a simple challenge to "choicers" like Herman Cain and John Cummins: prove it by choosing to be gay themselves. Show us how this gay/straight switch can be flipped at will. When pressed, none of these critics can demonstrate this supposed ability to change orientation at will, revealing the inherent flaw in their logic.
Science clearly shows sexual orientation is not a choice. Extensive research indicates complex biological factors including genetics, prenatal hormones, and birth order. Studies of identical twins demonstrate that when one twin is gay, the other has a significantly higher likelihood of being gay compared to the general population, suggesting a genetic component. The Royal College of Psychiatrists confirms "sexual orientation is biological in nature" and "not a choice." Research has identified specific chromosomal regions linked to sexual orientation, and brain imaging studies show structural differences between gay and straight individuals.
Homosexuality appears to be multicausal, involving interactions between genes and hormones that are impossible to control for-essentially "bigot-proof" by design. The "fraternal birth order effect," where each older brother increases the likelihood of a male being gay by approximately 33%, demonstrates how prenatal hormone exposure can influence orientation. Neuroscientific research has revealed differences in brain structure and response patterns that develop long before any "conscious choice" could be made.
Ironically, the "choice" argument should offend straight people too, as it implies their love and desires could be easily abandoned. Ask any straight person when they "chose" to be attracted to the opposite sex, and they'll likely respond that they never made such a choice - it was simply their natural orientation. Many anti-gay activists may actually be speaking from personal experience-not of choosing to be gay, but of choosing to suppress their own same-sex attractions. Studies have shown that individuals who exhibit the strongest anti-gay attitudes often show arousal patterns to same-sex stimuli, suggesting their hostility may stem from their own unresolved sexual identity conflicts.
The scientific consensus is clear: sexual orientation is a complex, biologically-based characteristic, not a lifestyle choice or preference that can be modified at will. This understanding has profound implications for how society approaches LGBTQ+ rights and acceptance.
Chapter 7
Same-Sex Parenting and Family Values
Much has changed since Savage published "The Kid" about adopting his son D.J. twelve years earlier. Marriage equality spread to multiple states and countries, and public opinion shifted dramatically in favor of same-sex marriage. During this time, the number of gay couples adopting in America exploded from 6,500 in 2000 to nearly 22,000 by 2009-a "stratospheric" increase that "The Kid" helped inspire.
Meanwhile, anti-gay activists continue opposing gay adoption using the "big lie" that gay couples deprive straight couples of children. Some extremists like Bryan Fischer have even called for an "Underground Railroad" to kidnap children from same-sex households, claiming that basic parenting by gay couples constitutes "sexual abuse."
Despite claims that children need opposite-sex parents, dozens of legitimate studies show children with same-sex parents are just as happy and well-adjusted as those with straight parents. A UCLA study published in the American Journal of Orthopsychiatry found children adopted by gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples all made significant cognitive gains, with children adopted by same-sex parents starting with more risk factors yet achieving equal footing after two years.
This reality is why mainstream organizations like the American Academy of Pediatrics support adoption by same-sex couples, noting the "psychologic and legal security" children gain from having two loving parents. With nearly half a million children in foster care, the real choice isn't between gay or straight parents-it's between having parents or having none.
Despite America's Puritan heritage and ongoing battles over sexuality issues, the U.S. surprisingly leads in adoption rights for same-sex couples. Same-sex couples can adopt jointly in eleven states, single gay people can adopt in forty-five states, and second-parent adoptions are legal in thirteen states. This progressive reality wasn't the result of deliberate pro-gay legislation but often legislative oversight-adoptions were never specifically banned, allowing judges and social workers to approve them in children's best interests.
D.J., now fifteen, came out to Savage and his husband Terry as straight a few years ago. They had suspected his orientation since he was a trucks-and-guns-obsessed toddler. Unlike many straight parents, they weren't emotionally invested in their child sharing their sexual orientation-they knew the odds were slim, with only about 3.5% of the population being gay, lesbian or bisexual.
Heartbreakingly, D.J. first came out to their neighbor John, swearing him to secrecy because he wasn't sure how his dads would react. When he finally told them with a casual "So you guys know I'm straight and stuff, right?", they assured him they knew and that it changed nothing.
Chapter 8
Halloween: America's Straight Pride Parade
There's something disturbing about a "Sexy Jane Doe" Halloween costume-essentially a form-fitting body bag with toe tag marketed as part of his-and-hers costume sets. While the female version is a skintight, revealing "body bag dress," the male "Coroner" costume is just a baggy lab coat worn over regular clothes. This power dynamic of a clothed man examining a sexy female corpse rightfully disturbs many feminist critics.
Yet despite the problematic nature of specific costumes, Savage finds himself defending the increasingly sexualized adult Halloween celebrations against critics-even progressive ones who normally champion sexual freedom. These critics lament that a children's holiday has become an excuse for adults to dress provocatively in public.
But this transformation isn't sad-it's awesome and overdue. When conservative students confront him about gay pride parades, complaining about "men in ass-less chaps" while claiming straight people don't "flaunt their sexuality" with pride parades, his response is simple: "You should."
And increasingly, they do. Halloween has evolved into straight America's pride parade, with routes that meander between straight bars and costumes that get more revealing each year. What many don't realize is that Halloween was historically the gay holiday-the one night when men could wear leather or feathers and women could dress in masculine attire without fear of arrest or social ruin.
Before Stonewall, Halloween was the only time queer people could be themselves publicly. In pre-Stonewall Chicago, Mafia-run costume balls were the sole events where "all bets were off" and police left gay people alone. The holiday resonated because closeted life was a constant masquerade-Halloween allowed gay people to transform skills honed under duress into joy.
Today, Halloween belongs to heterosexuals. Americans spent $7 billion on it in 2011, with nearly 70% of adults celebrating. Straight people needed this hyper-sexualized bash-their own version of Brazil's Carnival or Germany's Fasching. The only unfair aspect is gender disparity-women are expected to show flesh while men aren't.
Chapter 9
The Long Road to Dignity and Acceptance
Terry found a bargain vacation rental in Hawaii-a six-bedroom house steps from the beach. Dan and Terry invited two other gay couples, and their thirteen-year-old son D.J. brought two straight friends along. As his son and his friends played in the surf with Terry and their friends, Dan sat reading Merle Miller's essay "What It Means to Be a Homosexual," published forty years earlier.
The essay described how Miller's straight friends feared leaving their teenage sons alone with him, worried about "seduction" into homosexuality. Reading this on that beach struck Dan powerfully-here he was, a notorious sex columnist and "political bomb thrower," yet the parents of D.J.'s straight friends trusted them completely with their sons.
It has gotten better. Not perfect, but better.
This progress is what motivated Dan and Terry to start the It Gets Better Project after fifteen-year-old Billy Lucas hanged himself in 2010 after relentless anti-gay bullying. They wanted to reach isolated LGBT youth who couldn't picture futures with enough joy to compensate for their present pain, particularly those in places without support systems or with hostile parents.
The project was born from anger-kids were being bullied to death for being queer, often by their own parents. LGBT kids with hostile families are eight times more likely to attempt suicide than those with supportive ones. Their first video was an act of defiance-they were determined to talk directly to these kids whether their parents, preachers, or teachers approved or not.
Just as anger motivated them, it motivated Merle Miller forty years earlier when he came out publicly after becoming "sick and tired of hearing such goddamn demeaning, degrading bullshit about me and my friends." The social progress we've witnessed wasn't inevitable-it began when people like Miller decided they'd finally had enough and stood up for themselves and their friends.
The LGBT movement at its core is about people standing up for themselves, their friends, and their lovers against lies and degrading bullshit. Dan had his own It Gets Better moment in 1976 at age eleven, when he saw two gay men holding hands in line at a Chicago movie theater. While his mother pulled him closer protectively, he saw his future in those happy, free men.
Four months after Brian Brown's dinner visit to debate marriage equality, Dan and Terry legally married at Seattle's city hall when same-sex marriage became legal in Washington State. Though they'd previously married in Canada in 2005, they wanted legal recognition in their home state. As they exit the ceremony, they're greeted by a cheering crowd of mostly straight well-wishers. This moment reminds Dan of an encounter years earlier in Kerry Park, where he overheard an older gay couple watching a straight wedding celebration remark, "We're always happy for them. Would it kill them to be happy for us?" Now, as Dan and Terry walk down city hall's steps amid applause and congratulations from straight supporters, Dan hopes those men are still together and got to experience this day of reciprocated joy and celebration, seeing that "they were happy for us."
