1장
The Illusion of "Having It All" and How to Actually Get There
Picture this: You're scrolling through Instagram at 11 PM, exhausted after a day of meetings, school pickups, and dinner prep. Everyone else seems to be thriving-building empires while maintaining perfect homes and rock-hard abs. Meanwhile, you're drowning in unfolded laundry, unanswered emails, and guilt. This is the modern woman's dilemma that Romi Neustadt tackles head-on in her refreshingly honest approach to life management. A Harvard Business Review study found that 60% of professional women report feeling like they're failing at everything despite working harder than ever. Neustadt's book has become a rallying cry for overwhelmed high-achievers, with celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Glennon Doyle praising its practical wisdom. What makes this book stand out in the crowded self-help landscape is its central revelation: Having It All isn't about doing everything-it's about having what truly matters to you.
2장
Focus: The Foundation of an Intentional Life
Our minds resemble kitchen junk drawers emptied onto trampolines-scattered, chaotic, and constantly in motion. We wake exhausted, race through morning routines, and spend our days with thoughts darting between work obligations, family responsibilities, social commitments, and endless to-do lists. This mental chaos leaves little energy for ourselves or our partners, trapping us in reactive lives where urgent matters constantly push aside what's truly important.
Whatever we focus on expands-whether dreams, goals, feelings, or problems. When we direct our attention to what truly matters and ignore the rest, we create intentional, successful, fulfilled lives. Neustadt learned this lesson while building her direct sales business while juggling PR work, young children, and supporting her husband's medical practice. By getting laser-focused on her priorities-being present for her kids, growing her business for financial freedom, and maintaining her health-she transformed their lives in under three years, allowing her husband to leave clinical practice and relocate to their dream location.
But success brings more responsibilities and bigger dreams, which can turn our minds back into chaotic junk drawers. As her business grew exponentially, so did her stress. A Tony Robbins insight hit her like lightning: "If you're stressed in your business, you're a business operator, not a business owner." She realized she wasn't just failing to own her business-she wasn't owning her life. She needed to devote significant time to determine where to focus her energy, not just manage time but find her life's soul.
Focus isn't just an inspirational poster slogan-it's a daily practice requiring new behaviors, confronting unhealthy thoughts, and cultivating discipline. It demands being brave enough to declare what you truly want and saying "no" to everything else.
3장
The One Word That Can Transform Your Year
Being intentional with our precious resources-time, energy, emotions, and mindset-reduces stress and overwhelm, making us more productive and fulfilled humans. We become more confident and empowered to live our truth, leading with love instead of fear.
During a solitary weekend at the Four Seasons in Vegas, Neustadt discovered the concept of "One Word"-a guidepost for the entire year that would direct her personally, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually. This approach proved more powerful than New Year's resolutions, which studies show only 8 percent of people actually keep. Her chosen word was "Balance." As a relentless type A personality who constantly pushed herself from one goal to the next in an endless series of sprints and crashes, she needed to learn how to find joy among the daily chaos.
But declaring your One Word isn't enough-you need a process to make it work. Once you've identified your word, establish your Priorities that serve it, which will influence where you put your time and attention. As overachievers, we might think we need many priorities, but we don't. Priorities are our values, lifestyle principles, and beliefs that are so important that not serving them is nonnegotiable.
After establishing Priorities, set Goals-both short and long-term-that serve those Priorities. While Priorities represent what's most important in your life today, Goals are things not yet realized that you're committed to making happen. If your Goals don't support your Priorities, you'll feel scattered, stressed and unfulfilled because you're not living your truth.
Consider Sarah's story: After realizing her health was suffering from neglect, with rheumatoid arthritis flaring and anxiety causing chest pains, she chose "Decide" as her One Word. She established three key Priorities: vibrant health, family time, and business growth. For her health Priority, Sarah replaced her habit of rewarding achievements with sweets and alcohol by celebrating with yoga classes and massages instead. She lost forty-eight pounds and her arthritis went into remission. For her business Priority, she hired an assistant for her nonprofit and collaborated more with other teams, helping her reach her business goals four months early.
Or take Emily, who was hiding a serious drinking problem behind her successful entrepreneur facade. After her last drink left her blacked out for an entire weekend, she embraced the One Word process with "Vision." Her priorities became putting family first, honoring her boundaries, and letting go of perfectionism. By establishing nonnegotiable schedules and focusing on what truly mattered, she hit her business goals for the entire year by July. Most importantly, she became present in her life and discovered she had been self-medicating instead of dealing with her feelings.
4장
Calculate Your Worth: Understanding the Value of Your Time
Time is our most valuable resource, yet we often fail to recognize its true worth. Understanding the monetary value of our time helps make smarter decisions about where to spend it. Neustadt shares how she once freely gave away "pick your brain" sessions despite being careful with money in other areas of her life.
She developed a personal calculation for determining her hourly worth. Aiming for a $1 million annual income while working 20 hours weekly made each hour worth $962. This clarity dramatically changed how she spent her time-declining unproductive meetings, minimizing TV and social media, and delegating tasks like laundry to college students for $12/hour. As her goals evolved, she recalculated her hourly worth, which eventually reached $9,615.
This exercise isn't about putting a price tag on every moment but recognizing the financial implications of how we spend our time. Women especially tend to undervalue themselves, but we are worthy of whatever we're willing to work hard to achieve. And "big" is unique to each person-your version of success doesn't need to match anyone else's.
When you calculate your own hourly worth, it becomes clear how financially irresponsible it is to spend time on activities that don't serve your priorities or goals. Would you pay someone your hourly rate to scroll through social media or attend meetings that go nowhere? Probably not-so why pay yourself to do it?
5장
Relentlessly Edit Your Life: Eliminate, Delegate, Liberate
Now that you understand your hourly worth, it's time to relentlessly edit your life. The goal is to "Have It All, not Do It All."
We must first distinguish between being productive and merely busy. Real growth comes from productivity, not busyness. People often respond to "How are you?" with "I'm so busy!" but struggle to articulate meaningful activities when pressed further. Imagine instead responding with passionate descriptions of your priorities and goals-this shift in focus could transform conversations from complaints about busyness to supportive discussions about what truly matters.
To understand where your time goes, meticulously track everything you do for a full week, recording each activity and its duration. Then categorize each entry with specific labels: "P" for activities serving priorities, "G" for those advancing goals, "F" for fun activities, "H" for hated tasks, "S" for things done out of obligation, and "M" for true necessities like sleeping and basic hygiene.
Most women's "Hate" and "Should" lists include: housecleaning, laundry, administrative work, finances, cooking, grocery shopping, and various volunteer activities. We're "Should-ing all over the place" due to real or perceived societal pressure. Two critical mantras to remember: "I cannot do everything" and "I'm not supposed to be able to do everything." Attempting to do everything not only takes time away from priorities but also drains energy and leads to procrastination, guilt, and reduced productivity.
Delegation is a superpower, not a weakness. When Neustadt was building her business while raising young children, her husband took on cooking once a week, and she embraced meal assembly and takeout options, dropping any guilt about what she "should" be doing. She contrasts this with a team member who couldn't grow her business because she insisted on cooking from scratch every night.
When priorities conflict, choices must be made. Evaluate tasks by asking: "Is there someone else who can do this, or am I the only person uniquely qualified?" Control-freak tendencies are actually "out-of-control" fears, and business growth often depends on excellent assistants who handle both business and personal responsibilities.
Sometimes we need to examine if we truly hate certain activities or if we're just following "shoulds." Using exercise as an example, Neustadt shares how she realized her own workout choices were driven by outdated beliefs about what she "should" be doing rather than what served her current priorities. When she switched to yoga and functional workouts that better aligned with her evolved priorities of health and mental clarity, she not only enjoyed exercise again but saw better physical results.
Mom guilt deserves special attention as perhaps the biggest pile of "shoulds" out there. Not trying to do everything has enabled many women to build fulfilling careers that benefit their families while taking care of themselves. We must stop the cycle of judgment-both of others and ourselves-and eliminate activities marked as "Should" that stem from misguided notions of what good motherhood requires.
6장
Protect Your Energy: Boundaries for Emotional Well-being
Having it all requires protecting not just your time but also your emotions and thoughts. We must remove or recategorize destructive relationships and avoid energy drains. Elizabeth Gilbert realized she wasn't naturally "low energy" but rather had allowed her energy to be zapped by emotional burdens.
Drawing from Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Four Agreements," we should embrace the Second Agreement: "Don't Take Anything Personally." Others' actions reflect their reality, not yours. This practice becomes easier with self-kindness and confidence. When close friends don't check in during difficult times, don't take it personally-understand everyone has full plates. Address concerns directly rather than letting them fester.
We should also follow Ruiz's Third Agreement, "Don't Make Assumptions," recognizing how much drama stems from the stories we create in our heads. Assume positive intent when someone doesn't respond to messages or declines invitations. In direct sales, non-responses often aren't personal rejections but simply bad timing, and following up later can yield positive results.
As a self-described "recovering people pleaser," Neustadt spent decades trying to make everyone like her. Around her fortieth birthday, she had a liberating realization: she would never be everyone's cup of tea, and that was perfectly fine. She embraced that she couldn't control others' opinions of her, only her opinion of herself. This freedom allowed her to celebrate her authentic self and find "her people" who appreciate her uncensored personality.
Live by the mantra: "Stick with the people who pull the magic out of you and not the madness." Relationships filled with critics and energy-drainers leave no room for people who elevate us. Through therapy and self-reflection, develop questions to evaluate troubled relationships, including: "Can I be completely myself?", "Does this person elevate or drain me?", and "Do I feel relief at the thought of ending this relationship?"
Even family relationships may need boundaries. Though many believe family bonds should be maintained regardless of circumstances, apply the same standards and boundaries to family as you do to other relationships. For some relatives, you might "recategorize" their relationships, while with others, you may need to cut ties completely if you no longer feel emotionally safe.
7장
Habits That Serve: Small Changes, Big Impact
Habits are essential tools that help us solve problems and achieve our goals, though they often get a bad reputation for being difficult to maintain. Habits aren't about overnight transformations but about making small, incremental changes through daily decisions. We don't need inherent discipline-we need sufficient motivation. Our desire to eliminate pain must outweigh the discomfort of adopting new behaviors.
We can cultivate discipline when our pain is significant enough to motivate consistent action. Neustadt's 89-year-old mother quit smoking after 50+ years when a doctor showed her the potentially fatal damage to her heart. Neustadt herself eliminated refined sugar when she realized how it zapped her energy and affected her mood. Her daughter gave up gluten despite her love for bread when stomach issues and skin rashes became unbearable. Discipline emerges when the desire for relief becomes greater than the fear of discomfort.
To successfully adopt new habits, we must change our internal narratives. Replace phrases like "I can't eat sugar" with "I don't eat sugar" to emphasize personal choice rather than restriction. Transform "I have to wake up early" into "I get to wake up early" to highlight benefits rather than obligations. If "habit" feels off-putting, reframe them as "rituals," making them sound more indulgent and appealing.
Scheduling is fundamental to productivity. Use a calendar to track all professional, personal, and family commitments in one place. Every Sunday, have a "date" with your calendar to plan the upcoming week, ensuring all commitments are logged. This habit gives peace by helping visualize where all the moving pieces are, reducing anxiety and increasing productivity. Turn planning into a ritual with music and tea, and use it to measure commitments against priorities and goals.
When blocking time, prioritize the hardest tasks first. Build a reward system that reinforces commitment: completing writing time earns lunch with online shopping or reading; finishing business outreach allows for coffee and socializing. Schedule according to your humanity rather than fighting against it.
Start the day right by waking up at least an hour before your kids and avoiding immediate phone checking. Begin with gratitude, do a body scan for centering, set an intention for approaching the day, stretch, and use Mel Robbins's 5-Second Rule to get out of bed. This morning ritual provides self-care and preparation before serving others.
Prioritize sleep-exhaustion isn't required to "have it all"; in fact, it's a major obstacle. Establish a reasonable bedtime with digital devices off at least an hour before. Create an evening routine that might include reading, journaling gratitudes, and occasionally intimacy with your partner.
Instead of multitasking, which research shows makes us 40% less productive and wreaks havoc on memory, use "multipliers"-single activities that fulfill multiple goals while allowing full presence. Examples include hiking with a nonprofit volunteer to discuss fundraising or having a working date night with your spouse.
8장
Taming Technology: From Addiction to Intentional Use
Technology plays a vital role in modern life-from meeting spouses online to building businesses through e-commerce and social media-while also being potentially addictive. Rather than abandoning smartphones altogether, advocate for mindful control. Tech companies deliberately engineer addictive features using dopamine hits and social approval, and research shows that even a phone's mere presence reduces cognitive performance.
To overcome phone addiction, implement specific boundaries. Use the off button more frequently, initially finding it difficult but eventually experiencing relief from disconnecting for hours at a time. Nothing is so urgent it can't wait, even when children are away at camps where real-time communication is forbidden.
Set timers before using social media to avoid losing track of time. For work-related social media, write down specific tasks, and when they're done, log off. Put your phone away during meals and meetings to avoid distraction. Turn off every alert possible, declining all app notification requests. Keep only essential notifications like texts and important business communications, but curb even these with Do Not Disturb settings.
Carry a book to avoid defaulting to social media scrolling during unexpected free moments. Stop bringing your phone to the bathroom, even at home, to eliminate habitual cues. Adopt a One-and-Done Rule for photos and videos-at any event, take just one picture or short video clip that will capture the memory, helping you stay present rather than documenting everything at the expense of experiencing it.
The average person spends two hours daily on social media, not counting other phone usage. Focus less on the amount of time and more on whether that time is productive. Following Cal Newport's advice, ask: "Is this the best way to use technology to support this value?" Strive to use your phone to Have It All, not to fill empty spaces, avoid hard stuff, ease anxiety, or fight boredom.
9장
The Power of Quiet: Finding Your Inner Voice
We're constantly bombarded with noise from devices, people, and the world around us. This chaos eventually feels like it's happening inside us too. While many prioritize doing over being, maintaining a Have-It-All life requires quiet time-and science confirms this necessity.
Our brains need rest from constant demands. The ceaseless requirements of modern life burden our prefrontal cortex, depleting our "attention resources" and leaving us mentally exhausted. According to "attention restoration theory," our brains can restore cognitive resources when we reduce incoming noise. Research shows silence can actually grow our brains-a 2015 study found periods of daily silence led to new cell development in the hippocampus. Just two minutes without stimuli is more relaxing than longer periods of "relaxing music."
Quiet time also allows us to hear our inner voice-what Neustadt calls the Heart Voice-that guides and calms us. If health is one of your Priorities, and your brain needs quiet to be healthy, then you must make time for it. Thankfully, research shows long periods aren't necessary to benefit.
Quiet isn't about physical stillness but turning off what's coming into our ears and brains. Many people experience quiet while in motion-walking a dog, cross-country skiing, practicing yoga, or running outdoors. These activities can help us "check in with ourselves" and gain insight into our emotional state through our bodies.
When we don't allow for quiet, our whispering Heart Voice becomes increasingly louder until life throws us a curveball that forces us to listen. During professional and personal crises, many people lose their grounding because they have no quiet time. Some experience physical manifestations-allergic reactions, illness, or exhaustion-that force them to stop and listen. The irony is that by not taking regular quiet time to hear the whispers of our needs, we often end up needing much more time checked out of regular life.
Traditional meditation doesn't work for everyone. Instead, try simply focusing on breathing for at least ten minutes daily-no rules, no tracking consecutive days, no specific location required. This approach feels like a treat rather than another task. Use it to transition between different parts of your day-after hectic mornings, before meetings, and especially when switching from work mode to parent mode. Just five minutes helps exhale stress and inhale calm.
10장
Authenticity: The Ultimate Freedom
Everyone talks about authenticity because it's vital, yet few truly practice it. Trying to be someone other than your true self is exhausting and prevents you from knowing what you really want or where to focus your energy. Living authentically takes profound courage because it requires vulnerability.
Many of us feel like frauds, wondering if we have anything valuable to offer. But the more we live our truth, the better our lives become. Authenticity means living in concert with our beliefs and values consistently, where our outer presentation matches our inner feelings. It's not a one-time decision but a collection of daily choices to show up and be real.
When we express and embrace our true selves, our inner power emerges. Neustadt's journey included changing college majors, leaving law for PR, and eventually finding love with someone completely different from her "type." The biggest test came at 38 when she considered joining a direct sales company despite her prestigious background. She discovered her entrepreneurial spirit and love for building communities, refusing to tone down her personality even when corporate initially wanted her to "be less Romi."
The comparison game is a major obstacle to authenticity. We're more vulnerable to comparison when we're unhappy with ourselves or insecure about our choices. Even when we identify what we truly want, feelings of inadequacy can paralyze us. The comparison trap creates a false standard of perfection that prevents women from pursuing their desires and believing they can have everything they want.
We often fear showing our real selves, believing we won't be impressive enough. But our authentic stories create deeper connections and trust. Living authentically requires less energy than pretending, helps us find our people and purpose, and makes decision-making clearer.
Our bodies give us clues when we're living inauthentically-feeling out of sync, unhappy, bored, stressed, or stuck. In these moments, get quiet and listen to your Heart Voice, which will reveal where you're not being true to yourself. The more we permit ourselves to live authentically, the more we step into our power and purpose, creating a snowball effect that makes authenticity habitual.
11장
Self-Forgiveness and Facing Fear
Forgiveness isn't just about releasing others from our resentment-it's about forgiving ourselves. We waste too much time beating ourselves up for mistakes, which only leads to self-doubt and questioning our worthiness. We're conditioned to believe we shouldn't make mistakes, as if some people are immune to failure. But no one is, and our failures can propel us forward if we learn from them.
When making mistakes, follow a three-step process: review what happened and why, revise by problem-solving how to prevent similar mistakes, and release both the event and associated negative emotions. An essential part of release is apologizing to those we've wronged, which helps both them and ourselves move forward.
The other essential aspect of forgiveness is accepting what we're not. Many women struggle to name their strengths yet could write volumes about their shortcomings. This focus on deficiencies prevents evolution into who we're meant to be. Accept everything you're not while celebrating everything you are. This doesn't mean abandoning self-improvement; rather, it means letting go of what you can't change.
Fear is the four-letter word that can derail all our best intentions and strategies for living intentionally. We all begin life without fear-like five-year-olds dancing with unbridled enthusiasm and pure joy. But as we experience disappointments, failures, rankings, and unsupportive relationships, life cloaks us in fear that becomes so thick and heavy it prevents us from dreaming.
Learn to lean into fear instead of trying to ignore or escape it, recognizing it as a signal that you're onto something good and on the right path. The stuff that scares you is what pushes you out of your comfort zone and requires growth. When facing fears, identify them, ask why you're afraid, consider the worst possible outcome, declare what you know to be true (focusing on facts, not emotion), and imagine the best possible outcome.
To truly overcome fear, address the scarcity mindset fueling it. We're afraid we're not enough to do what we want and be who we were meant to be. We question our capability and worthiness to Have It All, and whether we have enough time, energy, and success available. Choose to believe you have enough time if you spend it on what's important, and enough energy if you protect yourself from what drains you.
What should scare us most is not living the life we were meant to live, not touching the lives we were meant to touch, not teaching our children to pursue their dreams and live their truth. As Maya Angelou wrote, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."
Women excel at pouring love into everyone else, but to Have It All, we must love ourselves most. This isn't self-indulgent-it's the ultimate expression of love. Loving yourself means letting go of what others think, saying no to what's not right for you, and making time for yourself. This love must be unconditional, not dependent on perfection, weight, wealth, or others' approval.
Focus less on perfection and more on taking risks; less on eliciting praise and more on serving your passions; less on meeting others' expectations and more on feeding your imagination; less on checking boxes and more on the satisfaction of living your truth. Remember that nobody else gets to write the story of your life but you. You can Have It All-just not at the same damn time. You can do anything, but not everything. Choose wisely. Choose YOU.
