1장
The Sacred Revolution: Where Spirituality Meets Sexuality
In a world that often separates sexuality from spirituality, Urban Tantra stands as a revolutionary manifesto. When Barbara Carrellas first published this groundbreaking work in 2007, she couldn't find a book that made Tantra accessible to urban dwellers, LGBTQ+ individuals, and those outside traditional spiritual paths. So she wrote it herself. Now, over a decade later, the revolution she called for has flourished, with practitioners from 26 countries carrying her inclusive approach worldwide. The book has garnered praise from sex educators like Betty Dodson and Carol Queen for its ability to unite sex, spirit, and radical exploration. Celebrities like Louise Hay have endorsed its practical wisdom, while countless readers have discovered that ecstasy is possible anywhere-from peaceful retreats to bustling city streets. Urban Tantra doesn't just teach techniques; it offers a complete reimagining of what sex can be when approached with full consciousness, breath, and presence.
2장
Tantra Demystified: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Pleasure
Tantra defies simple definition, with roots stretching back 3,000-5,000 years to ancient shamanic societies. The word itself means "loom" or "weaving" in Sanskrit, suggesting a continuous process of integration. While its origins remain debated among scholars, modern Tantra emerged in sixth-century India as a radical spiritual practice that welcomed people of all castes and genders, offering direct divine connection through bodily experience.
Despite Western fixation on its sexual aspects, Tantra's core principles remain consistent across traditions: it's a personal practice of liberation that views the body and life as manifestations of divine energy. Sexual excitement offers just a taste of this divine energy that permeates everything. Urban Tantra embraces these foundations while adapting them to contemporary life.
Tantra isn't a religion but an embodied spiritual practice that can be woven into any spiritual path. While sex can be a doorway to Tantric practice, Tantra isn't exclusively about sex-applying its principles of mindfulness, embodiment, and presence to everyday life brings profound benefits. It can be practiced by people of all genders, not just heterosexual couples, as everyone possesses both masculine/yang and feminine/yin qualities in varying proportions.
Surprisingly, Tantra and BDSM share common ground as erotic arts of consciousness that produce trance states and transformational experiences. Tantra allows for orgasms-including multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms for people with penises-but expands the definition to include full-body/full-spirit experiences. Tantric rituals can be brief or elaborate, practiced alone or with partners, and don't require years of study with a guru to be effective.
The path to authentic Tantric experience is remarkably simple: stay in the present moment, don't try so hard, drop expectations and judgments, surrender, be more conscious, and learn to apply these principles to sex-all while remaining present. This isn't always easy in our distracted world, but the rewards are immeasurable.
3장
The Necessity of Ecstasy: Beyond Ordinary Pleasure
Humans naturally crave ecstasy, going to extraordinary lengths to achieve it and settling for almost any substitute-which explains why even mediocre sex remains popular. Ecstasy (also called bliss) represents a peak experience that expands our possibilities, connects us to our physical and metaphysical power, and according to pioneering psychologist Wilhelm Reich, is medically necessary for human health.
But what exactly is ecstasy, and how does it differ from pleasure? Pleasure is a physical experience belonging to the nervous system-sensations registering in the body as pleasant or very pleasant. Ecstasy, however, transcends the physical-it's an overwhelming delight or mental transport to well-being, peace, or visions. In its purest Tantric definition, ecstatic bliss isn't a feeling but a metaphysical experience where all sensations are eclipsed by boundaryless beingness in a vast ocean of interconnected energy.
You can experience extraordinary pleasure without ecstasy, and occasionally ecstasy without physical pleasure, though they often have a close relationship. Sexual pleasure provides one of the most universally available routes to ecstasy, especially when approached without expectations.
Many mistake the high of an adrenaline rush for ecstasy. This sensation-feeling invincible, sharp, and powerful while in the "zone" of a deadline-driven project-is actually our prehistoric fight-or-flight response. The feeling comes from stress hormones releasing sugar, dopamine, and endorphins, creating a drug-like euphoria that becomes addictive. This stress-induced high was designed for escaping life-threatening situations, not meeting deadlines. Living from one adrenaline rush to another eventually exhausts our adrenal glands, leading to burnout-the opposite of ecstasy.
Similarly, the thrills from porn, food, drugs, shopping, extreme sports, or thrill rides aren't true ecstasy but cheap substitutes. While these can be harmless fun in moderation, our culture consumes too much of this faux ecstasy. Like junk food, we crave more quantity when lacking quality.
Though it seems easier to grab quick ecstasy substitutes than find time for authentic experiences, our beings crave real ecstasy like our bodies need nutritious food. Without it, we risk illness, lethargy, and depression. The path to genuine ecstasy requires learning to journey into the now-a practice at the heart of Tantra.
4장
The Present Moment: Gateway to Tantric Experience
Our human tendency is to focus on details and inconsequential things while overlooking our immediate experience. We constantly think about past and future, forgetting to live in the present moment. The path to ecstasy requires learning to journey into the now. Consciousness simply means being in a relaxed state of awareness with a quiet mind able to focus on the present moment-not some esoteric concept, but the ability to put your attention where your intentions are.
Breath is our greatest source of energy and aliveness, yet most adults breathe just enough to stay alive. We learn early to stifle our energy by limiting our breath-the less we breathe, the less we feel. This numbing technique protects us from overwhelming sensitivity but also insulates us from feelings we want to experience. By breathing more fully, we expand our aliveness. Breath is vital for connection-matching your breathing to another person's creates a shared rhythm, allowing you to "read" each other's bodies, making touch more easily given and received, strengthening intuition, and beginning the process of two beings becoming one.
The mind is our most important sex organ, capable of saying yes or no to any expression of erotic energy. Most of what works or doesn't in our sex lives stems from beliefs we hold. Carrellas discovered this when her rigid approach to Tantra left her bored until she changed her beliefs about "doing things right" and ritual. When she released her belief that rituals were dull, she created wacky, creative Tantric events with food, toys, music and laughter that people called the best rituals in town. Our minds can be our most powerful allies or worst enemies-the choice is ours.
Affirmations-simple positive statements made in the present tense about something you want to create-can transform your experience. "I love myself exactly the way I am" or "I am safe" are examples. Every thought creates your future-if you're thinking "I'm fat, ugly, and broke," that's what you're creating. A basic premise of Tantra is self-acceptance and self-love. With these, you can change anything in your life.
Energy follows thought, as demonstrated by focused awareness exercises directing attention to specific body parts. By combining focused awareness and imagination, you create sensation. This technique, called FITYFI (fake it till you feel it), can help create and increase sensation anywhere in your body, including erogenous zones. Carrellas proved the power of visualization while pleasuring her lover-by visualizing energy circulating through her partner's body without changing physical touch, she could dramatically increase or decrease her partner's arousal at will.
Judgments and comparisons limit our sexual experiences. Carrellas recalls feeling inadequate at her first ecstasy breathing circle until the facilitator encouraged her to "be in your own experience." Once freed from comparing herself to others, she found genuine ecstasy. Many seemingly impossible things happen when raising sexual energy-faces appear to change, unexpected sensations arise, and we may even see the Divine. Being skeptical prevents these experiences.
Expectations set us up for disappointment because the mind can only focus on one thing at a time. A workshop participant who had increasingly amazing orgasmic experiences throughout a weekend expected the ultimate cosmic orgasm during her final session. When nothing happened, she felt disappointed-until the facilitator pointed out that she had actually experienced egolessness, no-mind, and inner peace. The lesson: life rarely turns out as planned, so why should sex?
5장
The Chakra System: Energetic Blueprint for Pleasure
In Tantra, we view the body in energetic as well as physical terms, with mind, body, and spirit connected in every aspect of life, including sex. Understanding chakras helps direct energy and awareness to specific areas of the body, opening pathways for full-body orgasms and serving as diagnostic tools for energy blockages. Carrellas once experienced headaches at the third eye chakra during orgasm, revealing she was overusing her mind and undervaluing intuition.
Chakras are spinning spirals of energy in the etheric body, located about six inches outside the physical body near the endocrine glands. Of the seven major chakras (and forty-three minor ones), each has specific properties including color, sound, vibrational speed, and connection to body areas and emotional issues. The lower three chakras relate to the physical world and vibrate slowly with low-pitched sounds, while the upper chakras (five through seven) connect to the non-physical realm with faster vibrations and higher pitches. The fourth chakra bridges these worlds.
The first chakra (Muladhara) is located on the perineum between the anus and genitals. Its color is red, and it physically relates to the base of spine, legs, feet, rectum, and immune system. Metaphysically, it governs grounding and survival. This chakra concerns security, basic survival needs, and tribal belonging. When imbalanced, it manifests as lower back pain, hip problems, immune disorders, and feelings of insecurity about home and safety.
The second chakra (Svadhistana) sits below the navel in the lower abdomen. Orange in color, it governs the pelvis, reproductive organs, lower intestine, and bladder. Beyond just sexuality, this chakra relates to power, control, creativity, and relationships. Money issues connected to power appear here. Sexual shame stems from authoritative voices from our past that continue to exert control over our natural expression.
The third chakra (Manipura) at the solar plexus is yellow. It relates physically to the stomach, pancreas, adrenals, gallbladder, liver, and upper intestines. This is the chakra of self-esteem, courage, trust, and emotions-particularly fear and anger. When balanced, we express emotions healthily without dumping them on others. It houses our "gut feelings"-our lower intuition for navigating the physical world safely.
The fourth chakra (Anahata) or heart chakra sits at the center of the chest. Green in color, it governs the heart, lungs, thymus, breasts, arms, and hands. As the bridge between the three lower and three upper chakras, it connects the physical and non-physical worlds through compassion, forgiveness, and love. When balanced, we care for others without self-sacrifice.
The fifth chakra (Vishuddha) at the throat is blue. It governs the throat, thyroid, mouth, gums, and teeth. This is the creative chakra of expression, communication, and choice. Sitting between head and heart, when balanced it allows clear, loving self-expression and wise decision-making. Imbalances appear as criticism, judgment, and even addiction-reflecting the cultural tug-of-war between heart wisdom and mental practicality.
The sixth chakra (Ajna) or third eye is located between the eyebrows. Purple in color, it relates to the brain, pineal gland, eyes, ears, and nose. This chakra governs intuition and wisdom, revealing our highest insights and visions. When balanced, it integrates conscious and unconscious insights, allowing us to process information with emotional intelligence, distinguish truth from illusion, and follow our intuitive guidance.
The seventh chakra (Sahasrara) or crown chakra sits at the top of the head. White in color, it connects to the pituitary gland and governs bliss, higher love, and spirituality. It's our portal to the Collective Unconscious-where spirit enters at birth and leaves at death. When open, it creates feelings of oneness with the universe, often experienced during powerful orgasms as "being shot out the top of the head."
Sex is fundamentally an energetic experience as much as a physical one, which is why Tantra emphasizes the chakras alongside the body. You don't need perfectly balanced chakras to begin experiencing sexual energy flow-simply focus on pleasure and building energy. The practice of Tantra itself helps heal and balance your chakras over time.
6장
Awakening the Body: Breath, Meditation, and Play
Three powerful paths to pleasure-breath, meditation, and silliness-can produce extraordinary pleasure that surpasses any sex toy or dream lover. These techniques will make your orgasms longer and deeper while bringing erotic energy to more areas of your life.
Breath is a powerful tool for producing extraordinary pleasure by moving erotic energy throughout the body. Most people breathe just enough to survive, unconsciously holding their breath throughout the day-especially during sex when trying to orgasm. However, deep, full orgasms happen through the dance between tension and release. Mouth breathing charges the body (used during passion), while nose breathing calms by stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system. Changing how you breathe creates perceptible shifts in consciousness and feeling, opening pathways for orgasmic energy to travel throughout the entire body rather than remaining localized in the genitals.
Four powerful breath techniques can transform your consciousness and enhance your erotic experience. The Bottom Breathing technique involves pushing out the anal sphincter on inhale while completely relaxing on exhale, creating a state of relaxed awareness that connects upper and lower chakras. The Circular Breath creates a continuous flow with no break between inhale and exhale, circulating erotic energy throughout your body and between partners. The Breath of Fire, a Kundalini yoga technique done through the nose with emphasis on exhale, rapidly energizes the body for 1-2 minutes. The Heart Breath opens the throat with a gentle yawn-like inhale and soft exhale, providing a versatile technique for all erotic purposes.
Meditation for Westerners often becomes an exercise in trying to meditate while the mind races with distractions. Osho observed that Westerners couldn't begin by sitting still-their minds were too busy-so he created active meditations that allowed the natural craziness of the mind to express itself until the body and mind could reach a state of relaxed, energized awareness. This state is ideal for conscious sex. Rather than fighting our busy minds, we can use active meditation techniques to prepare for deeper states of presence.
Silliness has tremendous power to free us from our illusions of control and self-importance. Though most adults abandon silliness after childhood due to social conditioning, particularly in junior high school, embracing our silliness can expand our minds, spirituality, and sex. The "No Silliness" rule that follows us into adulthood robs us of a natural source of joy and release. Reclaiming our capacity for silliness-even when it feels embarrassing-can be transformative for our erotic experiences.
Witnessing involves noticing thoughts without engaging them-like watching clouds float by without jumping on them. This technique creates distance between yourself and your feelings, helping you remember that you are not your emotions. When witnessing painful thoughts, you can let them glide by without getting pulled into them, allowing you to make conscious choices about your responses rather than being controlled by your feelings.
7장
The Art of Conscious Touch
Sex, whether Tantric or not, involves lots of touch. While traditional guides focus on which body parts to touch and when, Tantra encourages us to become the touch itself. This requires finding the narrow realm between too much pressure and too little-where the body pushes back just slightly without becoming rigid or remaining flaccid.
This essence of conscious touch, named by Chester Mainard as the Resilient Edge of Resistance, is that sweet spot where touch feels safe, supportive and present-neither too hard nor too soft. It lulls you into deep comfort and surrender while keeping you awake and aware. Think of the Pillsbury doughboy's tummy dimpling and springing back when touched. This edge shifts constantly; as pressure is applied, you expand slightly, creating a new edge of resistance. Like deepening into a yoga pose with each breath rather than forcing it, staying at this edge allows you to surrender and go deeper.
This concept extends beyond physical touch to all aspects of relating with lovers, including yourself. Your personal edge varies based on life circumstances-someone living a peaceful cottage life will have different needs than someone working high-pressure jobs in a city. Carrellas shares a personal experience where, during an intensely stressful period, her partner Kate intuitively recognized her need for harder touch rather than the light caresses she typically enjoyed. Through progressively more intense stimulation that felt safe but challenging, she experienced a powerful emotional release. Whether you prefer soft touch or hard pressure, finding your Resilient Edge of Resistance is key.
Time isn't fixed but malleable-something we have power to control, though we often give it away to everything else. Many committed couples report not having sex despite enjoying it, blaming lack of time. But "I don't have time for sex" usually means something else: exhaustion, prioritizing work, needing personal space, or feeling depleted. The solution is starting small with "conscious quickies"-twenty-minute sexual activities that can be exciting and satisfying. Twenty minutes of daily practice (like lap dancing, selfloving, energy orgasms, or meditation) adds up to 2.5 hours weekly, more effective than one long session.
8장
Solo Tantra: The Journey to Self-Love
Carrellas introduces the concept of self as the ideal lover-the one who will never leave you, who always wants sex when you do, and who knows exactly how to please you. Solo Tantra isn't merely a substitute when you can't find a partner; it's the lifelong process of falling in love with yourself through respect, devotion, and compassion.
In Tantra, sex isn't an action but an energy that exists independently-you simply notice it and it begins to move. Sexual energy is a physical force you can feel and direct. By rubbing your hands together vigorously and holding them apart, you can feel the energy field between them. This same energy can be directed to other parts of your body through intention. There's no fundamental difference between sexual energy and other forms of life-force energy-it's all the same vital force that can be built, circulated, and used in numerous ways.
Different traditions describe sexual energy through various models. In yogic tradition, Kundalini is depicted as a coiled snake at the base of the spine that, when awakened, spirals up through the Ida and Pingala channels, activating each chakra before reaching the pineal gland to create a major consciousness shift. In Chinese Taoist tradition, sexual energy (ching-chi) travels in the Microcosmic Orbit-a circuit with back and front channels running from the perineum up the spine and down the front of the body.
Sexual energy is visibly observable on the body through sounds and movements. Lower-pitched, grunty sounds indicate energy concentrated in lower chakras; breathy, mid-pitched "ahh" sounds suggest heart and throat chakra activation; high-pitched "eee" sounds signal energy at the third eye or crown chakra. Similarly, body movements track energy flow-hip grinding indicates lower chakra focus, back-arching shows solar plexus or heart chakra engagement, and head movements signal upper chakra activation.
Carrellas dispels the misconception that "higher" sex practices aim to raise energy out of the genitals into higher chakras as a more spiritual experience. While we do want to spread sexual energy throughout the entire body, this isn't about elevating energy away from lower chakras, which aren't inferior to higher ones. Unlike organized religions that have viewed the body as something to overcome, or New Age practices that use meditation to leave the body, Tantra's intention is the opposite-to drop into the body more deeply and completely.
9장
Reimagining Orgasm: Beyond the Genital Experience
Carrellas challenges the notion that focusing on orgasm is problematic, arguing instead that orgasm is a profoundly important physical and spiritual experience with healing properties. She suggests we've barely begun to explore orgasm's spiritual potential and the many ways it can be used for healing and happiness.
She presents three definitions of orgasm: a sexual climax from genital stimulation, a release of accumulated tension and energy, and a release of tension with energy expansion connecting to spirit. The "volcanic orgasm" is purely physical, centered in the genitals with quick buildup and release. The second type releases tension throughout the body, creating deeper relaxation. The third type combines physical release with spiritual connection, where orgasmic energy flows beyond bodily boundaries, creating a sense of peaceful connection to everything.
Carrellas expands the definition of orgasm beyond sex to include "emotiongasms" like gigglegasms, angergasms, and crygasms, which share the same physiological ingredients: buildup of life force through breath, movement, sound, and muscular contractions followed by release. She also describes "blissgasms"-small, pleasurable sensations that travel up the spine-sharing a personal experience of having a spontaneous orgasm while walking in Sydney.
She challenges the concept of "inorgasmic women," noting that women who believe they've never had orgasms have typically experienced emotional releases like gigglegasms or crygasms. She observes that people across genders and sexual experiences share a common desire for "something more" in their orgasms. The section includes a sidebar about "braingasms," explaining how people with spinal cord injuries can experience orgasms in different body parts, suggesting that orgasm primarily happens in the brain.
For estrogen-based bodies, the key to orgasm is regular practice-alone. When solo, you can take your time and explore what works. Effective techniques include: relaxing in a bath with water stimulation; exploring your vulva with a mirror to locate sensitive spots; thinking explicitly sexy thoughts without censoring fantasies; breathing while rocking your pelvis rhythmically; using a vibrator; alternating pressure on the clitoris like pressing a doorbell; and adding penetration with a dildo to stimulate the urethral sponge.
For testosterone-based bodies, orgasm and ejaculation are two distinct physical processes-a fact the Taoists knew three thousand years ago. By delaying or withholding ejaculation, people with testosterone-based bodies can experience multiple orgasms and preserve vital energy. To practice ejaculation control, masturbate almost to orgasm while noticing your body's responses. Just before climaxing, try various techniques like stopping stimulation, holding your breath, contracting the PC muscle, or pressing a finger into your perineum.
10장
Partner Tantra: Creating Sacred Connection
Partner sex need not be spontaneous to be passionate. In Tantra, planning and preparation are forms of foreplay that build erotic energy rather than making intimacy seem contrived. Love, desire, and passion can be generated within the ritual itself. A Tantric ritual creates sacred space separate from everyday life, allowing participants to connect more deeply with themselves and raise energy to access higher consciousness.
Tantric lovemaking creates moments of unprecedented closeness with your partner while also honoring times when you each need to focus inward. Even during orgasm, you may experience yourself as pure energy rather than a separate being. Creating a safe, nurturing space supports this intense journey. Think like a set designer when preparing your "Theatre of Sexual and Spiritual Delights." Start by cleaning and decluttering your space, as disorder creates psychic disturbance. Place cushions on the floor rather than using a bed-it's better for staying present and awake. Purify the space energetically by smudging with sage, then decorate with sensuous fabrics, flowers, and objects that enhance the mood.
Creating a transition between everyday life and erotic experience is essential before connecting with your partner(s). Begin by emptying yourself of physical, mental, and psychic accumulations from daily life. Relax your body, calm your mind, and reconnect with your spirit-love yourself before making love. Take a bath or shower, or burn sage in a metal bowl to cleanse your psychic body and auric field. Clear emotional gunk by screaming underwater or into a pillow, throwing karate chops at anything you're angry about, or doing abbreviated versions of the Exhilaration or Cathartic Meditation.
After preparing yourself to meet your similarly prepared partner, it's time to warm up together and ignite your erotic energy. Start with a Grounding Hug-stand with feet hip-width apart, knees slightly bent, and embrace your partner with one hand on their lower back and one on their upper/middle back. Breathe your belly into theirs while imagining you're rooting them into the earth, then switch roles.
In these next chapters, you'll learn traditional Tantric lovemaking positions and variations to personalize your ritual. Begin with the traditional form before exploring variations to understand the original intent while finding what works best for you. Tantric positions allow you to build, share, and circulate two distinct energies: genital/sexual/lower chakra energy and heart/spiritual/upper chakra energy. During lovemaking, keep both fires burning-without genital heat, you'll miss passion; without heart heat, you'll miss the Divine presence.
11장
Sex Magic: Transforming Sexual Energy into Healing Power
The final section of the book introduces sex magic as the next evolution in tantric practice. Carrellas explains how the possibilities of sex and sexual expression are infinite, and that practicing Tantra significantly expands one's concept of what sex is and what can be done with it. She first discovered Tantra and sex magic during the AIDS crisis when seeking practical and spiritual tools to cope with illness and death of friends. Initially using sex magic primarily for healing, she has since expanded this definition to include personal, social, and political healing.
Carrellas defines magic as the art of transformation, noting that by this definition, the entire book has been about sex magic. Sex magic is presented as logical and often predictable, comparable to technology-both "wired" (mind/body connection) and "wireless" (energy connections between people). Sex magic can be as simple as masturbating to relax or as complex as sending an orgasm as a prayer for world peace. The practice shares similarities with prayer, with intentions including connecting with higher power, sending healing energy, and influencing outcomes.
What makes sex magic uniquely powerful is the enormous energy released during sexual excitement, producing a trancelike state of heightened receptivity where visions and words become powerfully imprinted on consciousness. She references a New York Times article reporting scientific evidence that positive experiences boost the immune system for up to two days, while negative events suppress it for just one day-proving that pleasure is more powerful than pain. Despite this, pleasure is rarely mentioned as a healing tool.
Sexual energy releases endorphins powerful enough to transform pain into euphoria. By using circular breathing, visualization, and PC squeezes, you can circulate sexual energy throughout your body to transcend fear and pain. This technique works remarkably well during medical procedures-moving energy from genitals to heart while maintaining stillness in areas being treated.
For those experiencing gender dysphoria, working with "energy genitals" can help integrate body and identity. Energy genitals are sensations of having genitals in a different shape or configuration than one's physical body. Through breath work and focused intention, one can empower these energy genitals by breathing into the first chakra and imagining energy flowing into them.
Tantric rituals can become healing rituals when performed on behalf of others. By dedicating orgasmic energy to causes like ending apartheid in South Africa, we maintain awareness of issues needing healing and take concrete actions beyond sexual prayer. We each possess unlimited sexual energy-enough for intimate relationships, personal wellbeing, and planetary healing.
Sexual arousal is a common reaction to death because our bodies need emotional release and connection. Orgasm, often called "the little death," and actual death share profound connections-both involve complete surrender. As Ram Dass describes preparing for death as "ripening into God," the experience mirrors orgasm: disappearing into the moment, recognizing interconnectedness, and becoming free from ego. Conscious use of orgasm can alleviate fear of death.
Urban Tantra ultimately offers a path to experiencing life more fully through conscious sexuality. By bringing awareness to our breath, touch, and energy, we discover that ecstasy isn't just possible-it's our birthright. Whether practiced alone or with partners, in traditional ways or with modern adaptations, Tantra provides tools for transforming ordinary pleasure into extraordinary bliss and connecting our sexual experiences to our spiritual nature. The revolution Carrellas envisioned has indeed taken hold, creating a more sexually satisfied, ecstatic, enlightened, and inclusive world.
