1장
When Falling Becomes Flying: The Paradox of Finding Joy
Have you ever noticed how the most profound truths often appear contradictory? A few years ago, during a church meeting, a visiting speaker confidently declared that Jesus loved himself. Yet searching through scripture reveals something striking-while countless passages speak of Christ's love for his Father and for humanity, there's a conspicuous absence of any reference to his self-love. This stands in stark contrast to our modern preoccupation with self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. What if the path to true happiness isn't found in lifting ourselves up but in allowing ourselves to fall? What if the gospel's most profound paradox is that joy comes not from feeling good about ourselves but from breaking open our hearts in humility? This counterintuitive wisdom lies at the heart of James L. Ferrell's transformative exploration of faith, happiness, and the divine paradox that governs our spiritual journey.
2장
The Paradox That Lifts: Discovering Joy Through Surrender
Jeff Watson sat alone in his darkened office, his soul as shadowed as the room around him. His wife had taken their children to her parents' for the weekend-a temporary arrangement that foreshadowed a permanent separation. Their conversation about divorce had progressed to preliminary planning, with the heartbreaking decision to let their children choose which parent they'd live with.
When Jeff confided in me, his pain was overwhelming. Between sobs, he revealed years of secret struggle-living hypocritically, growing bitter while outwardly professing forgiveness. He feared rumors, losing his church calling, career damage, and most devastatingly, harming his children. His sorrow eventually turned to anger-at his wife, his situation, even God.
This experience led me to question my understanding of happiness. What I've learned since has been surprising: when unhappy, almost all our intuitions about finding happiness lead us astray. The promising path is routinely the one we'd never consider because it seems absurdly wrong.
Jesus taught this paradox when he said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." But then he revealed that our burdens are lifted only as we take on an additional burden-his yoke. This weight is different from all others: a weight that lifts, a burden that is light.
Unlike logical contradictions, divine paradoxes only seem contradictory while expressing profound truth. We resist them because they feel unnatural. Sports offer helpful analogies: we build muscles by breaking them down; successful rebounders move away from the basket first; cyclists build speed by riding slowly; golfers hit harder by swinging easier. In each case, doing what feels natural produces the wrong result.
The scriptures abound with paradoxical teachings. Jesus said, "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Paul declared, "When I am weak, then am I strong." The gospel itself is paradoxical: God became man; mankind fell to become exalted; Jesus died so we might live.
The path to happiness requires embracing what feels unnatural to our natural selves-submitting to rather than resisting the paradox. This act of faith leads us to the divine paradox governing our ability to receive the fruit that fills our souls with "exceedingly great joy."
3장
The Tree of Life: Falling Down to Rise Up
In Lehi's remarkable vision, he describes five distinct groups of people, each differing from the previous in one crucial way-differences that determine whether they find stagnation or overwhelming joy. This vision serves as a profound metaphor for the various paths people choose in their spiritual journey.
The first group, positioned in the "great and spacious building," represents those who have chosen pride over humility. These individuals, elevated in their self-importance, spend their energy ridiculing and mocking those seeking spiritual fulfillment. Their lofty position, ironically, becomes their greatest weakness. They stand as a warning of how intellectual pride and worldly success can blind us to deeper spiritual truths.
The second group, described as "numberless concourses" wandering in a large field, represents the spiritually indifferent. Neither actively opposing righteousness nor pursuing it, they exist in a state of spiritual lethargy. Like many in today's world, they drift through life without clear purpose or direction, missing opportunities for growth and transformation.
From this emerges a third group-those "pressing forward" toward the path to the tree of life. These individuals show initial commitment but falter when confronted with "an exceedingly great mist of darkness," representing life's trials, temptations, and moments of doubt. Their story illustrates how good intentions alone, without sustained effort and guidance, often prove insufficient.
The fourth group demonstrates greater determination, not only finding the path but "catching hold of" and "clinging to" the iron rod-representing God's word. They persist through darkness until reaching the tree and tasting its fruit. However, their eventual downfall comes from caring more about others' opinions than their own spiritual experience. When faced with mockery, they "cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed," ultimately abandoning their hard-won position at the tree.
The fifth and final group reveals the profound paradox of spiritual achievement. Like the fourth group, they press forward holding fast to the rod of iron, but upon reaching the tree, they "fell down and partook of the fruit." This act of falling down-this deliberate embrace of humility-proves to be their salvation. Unlike their predecessors, they remain unmoved by ridicule, having found something far more valuable than social approval.
The vision teaches that spiritual progress often inverts our normal understanding of success. Those who reached up in pride ultimately fell, while those who willingly fell in humility were lifted up. Even the great and spacious building, despite standing "high above the earth," meets a catastrophic end, its fall being "exceedingly great." This powerful imagery illustrates how worldly prominence, when built on pride, contains the seeds of its own destruction.
4장
The Illusion of Up: When Positive Thinking Fails Us
In Alma's account of Korihor, we find a fascinating exploration of the perils of thinking happiness depends on feeling "up" or good about oneself. Korihor, an anti-Christ, preached against prophecies of Christ's coming, urging people to reject what he called their "foolish" beliefs that were binding them "down." Instead, he encouraged them to "lift up their heads" and "look up with boldness."
Korihor's philosophy was essentially that happiness comes from escaping anything that makes one feel bad about oneself. "Free yourself!" he urged. "You're great! Being down is just a downer. Look up with boldness!" He called the need to look to another for remission of sins the effect of a "frenzied" and "deranged" mind.
Yet ironically, this great believer in the happiness of "up" was ultimately "trodden down" until death. The scripture concludes, "the devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily drag them down to hell."
Even more ironically, the Zoramites who killed Korihor were those who most followed his philosophy. They built a high stand called "Rameumptom" in their synagogues where they would take turns thanking God that they were better than others, elected to be saved while others were "elected to be cast by thy wrath down to hell." Though they felt very good about themselves-positive, confident, and favored of God-the Lord makes clear that this way of feeling "up" is actually a spiritual downer.
Alma taught that feeling "down" can be a blessing when it leads to humility before the Lord. He explained to the poor Zoramites, cast out of synagogues due to their poverty, that being "lowly in heart" is blessed because it can lead to repentance and mercy. This isn't self-loathing but rather a divine discontent that beckons us toward Christ.
When we're "down before the Lord" rather than just "down on ourselves," we recognize our insufficiency but also God's redeeming love, filling us with gratitude rather than despair. Both prideful "up-ness" and hopeless "down-ness" rely on the arm of flesh; true happiness comes from being down before Christ, like those in Lehi's dream who fell down before the tree.
5장
The Divine Gift of Guilt: Awakening to Our Need
James makes an astonishing statement that whoever breaks one part of the law is guilty of breaking all of it. Through powerful analogies of sinking boats with holes and the constant speed of light, we can understand that no matter our relative spiritual "performance," we all remain infinitely separated from God. This truth exposes two merciful insights: first, it removes any basis for thinking ourselves better than others; second, it prevents us from becoming depressed about being "worse" than others.
Guilt is actually a gift that forces us to see our complete dependence on the Savior. Our personal need for Christ is not affected by what others have or haven't done-we need the Savior in exactly the same degree as everyone else, which is to say, infinitely.
Our separation from God creates two fundamental problems. First, like lawbreakers facing a judge, we've violated divine law and require justification. Second, and more critically, we have impure hearts that desire unholy things. God cannot waive the consequences of law without rendering it meaningless. Laws and commandments are necessary for sanctification because we can only overcome sinful desires by having the choice to sin or not sin.
Redemption is the process through which the Lord purifies our souls so we "have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually." The Savior will change and lift only what we ask to be changed, requiring us to see every weakness and fault so we can offer it as a sacrifice with a broken heart.
Modern commandments require deeper inward obedience than the law of Moses. These celestial laws not only expose our sins but our unholiness, causing us to seek Christ for both forgiveness and sanctification. Using Lehi's dream as illustration, two absolutes emerge: everyone who failed to cling to the rod failed to reach the tree, and everyone who fell down to partake of the fruit stayed at the tree. Clinging to the rod with exactness doesn't mean perfect obedience, but rather recognizing our guilt through the standard it provides.
6장
The Hidden Pride in Self-Condemnation
While commandments function as "pride busters" in our spiritual journey, a more subtle form of pride often disguises itself as humility. When we encounter our failures and respond with excessive self-condemnation or despair rather than genuine repentance, we're actually exhibiting a sophisticated form of pride. The story of Martha, who was "cumbered about much serving" while Mary sat at Jesus' feet, perfectly illustrates this dynamic. Martha's frantically busy service, though appearing righteous, revealed underlying personal needs driven by pride - the need to be seen, validated, and praised for her efforts.
This pride manifests in two directions: feeling superior to others or feeling hopelessly inferior. Both states, though seemingly opposite, share the same root - an excessive self-focus that places oneself rather than Christ at the center of spiritual life. Whether we're comparing ourselves favorably or unfavorably to others, we're still comparing, still making it about us. The gospel is specifically designed to strip away both varieties of pride, replacing them with the simple, liberating realization that "I am in need of Him" - a truth that makes us all equally dependent on the same merciful Savior.
During a seemingly ordinary plane ride, I experienced a profound spiritual awakening that illustrated this principle. After watching what appeared to be an unremarkable movie about an elderly woman's life journey, I felt unexpectedly compelled to evaluate my own spiritual condition. With tears flowing, I wrote pages of insights that revealed how my outward gospel compliance had actually blinded me to inner spiritual decay. I had been "specializing in living the gospel outwardly" while neglecting the "deeper gospel" of the heart. This painful self-realization, though initially devastating, became a precious gift as the Spirit filled me with warmth and reassurance of God's encompassing love.
While our natural inclination is to focus on forgiveness as the primary gift of the gospel, repentance is actually the greater blessing - offering not just justification but true sanctification. This is why baptism itself is linked in scripture not primarily to forgiveness but to repentance, putting our sinful nature into remission. The rod of iron serves as a progressive guide, first teaching us outward laws and compliance, then leading us to deeper interior terrain where genuine holiness takes root. What initially appears as a burden gradually transforms into a delight, as beautifully demonstrated by Brother Ono, whose deep spiritual transformation was evident as he passed the sacrament with tears of joy streaming down his face, having discovered the profound joy that comes from true repentance and submission to God.
This journey from outward observance to inner transformation requires us to recognize and release both our obvious pride and its subtler manifestations in self-condemnation. True humility lies not in thinking less of ourselves but in thinking of ourselves less, focusing instead on Christ's enabling power and infinite grace.
7장
The Subtle Signs of Spiritual Pride
One sign of "up-ness" that impedes spiritual growth is shallow gospel focus that blinds us to our own sins. I once quizzed my young son on multiplication, where despite being mathematically correct, I missed the deeper relational "spiritual arithmetic." When Jesus appeared to the Nephites, he chastised all parties in a baptism dispute regardless of who was doctrinally correct, teaching that discipleship transcends getting gospel details right.
Mormon taught that gifts or prayers offered grudgingly profit nothing-our intentions matter deeply. When truly humble, we don't need to track our good deeds-"let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth." As G.K. Chesterton noted, life expands when self diminishes. Up-ness keeps us focused on shallow gospel aspects where we can feel superior, while the deeper gospel of the heart never allows such comparison.
I once experienced a highway breakdown where teenagers with mohawks and chains helped me when stranded. I reflected on my hypocrisy-judging these young people by appearance while they demonstrated true Christian service I had never performed myself. At a later fireside, a woman asked if her lesbian sister should be allowed at a family reunion, revealing what I call "the myth of socially acceptable and unacceptable sins." One stake president placed ashtrays at church entrances, declaring everyone welcome regardless of their struggles.
The gospel leaves no room for superiority. Jesus dining with "sinners" taught that we all need the physician equally. When we shun others for their particular struggles, we live the wicked lie that our sins are more acceptable than others'.
Another form of exceptionalism is superiority assumed as a fact of nature rather than through choices or associations. Jesus consistently attacked this idea. The Lord's work is to "pull down the mountains within us and fill in the valleys," making us equal before Him.
8장
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
As a child, I played basketball with my neighbors Mark and Dave Bean. One day while playing a game with a wooden top, I accidentally launched it skyward, losing it. The Bean boys threatened me, leading to over a year of estrangement until my mother found the top in our garden. This childhood grudge serves as a metaphor for how adults hold onto resentments despite evidence that should reconcile them.
Christ responded to suffering with love rather than resentment. I once took offense at something my wife said, withdrawing my love and waiting for an apology that never came. This revealed how I misunderstood forgiveness, treating it as a favor dispensed upon contrition rather than recognizing that withholding love is itself a sin requiring repentance.
True forgiveness is actually a form of repentance-repenting of our failure to love. The Lord's Prayer specifically conditions our receiving forgiveness on our willingness to forgive others: "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." Pride keeps us waiting for others to earn our companionship, while Christ invites us to join him despite our unworthiness.
"Forgiving oneself" is a misguided concept. When we feel we need self-forgiveness, we're facing two possibilities: either our injured self speaks truth and we need self-forgiveness, or we need to repent of the self-concept making self-forgiveness seem necessary. Nephi's lament in 2 Nephi 4 demonstrates the proper approach-turning to the Lord rather than seeking self-forgiveness.
Forgiveness is God's to give, not ours. Jesus's interaction with the woman taken in adultery demonstrates this-when Jesus said "Neither do I condemn thee," she was released from any need to forgive herself, as the Eternal Judge himself didn't condemn her.
9장
Living the Confessional Life
Scriptural figures openly confessed their weaknesses, providing powerful examples of authentic spiritual vulnerability. The father who sought healing for his son from Jesus honestly admitted "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief," acknowledging the complex reality of faith mixed with doubt. The Lamanite king Anti-Nephi-Lehi courageously acknowledged his people's violent past, demonstrating how confession can lead to profound transformation. The Apostle Paul, despite his remarkable spiritual experiences and contributions, consistently wrote of his own struggles and called himself "the least of the apostles" and "chief" among sinners. Rather than diminishing these figures, their honesty makes us admire them more and creates a bridge of relatability across centuries.
Modern examples of confession demonstrate its transformative power. In church settings, individuals openly struggling with faith questions create spaces where others feel safe to voice their own doubts. Addiction recovery meetings showcase how shared vulnerability builds community and healing. Even in formal disciplinary proceedings, people who honestly acknowledge their sins while expressing love for the Savior often experience profound spiritual awakening. The Spirit manifests powerfully in such moments of confession, creating an atmosphere of healing and divine presence.
In the gospel context, confession means abandoning the pretense of innocence altogether - a complete surrender of our carefully constructed facades. True gospel confession isn't what makes us guilty-it's what makes us honest and sets us on the path to authentic discipleship. James counsels to "confess your faults one to another," suggesting we should live in a "confessing way" by freely apologizing, taking responsibility for our actions, and humbly sharing our shortcomings when appropriate. This creates a culture of authenticity where real growth can occur.
Some outsiders view Mormons as "too perfect," a perception stemming from members perpetuating a "charade of innocence" that can create barriers to genuine connection and growth. Historical records show even the Twelve Apostles met "confessing their individual weaknesses and shortcomings," receiving the Lord's guidance only after honest confession and sincere repentance. Teaching in a confessing way means sharing what we've learned through our own struggles and repentant journeys rather than positioning ourselves as flawless experts. This approach creates more meaningful connections and allows for more effective ministry.
True repentance requires both confession and forsaking sin; neither alone is sufficient for complete spiritual transformation. Confession directly confronts "the mother of all sins"-pride-by requiring us to acknowledge our dependence on God's grace and our own imperfection. Though confession seems unbearable when viewed through pride's lens, it becomes surprisingly liberating once undertaken, opening the door to genuine peace and spiritual progress. The act of confession breaks down walls of isolation and creates pathways for authentic connection with both God and fellow believers.
10장
The Transformative Power of Divine Rebuke
God's correction is like a basketball coach who pushes his players because he believes in their potential. "Happy is the man whom God correcteth," the scriptures tell us, for "whom the Lord loveth he correcteth." Divine rebuke comes from love and desire for our eternal happiness.
Many revered scriptural figures struggled with personal challenges: Enoch lamented his lack of talent, Moses felt inadequate because of his "slow tongue," Peter wept after denying Jesus, Paul was burdened by an unnamed challenge, and Joseph Smith lamented falling into "many foolish errors." The Lord doesn't rush to rescue us from these struggles because faith is forged when one's back is against the wall.
When we approach the divine, we're overwhelmed both by God's love and our own weakness. As one friend says, "God doesn't love us because we are good, he loves us because he is good."
Years ago I dreamed that my father and I were in an elevator ascending to an unknown destination. When the doors opened, I was overcome by the presence of an incredible being radiating light and love. I rushed to embrace him, realizing this must be my Savior. Yet even in his arms, I doubted whether it was truly him. I awoke haunted by the question: Why hadn't I known for sure?
The dream was both divine love and scathing rebuke-I hadn't fallen at his feet! My audacity to simply run to his arms revealed I didn't truly understand who he was. The gospel hadn't yet penetrated my soul. Christ is himself the path, the rod, the Tree of Life, and the fruit of God's love. When we insist on reaching up, our souls will never be lifted. But when we fall humbly before him, we will never be down. Happiness, like heaven, may seem above us, but we find both by falling.
