1장
When Crisis Strikes: Finding Strength in Your Darkest Hour
Rachel Hollis had just begun editing her new book when her sixteen-year marriage collapsed between one breath and the next. What started as a guide for navigating life's unexpected challenges suddenly became her real-time journey through her own personal catastrophe. This raw, unflinching memoir has resonated with millions seeking guidance through their own crises, earning it a spot on The New York Times bestseller list for 12 consecutive weeks. Celebrities like Reese Witherspoon and Jenna Bush Hager have praised its authenticity, with Witherspoon noting, "Hollis gives us permission to feel our pain while refusing to be defined by it." The book's impact extends beyond celebrity endorsements-it's become a lifeline for readers navigating pandemic losses, relationship endings, and career upheavals, offering both compassion and practical strategies for moving forward when life falls apart.
2장
Embracing the Raw Truth of Your Pain
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge what in the actual world just happened to you? Before rushing into solutions or forcing positivity, we need to call bullshit on your situation.
Society constantly pushes us to maintain composure and keep our feelings at an "acceptable" level, even when our world is burning down. We're expected to respond to others' sympathetic "I'm sorry" with a polite "I'm fine"-when we're anything but fine. This pressure to suppress our authentic reactions only compounds our suffering.
The truth is, pretending you don't have negative feelings is like trying to cover hideous bathroom paint without proper preparation-the ugly emotions will inevitably bubble through your facade. If you want to move forward, you must first be honest about what's happening, even if only to yourself. Your disappointment, anger, grief-whatever you're feeling-isn't petty or small. It matters because you matter.
When chaos hits-whether it's a global pandemic, divorce, job loss, or death-learning to stay present becomes essential. The suspended reality of crisis is disorienting, but understanding that surviving doesn't mean escaping unscathed helps prepare you for the journey ahead.
Remember that what's been good will always remain good: the scent of coconut sunblock, a child's missing tooth, home-cooked meals, your grandmother's handwriting, kindness from strangers. The awful, beautiful thing about hard seasons is they make us truly appreciate what was always good but perhaps overlooked.
You must decide right now that while hardship will beat you up, you will not lose yourself in grief. When humans go through something hard, they emerge either better or worse-nobody walks through fire unscathed. You either burn to ashes or get forged into something stronger. This transformation will be a fight, but coming out stronger is absolutely possible if you're willing to do the work.
3장
Reclaiming Your Identity After Loss
One of the hardest aspects of life-changing experiences is emerging as someone completely different while your mind still processes events as who you were, not who you've become. Beyond dealing with emotional upheaval, you now face an identity crisis most people don't even recognize as such.
There are four different types of identity crises related to loss, pain, and grief:
First, there's the identity that was taken from you-like Navy SEAL wives who ask "Who am I now?" after losing their husbands, or athletes with career-ending injuries. Remember that you're still his wife, still her mama, still an incredible athlete-the role you earned wasn't erased by circumstance.
Second, there's the identity you want but is denied to you-like calling your shot in basketball only to have it bounce off the rim. The key here is to focus on your destination while remaining open to different routes to get there.
Third, there's the identity you chose but no longer want-like wearing a uniform that no longer fits. This often manifests as anxiety from years of people-pleasing. Remember that all great players continually evolve-when someone says "You've changed," your response should be "Thank you, I'm working at it!"
Finally, there's the identity someone else chose for you-like becoming a basketball player because it was your father's dream. This happened to me when readers began approaching me everywhere with their trauma stories, dissolving my boundaries until I became agoraphobic, afraid to leave my house.
Your identity belongs to you alone. You are more than your trauma-you might have cancer, but you're more than a cancer patient. No one gets to define you but you. This understanding becomes your first step toward healing.
4장
Breaking Free from the Question Trap
When suffering through pain or loss, we experience a range of emotions-anxiety, fear, depression, rage, and more. While the Kubler-Ross grief cycle describes common emotional stages, my suffering followed a different track: endless questions I had no answers for, questions that only created more questions and increased my anxiety.
I think of these suffering questions as The Five W's:
WHO - After loss, we obsess over the person's absence, viewing everything through that lens. While missing loved ones is normal, letting their absence affect everything else can cause you to miss the life that's still here. The person you lost would want you to experience bittersweet memories, not be anchored to grief. When hurt by others, we obsess over the perpetrator, trying to protect ourselves from future pain, but this erodes our ownership of life. You're defined not by their pain but by what you turn that pain into.
WHAT - Obsessing over exactly what happened creates a recurring loop of details, asking "What did I miss? What signs were there?" These questions have no answers and only cause more depression about what was lost.
WHEN - Asking "When will this pain stop?" is really asking "When will life go back to normal?" The truth is, your life will never be the same because you won't be the same. Clinging to your past keeps you from finding strength in your present.
WHERE - This involves anxious thoughts about your future location and circumstances. During crisis, focus only on your present-even just the next hour if needed. Only when you gain strength in the present can you dream about the future.
WHY - Everyone asks "Why did this happen to me?" But knowing wouldn't make you feel better-it might make you feel worse, like you deserved it. What happened wasn't because of something you did wrong. Life isn't fair, and you'll never find the answer to "why," so stop looking.
HOW - Unlike the other questions, "how" has an answer-how you start to move forward, how you heal, how to identify positive aspects of your pain. But healing is a solo mission-you'll need help, but the path is yours to choose.
5장
Releasing the Weight of Guilt
What if you're the one who broke everything? What if your guilt is your biggest form of suffering because the shame of your actions is eating you alive?
Whether you cheated, lied, used someone, or abandoned them-if you feel guilt now, it means you're trying. You may never receive forgiveness from those you hurt, but you can work to forgive yourself. No amount of self-flagellation will rewind the past. All we can do is try to make things right and understand why we caused pain so we never repeat it. Hatred never heals-only love can do that. You must love yourself enough to seek help, forgive yourself, and believe you can be better next time.
You also need to love yourself enough to walk away from anyone who weaponizes your guilt. Years ago, I worked with a married couple where the wife had cheated. Despite years of therapy, counseling, and personal growth work, her husband couldn't truly forgive her. He stayed inside his deep pain because, consciously or not, his hurt was how he punished her. If he remained wounded and she was the cause, he could hold it over her head forever.
If you've sincerely apologized and worked to change, but someone continues to hold your actions over your head years later-that's not forgiveness, that's manipulation. You shouldn't carry that pain forever, and anyone who truly forgives wouldn't want that for you.
Guilt can also come from others' expectations-like the widower who wants to date but feels guilty because his children are angry, or the college student who finally admits who she really is only to face "concerned" family members' recriminations.
I don't read comments, but they find their way to me through anxious friends and family who think strangers should have a say in my life. I will not hold space for others' expectations, recriminations, or judgments. I fought with every ounce of my energy to make my marriage work-therapy, conferences, books, prayer, communication. I tried fixing it, carrying it, covering up how exhausting it was. Then one day, I just couldn't anymore.
I made the choice I never thought I'd make. I chose to hurt my children and disappoint our family and community-and I don't feel one ounce of guilt. I feel pain, loss, hurt, and anger, but no guilt. Guilt implies I've done something wrong, but I know I've made the only decision possible for us to emerge whole and healthier. I'd rather my children experience pain now than grow up believing our unhealthy relationship was something to emulate.
I am willing to be the villain in someone else's story if it means I can be the hero of my own. I cannot hurt myself to spare other people discomfort, and I refuse to feel guilty for being unwilling to do so.
6장
Transforming Your Perspective
How many things have you believed with total conviction that you now know are false? As children, we believe all sorts of misconceptions-from how babies are made to thinking swallowing watermelon seeds will grow melons in your belly. These weren't ridiculous at the time-they were your reality, shaped not by facts but by your perspective.
Your perspective on any subject isn't necessarily based on truth, but almost entirely on past experiences. The crucial thing to understand is that your present self is strong enough to control beliefs formed by your past. You are in control of your perspective! This won't just change how you view grief or pain, but is key to a happier, more centered life regardless of your season.
The definition of perspective includes both "a particular attitude toward something" and "the art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position." Our feelings about dogs, money, or relationships are based on collections of past experiences. We don't consciously decide these feelings-our subconscious quickly computes whether a situation is good or bad based on past experiences, and our nervous system responds accordingly.
If you were bitten by a dog as a child, thirty-two years later you might still cross the street to avoid dogs, your heart racing when one surprises you. Nothing is actually happening to make you unsafe, but your perspective was written long ago and your body is conditioned to respond this way unless you change it.
There's immense power in understanding that you're subconsciously coloring reality through the lens of past experiences. If you can perceive something as entirely negative, you also have the power to see positives in every situation. If you're conditioned to see loss and pain as reasons to quit, become bitter or withdraw, your perspective needs repositioning toward rebirth, renewal, and new paths. That shift gives you hope.
Your ability to control your perspective, to take a negative and find meaning inside it-that's a superpower that can never be defeated.
7장
Embracing a Growth Mindset
While perspective is how you SEE the world, mindset is what you THINK about what you see. I like to think of mindset as unformed clay that you can shape into anything you want.
Carol Dweck's essential book "Mindset" explains that we all have one of two mindsets. A fixed mindset believes talents, skills, knowledge and abilities are unchangeable. A growth mindset believes you can develop new talents, learn skills, and gain knowledge throughout life. Fixed mindset people have perspectives shaped by their past, and crucially, they don't believe they can become different or better. When they see others grow or achieve in ways they can't, they believe those people are "just wired differently."
My husband believed he could only do what he was naturally capable of doing, limited by what was already inside him. I've always believed I could do anything with enough effort. Ironically, we had wildly different childhoods. My upbringing reinforced how few resources and support I had, yet something about what I DIDN'T have made me view the world as a puzzle to solve. I concluded early that the only thing between me and my desires was knowledge I didn't yet possess, and that hard work and study could help me learn anything better.
Your mindset is clay you can shape into anything-a vase, mug, bowl or puffin. As long as you add ideas, experiences, challenges, talents and skills, you can forever alter how you think about what you see. That's growth mindset-forever becoming.
A fixed mindset is like clay left untouched. It doesn't require purposeful "firing" in a kiln-simply neglect it, and it hardens on its own. People with fixed mindsets don't consciously choose this; their programming makes them believe there's no other option.
Why discuss this in the context of pain? Because facing difficult seasons with a fixed mindset is unimaginably awful-adding the weight of hopelessness before you even try to find your way out.
You CAN get through this. There IS hope. You won't always feel like you do today. No matter what you're experiencing, someone has walked that road before you and left clues about navigating the path. If you believe healing lessons exist and you look for them, you'll find them. If you don't believe they exist, you'll never look or discover them, making healing much harder.
8장
Finding Courage When You're Afraid
I'm afraid of a surprising number of things. Not the big things-I've moved away from home and started a new life twice, quit my job to start my own company, written books when nobody read them, given birth three times, and fought through years of adoption process. With big things, I seem to have endless courage. But little stuff? I'm actually kind of a weenie.
I fear skiing, snowboarding, water skiing-basically anything involving moving faster than humans were meant to go while riding on blades. I hate public restrooms for fear someone will walk in on me. Snakes are abhorrent. Big Foot terrifies me. Aliens? I just threw up in my mouth. I refuse to glance at mirrors in the dark because of childhood Bloody Mary fears.
I'm afraid of many things, some not even real. Remember this list because we need to understand that having courage isn't being fearless. As Franklin D. Roosevelt said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear."
For my trivial fears, I never seek to override them because they're inconsequential. But sometimes fear becomes crippling-usually from remembered pain. We fear loving again because we might get hurt again. We fear putting ourselves out there after rejection. The pain isn't just in our past; it controls our present actions and future possibilities. When facing difficult times or major life changes, moving forward requires courage-deciding something is more important than your fear.
You must DECIDE there's something greater at stake than your fear. Not realize it over time-actively choose to move forward in faith, not fear. And you'll need to choose again and again, especially on hard days.
You'll never find courage to push past fear if it isn't absolutely necessary. Change is hard, and courage requires working against something scary. Facing fear during grief isn't easy, so if you don't have to and nothing feels more important, you'll stay exactly as you are. But only with courage will you see all your life can be, even after loss.
9장
Showing Up When Everything Falls Apart
When my brother committed suicide at 14, it destroyed our family. My parents gave up that day-not on life, but on me. I was fourteen and had just found my brother after he put a handgun to his temple. And my parents never parented me again. I've had more conversations with my eleven-year-old about Fortnite than either parent has had with me about what I saw that day or my grief in the twenty-three years since.
The holidays after his death were searing, but what hurt worse was the growing parental apathy. By my seventeenth year-the fourth Christmas without my brother-my parents were divorcing and neither celebrated with us. My sister and I huddled in her apartment watching A Christmas Story on loop, a tradition we maintain twenty years later.
My oldest will soon be fourteen, and I cannot fathom leaving a child his age to fend for himself. Your kids are never old enough to watch you break down or process your pain with them. Call your therapist or friend, but don't ask your kids to carry you through hard seasons. You owe it to your people, your team, your partner, your children, and yourself to show up, even when it's hard.
The show must go on-a reality I felt keenly as a business owner during COVID-19, paying rent for an empty office. Financial insecurity can make any crisis exponentially worse, which is why getting your finances right is crucial. You need complete honesty about your financial situation-no guessing or estimating. See things as they truly are, then make decisive cuts to unnecessary expenses. During economic downturns, I've had to pivot my business entirely, working jobs I disliked to keep my team employed.
There's no shame in working multiple jobs or side hustles that don't require startup costs. What's truly shameful is drowning financially while pretending everything is fine. Remember: financial skills can be learned, understand your financial perspective from childhood, and seek guidance from experts if you're struggling.
10장
Building Resilience Through Hardship
The first time I gave birth it decimated me. My body felt like a wet cloth wrung out by an angry giant. Meeting my son was precious, but the adjustment to parenthood mixed with physical pain made simple tasks impossible. With my second son, I healed faster physically but suffered terrible postpartum depression, feeling like just a food supply and caretaker. My third son was my easiest experience-I knew what to expect and felt like a seasoned pro.
Each birth taught me resilience-the ability to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. By intentionally moving through hardships, I gained strength for what came next. This resilience prepared me for the emotional turmoil of adopting my daughter, Noah. Adoption is both beautiful and awful, requiring another woman to make the brave choice to give up her baby.
I've developed a relationship with Noah's birth mother that I couldn't have imagined when we started our adoption journey years earlier. Initially, we wanted a closed international adoption, but years of classes, visiting orphanages, and being foster parents changed our perspective. When we finally connected with Noah's birth mother, I focused on her as a person rather than just the baby.
The hardship of waiting years for our daughter was necessary. It scraped off my outer layer and made me more raw, compassionate, and gentle. True resilience makes you strong but also more tender. You'll be amazed at how it strengthens your soul while opening your heart.
To build resilience: Be honest with yourself about where you are. Look at your scars, not your open wounds. And imagine the antihero-what you don't want to become if you allow bitterness or grief to consume you.
11장
Choosing Joy Even in Darkness
I've always found humor in the darkest times-my family laughs at funerals. This isn't disrespect; it's survival. Only those rarely touched by grief hold it at a distance. Those of us familiar with pain know you can't escape it-you must accept it and find comfort where possible. After attending countless funerals, I learned that fighting for moments of joy during crisis gives strength to endure.
We're capable of holding both joy and sadness simultaneously, like parents who find themselves laughing at their toddler's destructive antics rather than crying. It's a choice-you'll have to endure hardship either way, so why not find something to laugh about? As Robert Frost said, "the only way out is through."
When life gets hard, we often make terrible decisions about food, alcohol, or other negative coping mechanisms. This isn't just about comfort-there's science behind why we struggle. Our brain functions differently under stress, with the rational "human brain" being hijacked by the more primitive "reptile brain" and "mammal brain." This amygdala hijack drains blood from our frontal lobe, impairing decision-making.
This is why ingrained habits are crucial-they're what sustain us during crisis when we can't think clearly. I've spent years teaching about habits because they're not just for good days; they make bad days bearable. In my own divorce during a pandemic, I'm reaching for apples and almonds instead of vodka and fries like I would have eight years ago. I've changed my anchors to make good days great and bad days manageable rather than self-destructive.
12장
Reimagining Your Future with Hope
Purpose becomes our greatest struggle after life gets flipped sideways. When everything changes, what once mattered often doesn't seem important anymore. It's a terrible catch-22: you feel lost because you don't know where you're headed, but choosing a destination feels impossible when you're already so lost.
The truth is we were never in control of life to begin with-we only had a false sense of security. We're only ever in control of ourselves and our actions in the moment, which can be either limiting or full of opportunity depending on how we choose to view it.
To rebuild after crisis, we must make peace with the unknown, consciously decide to rebuild better than before, write down our vision of the new self we want to become, let go of what no longer serves us, and pursue achievable goals that give us purpose. The confidence gained from achieving these goals becomes the foundation for propelling us toward our reimagined future-scarred but beautiful.
I knew something was wrong when I heard a sound like books falling off a shelf the day my brother died. Though my brain tried to rationalize it, instinct drove me to check on him. Finding him in his room, I discovered he had taken his life. In shock, I called 911, repeatedly asking if Ryan would go to hell-a fear rooted in my conservative religious upbringing. Amidst this darkness came a letter from the 911 operator, assuring me Ryan was in heaven. This stranger's kindness gave me hope when I thought I had none.
I refuse to believe we suffer without purpose. My brother lost hope and with it, he lost everything-the chance to marry, have children, celebrate milestones, and live a beautiful life. I urge those struggling to seek help rather than staying stuck.
After my brother-in-law Michael died unexpectedly, my husband reflected on the memorial video shown at his funeral, saying "We still have pictures left to take." Don't waste this precious opportunity to live boldly, courageously, kindly, and authentically-for yourself and for those who can't.
