1장
Breaking Free from the Chains of Approval Addiction
Joyce Meyer's "Approval Addiction" has become a lifeline for millions struggling with insecurity and people-pleasing tendencies. This transformative work, consistently ranking among Amazon's top Christian self-help books, has resonated deeply with readers seeking freedom from the exhausting cycle of seeking others' validation. Celebrities like Oprah Winfrey have praised Meyer's straightforward approach to emotional healing, while mental health professionals frequently recommend it alongside clinical therapy. What makes this book particularly powerful is Meyer's willingness to share her own journey through abuse, insecurity, and eventual freedom-creating a roadmap that feels less like clinical advice and more like walking alongside a friend who's already made it to the other side.
2장
The Epidemic of Insecurity
Insecurity has reached epidemic proportions in our society, stealing joy and damaging relationships at every level. This widespread condition manifests as an abnormal concern about others' opinions, leading sufferers to compromise their values and conscience to regain approval when it's withdrawn. The hallmark of addiction is something that controls us-something we feel we cannot live without or that we use to alleviate pain. For approval addicts, the drug of choice is validation from others.
The foundation for breaking this addiction begins with security-something everyone needs to think and live healthily. When secure, we approve of ourselves and have confidence that doesn't depend on external validation. This security allows us to reach our full potential and fulfill our God-given destiny.
The path to this security starts with understanding who we are in Christ, accepting God's unconditional love, and embracing ourselves despite imperfections. Many people, like Meyer herself, suffer from insecurities even as Christians because they don't see themselves through the lens of Scripture. Instead, they reject themselves and remain ignorant of their identity in Christ.
This journey toward freedom isn't easy, but it's certainly easier than remaining in bondage. Knowledge of your right standing with God leads to deliverance from condemnation, inadequacy, insecurity, and the desperate need for others' approval. Through this understanding, you can become a confident, mature person who walks securely in Christ, needing only His approval rather than constantly seeking validation from those around you.
3장
Confronting Fear: The Gateway to Freedom
Understanding approval addiction requires confronting its foundation: fear. For many, a critical fear is not being pleasing to God. If you've been hurt by impossible-to-please people, you might project this characteristic onto God, believing He operates the same way. He doesn't. Simple, childlike faith pleases Him-He already knows we won't behave perfectly, which is precisely why He sent Jesus.
Many struggle for years trying to please God through perfect behavior while fearing they're failing. No matter what they do right, they see only what's wrong. They never feel good enough and believe God is displeased with them. This is deception-believing something with all your heart that simply isn't true.
What truly pleases God? Two things: faith in Jesus and a heart that desires to please Him. Without faith, it's impossible to please God. When people asked Jesus what works they should do to please God, He replied that believing in Him was the work God required. Our job is to believe, not achieve-that's why we're called believers, not achievers.
Anyone who loves God wants to please Him, and this desire itself pleases Him. God searches for people whose hearts are perfect toward Him-not those with perfect performance, but those with hearts that desire to please Him and feel genuine sorrow over sin. God sees our hearts, not just our actions.
Fear itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The Bible says it will be unto us as we believe-this principle works negatively through fear as well as positively through faith. Fear is simply faith in what Satan says. When we believe Satan's lies, we open the door for him to work in our lives, just as faith in God's Word opens the door for God to work.
God loves us unconditionally and is pleased with us despite our imperfect behavior. He accepts us and actually chose us before the foundation of the world, knowing every mistake we would ever make. Our mistakes have value as messages, interruptions, signposts, tests, awakenings, keys, explorations, and statements about our development. No matter how crumpled or dirty we feel, we never lose our value to God.
4장
Embracing Your True Identity in Christ
One of the greatest cures for approval addiction is understanding who you are in Christ. Though we have no inherent value in ourselves, "in Christ" we partake of everything He deserved and earned as joint-heirs. When we identify with Christ, we share in His death and resurrection spiritually. Like pennies sealed in a jar underwater, we are "in Him"-sharing His experiences through faith rather than direct experience.
We simultaneously exist in two realms-physically on earth while spiritually seated with Christ in heavenly places. Understanding how God sees us through Christ frees us from caring about others' opinions or feeling bad about ourselves. Unlike addiction to substances or people's approval that causes pain when withdrawn, God's approval provides a constant, steady flow of love and acceptance that never runs dry.
Righteousness isn't about perfection but believing Jesus became sin for us, making us right with God. This state is imputed to us by grace, not earned. When we know we're righteous, doing right becomes natural-like an apple tree producing apples. Under the New Covenant, our sins aren't just covered but completely removed, our consciences cleansed by Christ's blood.
To overcome approval addiction, we must become spiritually comfortable. Just as ill-fitting shoes cause pain, trying to be something we're not creates discomfort. God wants us "at ease"-not that life will be easy, but that we can face challenges with inner peace. We should desire to be relaxed about our relationship with God, around people, and about our gifts and calling-free from the torment of fears, insecurities, and the desperate need for others' approval.
We should freely admit our neediness and dependence on God. When we confess our faults openly to both God and people, we experience freedom. Being transparent about weaknesses before others discover them makes both parties less bothered by them. We should invite Jesus into every area, offering Him both strengths and weaknesses, knowing His strength is perfected in our weakness.
Through faith in Jesus Christ, we have a new and living way that gives us freedom, boldness, and confidence. While trying to earn acceptance through perfect behavior ministers death, Jesus offers grace-God's power freely given to help us do easily what we could never accomplish alone. Grace puts the performance burden on God rather than the believer.
5장
Living in Righteousness, Not Perfectionism
When we accept by faith that we are the righteousness of God and receive this truth personally, we begin conforming to what we believe we are. This lifts the burden of insecurity and frees us from being ruled by others' opinions. Righteousness means being made right with God and consistently conforming to His will in thought, word, and deed-a continuous process where the Holy Spirit helps us become what God intends.
What you believe about yourself determines your behavior. If you believe you need others' approval to be happy, you'll never be happy when someone disapproves. God gives us the gift of righteousness so we can become righteous in thought, word, and deed. Our righteousness isn't found in others' opinions but in Christ.
Words are powerful-they can be our salvation or damnation. Many Christians defeat themselves through negative self-talk. Coming from abusive backgrounds, they become approval addicts, letting others rule them and saying what they think people want to hear rather than following their hearts. We need to learn to speak victoriously, saying by faith about ourselves what God says about us in His Word.
Religious teaching sometimes stays in the realm of doctrine without moving into the power, victory, and freedom Jesus died to give us. Many believers pray without understanding they can come "boldly" to the throne of grace, or they pray while filled with guilt and condemnation, making their prayers weak and ineffective. True spirituality means seeing ourselves in Christ-believing that through repentance and accepting Jesus, we've been given His righteousness.
The devil delights in daily reminding us of past mistakes, but God wants us to fellowship with Him, not our problems. It's our fellowship with God that strengthens us to overcome our problems. Meditating on failures weakens us, while meditating on God's grace strengthens us. When we sin, we should admit it, ask forgiveness, and continue our fellowship with God.
Being a Christian doesn't mean doing everything right all the time. We shouldn't compare ourselves to or compete with others, seeking to be like some "Sister Super Christian" who seems to have it all together. Our acceptance isn't found in being like someone else, but in being who we are through faith in Christ. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and none of us will ever be completely perfect in this life.
6장
Transforming Your Self-Image
God wants to help you change your self-image-the picture you carry of yourself inside. Many people don't realize they don't like themselves, yet this internal self-perception causes numerous problems. Insecurity drives people to struggle for position and power, deriving worth from what they do rather than who they are. This creates approval addiction, competitive behavior, and the constant need to be first or best.
Sometimes we believe positions will give us power, when actually they end up controlling us. Meyer once pursued a church position by pleasing those who could vote her in, only to discover they expected continued manipulation. The relationship was phony, and the position didn't provide the security she sought. Her real problem wasn't external but internal-she needed God's unconditional love, not man's approval.
Until we accept ourselves, no amount of external approval will keep us secure. This outside validation becomes an addiction-feeling good temporarily but always requiring more. True freedom comes when we realize we don't need to struggle for what God freely gives: love, acceptance, approval, security, worth and value.
Don't see yourself as a failure just because you've failed at certain things. Nobody excels at everything. Sometimes finding our purpose requires trying different paths through process of elimination. Being fired doesn't make you a failure-it may simply mean that particular role wasn't your calling.
Don't let your past dictate your future! Like the potter in Jeremiah who remade his marred vessel, God offers us a fresh start as new creatures. We make way for the new by believing what God says: "I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you...thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope."
The Bible is filled with examples of people with troubled pasts who became powerful instruments in God's hands. Mary Magdalene was once possessed by seven demons, yet became the first witness to Christ's resurrection. Peter denied Jesus three times yet became a mighty apostle. Paul persecuted Christians before writing much of the New Testament. Their pasts didn't limit their futures, and neither should yours.
Success often comes through perseverance rather than immediate achievement. Abraham Lincoln lost numerous elections before becoming one of America's greatest presidents. Thomas Edison "failed his way to success" with 2,000 unsuccessful experiments before inventing the light bulb. If we stay positive, keep believing, and refuse to quit, God will do something great through each of us.
7장
Cultivating Healthy Self-Love
The Bible teaches we must love our neighbor as ourselves, but if we don't love ourselves, we're incapable of loving others. People who reject themselves live in tremendous emotional pain and often develop an addiction to approval from others. God created us for acceptance, not rejection, and He accepts us through our faith in Christ.
Enjoying life is impossible if we don't enjoy ourselves. For years, Meyer disliked her deep voice that often caused people to mistake her for a man on the phone. Yet ironically, her voice is what God uses most in her media ministry that reaches most of the world daily. God delights in taking what we consider flaws and doing great things with them-His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses.
Fear of pride may keep people trapped in self-abasement. While the Bible warns against having an exaggerated opinion of our importance, we should recognize our God-given strengths without looking down on others. We need to avoid both pride and self-rejection, becoming what Meyer calls an "everything-nothing" person-everything in Christ and nothing without Him.
Scripture instructs us to pursue peaceful relations with God, ourselves, and others. Do you have a critical, fault-finding attitude toward yourself? If so, you're out of God's will. Paul refused to judge himself or let others judge him. Though he remembered his past persecuting Christians, he didn't reject himself for his mistakes.
God's light exposes things we prefer to keep hidden, even from ourselves. When God gets involved in our lives, He reveals things we'd rather not face. Many people hide traumatic experiences, seeing them as something shameful. These secrets have power over us because we fear discovery. But when we share our past, we often find compassion rather than judgment, and our testimony helps others trapped in similar fear.
God once told Meyer to give herself permission to be weak-a difficult concept since she despised weakness. Her mother had been weak, unable to protect her from abuse, and she'd grown to hate weakness in any form. This created tremendous stress as she tried conquering every flaw she saw in herself. But when she finally accepted her weaknesses as God instructed, instead of multiplying, God began strengthening her through them.
To move forward, we must acknowledge our weaknesses and then refuse to be bothered by them. Our imperfections won't stop God unless we allow it. Try wrapping your arms around yourself daily, saying: "I accept myself. I love myself. I know I have weaknesses and imperfections, but I will not be stopped by them."
8장
Breaking the Chains of Approval Addiction
Addiction isn't limited to substances like drugs or alcohol-we can become addicted to almost anything that controls us. An addiction is something people feel they cannot live without or feel compelled to do to relieve discomfort of any kind.
When we base our self-worth on how people treat us or what they think of us, we become addicted to their approval. This false belief causes misery as we spend enormous effort trying to please people, yet one disapproving glance can ruin our sense of self-worth. No matter how hard we work for acceptance, someone will always disapprove of us.
Proverbs 16:7 teaches that when our ways please the Lord, He makes even our enemies be at peace with us. God will give us favor with people if we ask and trust Him. When Meyer began preaching, she felt pressure to do everything right so people would accept her, not yet understanding supernatural favor.
The problem was that everyone expected something different-some thought her conferences too long, others wanted more; some thought the music too loud, others wanted it louder. Any disapproval would make her sick with worry until she learned to trust God rather than trying to earn acceptance.
Anyone who intends to accomplish much in life must accept that not everyone will approve of them. The need to be popular will steal our destiny. Jesus "made Himself of no reputation" (Philippians 2:7), not concerned with public opinion but with His Father's approval. Paul stated that if he sought popularity with people, he couldn't be Christ's servant. We cannot always be God-pleasers and people-pleasers simultaneously.
Approval addicts frequently experience burnout from attempting too much. They desperately want to please others, saying yes not because it's God's will but because they cannot say no. This leads to anger when they feel used up and pulled in every direction.
Normal Christian life requires balanced living within boundaries. Even Jesus rested and walked away from crowds. We must learn to say no without fearing relationship loss. If a relationship ends because you set boundaries, it wasn't a true relationship to begin with.
Insecure people easily become approval addicts, willing to do almost anything for acceptance. Security is our inheritance from God through Jesus-He wants us to feel safe, comfortable, and accepted.
Breaking patterns of people-pleasing takes genuine faith. If you've been controlled and manipulated, change won't be easy. When confronting controlling people, explain that you've wrongly allowed them to have their way due to your insecurity and need for approval. It will be difficult for both parties, but necessary for a healthy relationship.
9장
Healing Emotional Wounds
Emotional pain from abuse, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, disappointment, and criticism is often more devastating than physical pain. While medication can alleviate physical suffering, emotional wounds are harder to treat and frequently hidden due to stigma. Yet Jesus wants to heal us emotionally as well as spiritually-the root cause of approval addiction is usually emotional wounding.
Breaking free requires making right choices while still hurting-difficult but necessary. We must do what's right consistently before seeing results, pressing past our feelings. When someone hurts us and we remain bitter, they continue hurting us through that bitterness. Forgiveness liberates us.
The Bible reminds us that we're not alone in our suffering-our brothers and sisters worldwide experience identical struggles. We all get hurt repeatedly, and we can choose to become bitter or better. Injustices can build strong character when we respond rightly without emotional support.
The promise of reward helps us press past the pain of obedience. Isaiah 61:7-8 promises twofold recompense for shame, and Joel 2:25-26 promises God will restore the years the locust has eaten. God rewards those who earnestly seek Him, requiring diligence whether we feel like obeying or not.
Approval addicts experience intense mental and emotional pain when facing disapproval, often attempting to relieve this pain by doing whatever others want. To break free, they must choose what's right for themselves despite facing rejection. Each time they give in, they strengthen both their own addiction and the controller's power.
You can starve an addiction by not feeding it. Though initially painful, like dieting, the discomfort lessens with each act of resistance. Replace all addictions with one healthy addiction-becoming addicted to Jesus! When temptation feels overwhelming, run to God's Word and promises, which contain inherent power.
The Bible instructs us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things. For approval addicts, this means choosing right thoughts instead of dwelling on rejection. One of the best defenses against wrong thinking is staying busy helping others; we don't have time to think about ourselves when occupied with someone else's needs.
Fear is at the heart of approval addiction-fear of rejection, abandonment, being alone, and others' opinions. But God hasn't given us a spirit of fear, rather power, love and a sound mind. We must "do it afraid"-taking action despite feeling fear. Courage isn't absence of fear but mastery of it.
10장
Overcoming Guilt and Shame
Shame poisons our lives from within. Many internalize shame, constantly asking "What is wrong with me?" Shame confounds and defeats us, essentially dooming us to self-punishment. Meyer warns against "the blame game," noting that blaming others for our unhappiness only prevents us from addressing real issues.
Blaming others for our unhappiness prevents us from dealing with real problems. Meyer quotes Dr. Wayne Dyer: "All blame is a waste of time... You may succeed in making another feel guilty, but you won't succeed in changing whatever is making you unhappy." Through blame, we avoid confronting the infection in our soul that affects our entire outlook.
Depression often accompanies shame-based thinking. While medication might help symptoms, only God's Word can heal shame itself. Meyer emphasizes that applying Scripture means not just reading it but "stepping out on it"-doing what God instructs rather than following feelings or worldly wisdom.
Shame creates a type of reverse self-centeredness where people constantly focus on their flaws. While Scripture teaches self-examination, shame-based individuals become excessive in this practice. Meyer advises readers to "stop looking at everything that is wrong with you, and start looking at what is right with Jesus."
Meyer urges readers to "believe the God of the Bible, not the god of your feelings," identifying feelings as "the believer's number one enemy." Making a right choice when you feel wrong equals starving an addiction. If you don't feed it, it will soon lose its strength and have no power over you.
11장
Breaking Free from Control and Manipulation
Meyer connects anger with approval addiction by explaining that insecure people who are easily offended often have deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. When treated poorly, they become angry because their worst fears about themselves seem confirmed.
When we've been mistreated, forgiveness seems unfair-we want someone to pay for our pain. Meyer reminds readers that God is just and promises to make everything right if we trust Him. She emphasizes that we shouldn't fret over evildoers as they will be dealt with, and remaining angry prevents God from working on our behalf.
Insecure people often perceive mistreatment when none exists. Meyer candidly shares how her own insecurities caused her to feel rejected when her husband simply had different opinions. Minor disagreements became major issues because she was "touchy" and couldn't properly discern genuine mistreatment from honest communication.
Meyer explains that our true battle is with the devil, not people. When we become angry and bitter, we play into Satan's hands, allowing him access to our lives through unforgiveness. The way to overcome evil is by aggressively doing good to everyone, including enemies.
Meyer offers four practical steps to overcome unforgiveness: First, choose to forgive those who hurt you. Second, pray for them as Scripture instructs. Third, bless enemies by speaking well of them and even blessing them practically. Fourth, wait patiently for God to change your feelings.
Meyer distinguishes between pleasing people (which is good) and being a "people-pleaser" (which is unhealthy). While wanting to be pleasing is natural and even godly, people-pleasers compromise their conscience to gain approval, allowing themselves to be controlled and manipulated.
People-pleasers operate from duty rather than desire, doing things out of obligation and struggling to say no. Meyer distinguishes between biblical duties and being unnecessarily duty-bound to people. She warns against actions motivated by fear of others' opinions or need for appreciation.
People-pleasers regularly ignore their own legitimate needs, leading to anxiety, worry, unhappiness, and resentment. Often raised in homes where their needs weren't valued, they focus exclusively on others and may not even recognize their own desires.
12장
Transforming Pain into Purpose
There's no way to get through life without experiencing pain, but it needn't be wasted. God can take difficult and painful experiences and cause them to work for good. Even when we don't understand His purpose, we can trust Him.
Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery out of jealousy, leading to thirteen years of unjust imprisonment. Yet God positioned him to save multitudes during famine-including his own family. His story demonstrates the power of maintaining a good attitude during hardship and choosing forgiveness over bitterness.
God values experience in His kingdom work. Our painful past qualifies us to help others through similar difficulties. Even Jesus "learned obedience through suffering" and became "perfectly equipped" as the source of salvation. Our messes can become our ministries-our painful experiences can make us specialists in overcoming shame, fear, anger, and other struggles.
Romans 12:21 reveals a powerful weapon: "Overcome evil with good." This principle, though available to all, remains largely untapped as Satan keeps us focused on our pain. When we help others despite our suffering, we defeat Satan's plan to destroy us. Reaching outward instead of focusing inward brings healing-God heals us as we minister to others.
If you want approval, give approval to others. Make people feel valued and loved. Be "aggressive in agreement"-verbalize when you agree with someone as it builds their confidence. If you want compliments, give them freely. Every positive thought about someone should be spoken aloud. Our words have tremendous power to heal and encourage, especially for the emotionally wounded.
Many try to help others while wounded themselves-"wounded healers" who hide from their own issues. True healing comes from the Great Physician through spending time with God and studying His Word, which has inherent healing power. God's Word brings light and truth to our lives, helping us understand our own behaviors and reactions.
While God is working in your life, use your pain actively. Don't wait to feel like helping others or for a supernatural sign-just start. God will use you with the people already in your daily life. What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you. Every seed sown into someone else's life represents a harvest in your own, especially in overcoming approval addiction.
13장
Complete in Christ Alone
We often feel something missing in our lives, becoming like those in Jeremiah 2:13 who dig empty wells with no water. Yet Scripture declares we are "complete in Him" (Colossians 2:10). To be complete means to be satisfied, filled up, assured. Most people don't realize Jesus is what they're searching for, so they try filling their emptiness with other things.
Our culture saturates us with advertisements promising fulfillment through products. Anti-wrinkle creams promise acceptance through better looks. Luxury cars promise admiration. Perfumes promise attraction. Diet pills promise avoiding rejection through weight loss. But it's all deception. The world goes deeper into debt trying to purchase what God offers freely: acceptance, love, approval, worth, value, peace, joy, and fulfillment.
Accepting Jesus as Savior is just the beginning. Jesus wants to be everything to us, not just our ticket to heaven. He does nothing halfway and won't be satisfied with one corner of our life-He wants the run of the entire house. As believers, we are His home, and nothing should be off-limits to Him. Everything we need is available through Christ.
Years of emotional imprisonment can result from mistaken identity. Our identity is established by who we choose to identify with. If we identify with people's opinions, we'll end up in trouble; if we identify with Jesus and His opinion of us, we'll avoid identity crises. Jesus knew who He was because He knew where He came from and where He was going. Despite criticism, He identified with God, not with what people said about Him.
You belong to God! When people say unkind things, respond by thinking, "I don't identify with that." See yourself as complete in Christ. Stop feeling you need something all the time-God's approval makes you complete. You can be satisfied knowing you're making progress: "I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."
