第1章
Words That Change Our World: The Power of Mindful Communication
Ever wondered why some conversations leave you feeling energized while others drain your soul? What if the secret to transforming your relationships-and ultimately your life-lies not in what you say, but in how you say it? "What We Say Matters" by Judith Hanson Lasater and Ike K. Lasater offers a revolutionary approach to communication that has captivated readers worldwide since its publication in 2009. This isn't just another communication book-it's a practical guide to living yoga and Buddhist principles through everyday speech. Endorsed by mindfulness leaders like Jon Kabat-Zinn and embraced by communities from corporate boardrooms to spiritual retreats, the book presents Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a pathway to authentic connection. In a world increasingly divided by words, the Lasaters' teachings have never been more relevant-showing us how each utterance can either build bridges or walls, create peace or conflict, and ultimately shape not just our relationships but the very fabric of our society.
第2章
The Ancient Wisdom Behind Mindful Speech
Both yoga and Buddhism have long recognized the profound impact of our words. In yoga philosophy, satya (truthfulness) ranks second only to ahimsa (non-harming) among the five yamas or ethical restraints. Rather than prescribing exactly what to say, satya functions as a restraint-asking us to withhold speech that might cause harm. This principle extends beyond mere honesty to encompass speaking with clarity, compassion, and discernment. For instance, even a truthful statement should be withheld if its timing or delivery might cause unnecessary pain.
Similarly, Buddhism's Eightfold Path includes "right speech" as a cornerstone of ethical conduct, defined as communication that avoids gossip, slander, lies, and mindless chatter. The Buddha specifically outlined four aspects of wise speech: abstaining from false speech, divisive speech, harsh speech, and idle chatter. These guidelines emphasize not just the factual accuracy of our words, but their intention and impact. For example, speaking truthfully but with kindness about someone's shortcomings differs fundamentally from harsh criticism, even if both contain the same basic information.
While these traditions emphasize speech's importance, they provide limited practical guidance on implementation. This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) becomes invaluable, offering specific techniques rooted in inner awareness. NVC recognizes speech's dual power: first in how our phrasing reflects our thoughts and beliefs about the world, and second in how our words affect others. For instance, saying "You never listen" versus "I feel unheard" reveals different internal states and creates different responses in the listener.
The foundation of mindful speech lies in reversing our typical communication pattern. Most of us focus first on tasks, then on others, and finally (if at all) on ourselves. The authors advocate connecting first with yourself, then with others, and finally with the task at hand. This inside-out approach transforms communication from mechanical exchange to authentic connection. When we pause to check our internal state before speaking, we're more likely to communicate clearly and compassionately.
What makes speech truly "spiritual" isn't using special terminology but making an internal shift in awareness. The authors emphasize that what we say is always about ourselves-our feelings and needs-never truly about the other person. This realization alone can transform how we speak and listen, creating space for genuine understanding rather than defensive reactions. For example, when someone expresses anger, understanding that their words reflect their unmet needs helps us respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. This shift from judgment to understanding represents the essence of mindful speech.
The practice of mindful speech also involves recognizing the power of silence. Ancient traditions teach that speech should serve one of three purposes: to inform, to inspire, or to inquire. If our words don't serve these purposes, silence might be the wiser choice. This selective use of speech helps ensure our words carry weight and meaning rather than contributing to the noise of unnecessary communication.
第3章
The Four Components of Compassionate Communication
Nonviolent Communication isn't a rigid formula but a launching pad for authentic connection. At its core, NVC is about the intention to connect with ourselves first and then with others. This process unfolds through four basic steps that transform how we express ourselves and hear others.
The first step involves making observations without judgment. This means distinguishing between facts and "pseudo facts"-our interpretations of events. Instead of saying "You're inconsiderate," which is a judgment, we might observe "When you arrived 30 minutes after our agreed meeting time..." This separation of observation from evaluation creates space for dialogue rather than defensiveness.
The second component involves naming feelings-emotions connected to bodily sensations that indicate whether our needs are met. Many of us have limited emotional vocabularies, often confusing thoughts with feelings. When someone says "I feel manipulated," they're expressing a thought, not a feeling. True feelings might be "disappointed," "frustrated," or "anxious." Expanding our emotional vocabulary helps us connect more authentically with ourselves and others.
The third element focuses on expressing needs-the natural requirements for survival and thriving that all humans share. These universal needs include connection, autonomy, meaning, physical wellbeing, play, and peace. Importantly, needs differ from strategies for meeting them. Conflict often arises when we confuse specific strategies (wanting someone to call every day) with underlying needs (connection, care).
Finally, NVC involves making requests-specific, present-focused, doable actions rather than vague or future-oriented demands. Effective requests begin with "Would you be willing to..." emphasizing choice rather than obligation. Without this request component, our expressions of feelings and needs might be heard as criticism or complaint.
These four components-observations, feelings, needs, and requests-provide a framework for honest self-expression and empathic listening that transforms even the most challenging interactions.
第4章
The Four Communication Choices
When faced with any communication challenge, we have four fundamental choices that determine how the interaction will unfold. The first is silent self-empathy-sitting quietly to identify our observations, feelings, and needs when triggered by others' words. This practice helps us recognize the emotional patterns we've inherited as "emotional DNA" that shapes our lives as powerfully as physical DNA.
True self-empathy produces a physical confirmation-tears, euphoria, or other bodily sensation-and ultimately creates curiosity about the other person's experience. This shift from reactivity to curiosity marks the transition from self-absorption to connection.
The second choice is self-expression, using the NVC formula to communicate observations, feelings, and needs to others. Effective self-expression requires stating what's happening with you using non-judgmental language (saying "closed the door with more force than I like" rather than "slammed") and always following with a clear, doable request to prevent the other person from hearing criticism.
The third communication choice involves giving empathy to others, either silently or aloud. Silent empathy-guessing what another might be feeling or needing-creates a profound internal shift that often becomes visible to others. Ike shares a powerful experience in a Pakistani refugee camp where empathic guessing helped bridge cultural divides with Afghan refugees. When empathizing with tribal elders' pain about broken promises and displacement, the Americans witnessed how naming feelings and needs created visible physical changes-softened expressions, glistening tears, reflective silence.
The fourth communication choice involves making clear requests, which come in two forms: action requests and process requests. Action requests directly ask for what you want, beginning with "Would you be willing to..." Process requests ask either "Would you tell me what you just heard me say?" to ensure your message was received accurately, or "How do you feel hearing what I just said?" to gauge the listener's emotional response.
These four choices-self-empathy, self-expression, empathy for others, and making requests-provide a comprehensive toolkit for navigating any communication challenge with mindfulness and compassion.
第5章
Transforming Our Inner Dialogue
Our internal conversations shape our external relationships in profound ways, acting as the foundation for how we interpret and respond to the world around us. The author shares her transformative struggle with Marshall Rosenberg's advice to "never do anything that doesn't give you the joy of a three-year-old feeding a hungry duck." She initially rejected this idea because of deeply ingrained beliefs about self-denial and obligation - beliefs that many of us inherit from our cultural and familial backgrounds. This resistance illustrates how our inner dialogue reflects unconscious beliefs that silently control our lives and decisions.
To address this pattern, Judith developed her "duck index," a practical 1-10 scale measuring personal enthusiasm for activities. She committed to not doing anything below a 6 on this scale, using it as a concrete tool to identify and honor her authentic needs. This wasn't just about saying no; it was about creating a framework for honest communication. When her husband invited her to a movie she didn't want to see, she responded "That's a 3 on my duck index" but added "seduce me with your needs," opening space for creative negotiation and mutual understanding. This approach helped transform potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection.
The method distinguishes between "shifting" (finding mutual satisfaction) and "giving in" - a crucial difference that affects relationship dynamics. Through numerous examples with clients, the author demonstrates that needs are never truly in conflict-only strategies are. For instance, one couple's argument about vacation destinations revealed that both wanted connection and adventure, just through different means. Being aware of one's needs prevents the slow accumulation of resentment that can silently damage relationships.
Another powerful technique she developed involves hearing everything as either a "please" or "thank you," regardless of how it's expressed. When an angry pedestrian called her a "stupid driver," she translated it to "Please hear how afraid I was that you might have hit me," generating compassion rather than defensiveness. This reframing worked equally well in family dynamics - when her teenage daughter asked her not to "act like a dork" when picking her up from school, she heard it as a vulnerable request to understand her social concerns, rather than as criticism.
These practices transform potentially triggering interactions into opportunities for connection and growth. By reframing others' words as expressions of their underlying needs rather than personal attacks, we can respond with compassion instead of defensiveness. The author provides numerous examples from her workshops where participants transformed long-standing conflicts by shifting their internal dialogue. This shift in perception doesn't require the other person to change-only our interpretation of their words-making it a powerful tool for immediate relationship improvement. The practice becomes particularly powerful in recurring conflicts, where changing our internal response can break cycles of reactivity.
第6章
The Art of Truth and Kindness
Martin Buber once wrote that healing comes through meeting-authentic connection between people. This idea resonates deeply with the authors' approach to communication. When Judith asked a yoga scholar whether ahimsa (nonharming) or satya (truth) takes precedence in yoga practice, Swami Veda's answer surprised her: "Something cannot be true and unkind at the same time."
This insight becomes foundational to mindful speech. Truth isn't about blurting out whatever crosses our mind; it's about speaking from what's alive in us at this moment. When we connect truthfully with ourselves first, our speech naturally fosters connection rather than division.
Anger often complicates this process. Unlike feelings such as joy or disappointment, anger stems from judging how the world should be. When we're angry, we're disconnected from ourselves and others. Self-empathy-identifying what we're telling ourselves that's causing anger-helps us recognize the hidden feelings beneath our anger and shifts our bodily sensations.
The authors challenge the concept of "righteous anger," noting that feeling right always fuels anger, which disconnects us from others. They share a Buddhist story about a monk whose anger dissolved when he discovered an empty boat had damaged his rowboat-illustrating that "everything is an empty rowboat." While commitment to social change is valuable, fueling it with ego-based anger prevents practicing ahimsa in its deepest form.
When we project "enemy images" onto others or ourselves, we disconnect from our values of satya and right speech. These moralistic judgments leak into interactions through body language, expressions, and words-making connection nearly impossible. Transforming enemy images doesn't mean abandoning our values, but rather seeing others as human beings who suffer as we do, and speaking from compassion.
The authors also reframe interruption as enthusiasm to share rather than rudeness. Listening past the point where we're genuinely present does violence to ourselves and creates disconnection. Instead of pretending to listen, they recommend acknowledging what's alive in us through statements like "I hear you want to share this story, but I'm feeling pressed for time."
第7章
The Dance of Intimate Relationships
Few relationships test our presence and growth as much as our intimate partnerships, which stimulate our deepest emotions and communication patterns. The authors suggest that relationships are a form of "yoga" requiring consistent practice and presence.
In intimate relationships, we often use indirect communication strategies based on childhood conditioning-like asking "Are you thirsty?" when we're actually thirsty ourselves. These patterns reflect deeper beliefs about needs and feelings: many women learn not to express needs, while men learn to hide feelings. Relationships feel safer when partners reveal feelings directly, as unexpressed emotions are often perceived as aggression.
The authors challenge the belief that our needs burden others, suggesting instead that making requests is giving our partners a gift-the opportunity to meet our needs. This "becoming Santa Claus" mindset transforms asking from an act of neediness into an act of giving. The key is expressing feelings and needs before making requests, which allows partners to respond from genuine desire rather than obligation.
They emphasize that no one ever truly does anything "for" another person-we only act to meet our own needs for contribution and connection. When we give from obligation or resentment, we create suffering for ourselves and our relationships.
The authors encourage persistence in asking for needs to be met, comparing it to a dog that repeatedly slips its head under your hand for petting. This "dogging" differs from nagging-it comes from love rather than blame. They recommend checking your "duck index" (willingness to give) before meeting your partner's needs, and making requests without criticism or implied fault.
Long-term couples often have recurring arguments about the same issues. These conflicts persist because partners rush to problem-solving strategies rather than first establishing empathic connection around each person's feelings and needs. Marshall Rosenberg claims he can help resolve any long-standing disagreement within twenty minutes once couples truly hear each other's needs.
In relationships, we often "go unconscious" when triggered by our partners, falling into habitual patterns like withdrawal, blame, or defensiveness. The authors recommend identifying your unconscious patterns and sharing them with your partner, who likely already recognizes them. They suggest establishing a signal your partner can use to alert you when you're slipping into these patterns.
第8章
Nurturing Family Connections
Communicating with children and parents presents unique challenges in applying spiritual speech principles, largely due to shifting power dynamics. Parents initially hold power over children but must gradually surrender choices as children grow, while adult children may feel irritated when parents judge their choices or offer unsolicited advice.
The authors distinguish between "power over" (forcing compliance through implicit threats) versus "power with" (recognizing each person's power to create mutually acceptable solutions). They share personal examples of negotiating with their teenage children by focusing on underlying needs rather than enforcing rules. When they acknowledged their children's autonomy while expressing their own needs for safety and connection, they achieved solutions that satisfied everyone without power struggles.
While NVC values nonviolence, it acknowledges the "protective use of force"-using minimal force necessary to prevent harm, applied with compassion rather than anger. Like grabbing a child from an oncoming truck, protective force is justified in genuinely dangerous situations.
Respecting autonomy is fundamental to good relationships, especially with children. The "terrible twos" represent children's first assertion of autonomy through constant "No!" responses. The authors reference a scene from "One Fine Day" where a father's attempts at power and bribery fail until he finally listens to his daughter's needs, demonstrating how mutuality creates willing cooperation.
Beyond unconditional love, we most desire our parents to respect our autonomy. When this need isn't met, we may rebel or submit while harboring anger. Even as accomplished adults, we can still be triggered by parents who don't respect our autonomy. The authors recommend self-empathy before interactions, seeking empathy from friends before difficult visits, empathizing with parents' needs, and directly expressing your needs while asking for specific changes.
Parental approval and praise, while seemingly loving, can actually manipulate children. When we offer approval, we're making evaluative judgments that imply their opposite-if you can look beautiful, you could also look ugly. Praise puts children in limiting boxes and focuses on extrinsic rewards. Instead, the authors recommend appreciation: sharing exactly what someone did that met your specific needs, revealing what contributes to your happiness without judgment.
第9章
Bringing Compassion to the Workplace
Ike Lasater shares how he successfully applied NVC in a federal courtroom during a frustrating cross-examination of an uncooperative witness. Despite initial fears about using this approach in such a formal setting, his simple, needs-based request dramatically improved the witness's cooperation and the trial's progress.
To overcome fears about using NVC at work, first identify which needs you worry won't be met. Practice with trusted friends before trying it in workplace situations. Begin incorporating NVC at work through silent practices that won't be obvious to others. Use self-empathy to connect with your own needs and silent empathy to guess others' needs during difficult conversations.
We often don't make requests at work because we believe others have power over us. This creates a self-defeating cycle where needs remain unmet because we don't ask for what might meet them. When colleagues don't make clear requests, offer guesses about what they might want. Even incorrect guesses prompt clarification.
One powerful way to contribute in group situations is by focusing inwardly on connecting with your own and others' needs rather than speaking. Even when uncomfortable speaking up, you can positively change a meeting's dynamic through self-empathy and silent empathy.
Using NVC increases communication efficiency by reducing unnecessary words. Many workplace complaints center around interminable meetings and verbose emails. Self-empathy and clarifying requests before speaking leads to more economical language. When someone speaks excessively, asking clarifying questions can help them express themselves more concisely.
Apply NVC principles to email and phone communications by identifying needs and requests when reading messages, and structuring your own communications with clarity. For voicemails, state your request initially followed by supporting information. When writing emails, practice by first structuring them explicitly with observations, feelings, needs and requests, then rewriting in more natural language while maintaining those distinctions.
Workplace evaluations often use judgmental language disguised as objectivity. Make evaluations more helpful by connecting them to specific observations. When evaluating others, provide concrete examples of behaviors that led to your assessment. When being evaluated, ask for specific observations that led to your ratings and clarify which needs were or weren't met by your performance.
第10章
Creating a World Where Everyone's Needs Matter
The authors describe how conscious speech can transform even the most challenging interactions. Judith shares how giving empathy to someone she strongly disagreed with (roleplaying Osama bin Laden after 9/11) helped her connect with shared human needs while still condemning his actions. This practice allowed her to move from hatred to compassion, recognizing that hatred only perpetuates suffering.
Ike describes a potentially threatening street encounter where NVC transformed the interaction. When approached aggressively by a man asking for money, Ike expressed his feelings and made a request to step back. By offering empathy for the man's needs to be respected and heard, Ike watched as the man's posture shifted from aggressive to centered. After several rounds of empathy, the man leaned on Ike's shoulder with tears in his eyes. The interaction transformed from potentially violent to one of connection and compassion.
One crucial aspect of using NVC in the world is learning to mourn with awareness rather than silently berating ourselves. When we regret something we've said or done, we should give ourselves empathy by identifying the needs we were trying to meet with our chosen strategy. When addressing others about our regrets, we can express our feelings, acknowledge unmet needs, and commit to doing differently next time. The mantra "How human of me!" helps us hold ourselves with compassion.
Similarly, we should celebrate our victories using NVC language, sharing observations, feelings, and which needs were met. Both mourning and celebrating connect us to others and sustain us when working for social change becomes overwhelming.
Practicing NVC for social change is challenging and potentially draining without regular empathy and replenishing practices like meditation or yoga. We often face the dilemma of whether to help individuals in immediate need or work to change the systems creating suffering. The authors believe we can do both: help suffering individuals beginning with ourselves, while also working to change the beliefs and systems causing suffering.
Starting with self-awareness makes both our talk and actions more effective, with spiritual speech offering a tool for creating this awareness. In a world increasingly divided by words, the practice of mindful communication offers a path toward healing-one conversation at a time.
