Capitolo 4
The Pick-Me Phase: How Seeking Male Approval Hurts Women
People often accuse Drew of being "too hard on men" or protest "but not all men!" These opinions mean nothing to her because regardless of individual goodness, all men benefit from the patriarchy. While the world provides cisgender men unlimited chances, Drew focuses on extending that same generosity to women and femmes instead.
Women frequently become men's defenders, suggesting Drew has "gone too far" with misogynistic men. To these women, she suggests examining why her videos trigger them. Drew doesn't shame them publicly, recognizing they're still in their "pick-me" phase - prioritizing male approval at other women's expense.
The "cool girl" monologue from Gone Girl captures this perfectly: women pretending to love sports and cheap beer while never getting angry, letting men do whatever they want. Being called "cool" implies you're not jealous or hysterical - just logical reactions rebranded as negative feminine traits. At nineteen, that monologue made Drew question how often she'd compromised herself to avoid seeming difficult.
Having been a pick-me herself, Drew recognizes the signs: someone whose life revolves around male approval, believing they uniquely understand men in ways other women can't. This creates the delusion that having no boundaries makes you "cool" rather than insecure.
Drew's first encounter with male entitlement came at fourteen. When a popular boy asked for her number and eventually demanded nudes, her refusal led to him spreading rumors about her being a "prude." This experience represents countless compromises during her pick-me years, where male validation became social currency. She wasted time worrying about the opinions of men beneath her, making herself smaller to be accepted.
Being a pick-me means entering a cycle where aligning with the patriarchy leaves you without support when you become its victim. As Audre Lorde wrote, "The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house." Freeing yourself from this mindset unlocks greater happiness and deeper connections. What helped Drew was embracing female solidarity - a value instilled by her sister Deison and mother's example. When you let go of male validation, you redirect that power to yourself and others who truly deserve it.
Capitolo 5
When Allyship Fails: Learning to Support Those We Love
Drew firmly believes in having no regrets, not just because regret can trap you in unproductive cycles, but because she tries not to make decisions she'll come to regret. She lets love, solidarity, and support guide her life. Yet one of her biggest regrets is how she responded when one of the most important people in her life-her sister Deison-came out to her looking for support, and Drew failed her.
After hurting Deison with her initial reaction, Drew realized her responsibility for making the most important person in her life feel rejected. Despite this failure, Deison's boundless capacity to hold space for others allowed her to wait patiently while still loving Drew unconditionally. Even during their reconciliation, Deison offered to avoid discussing her sexuality if it made Drew uncomfortable-showing her incredible heart and generosity of spirit.
When Drew finally apologized properly, she made clear that her love for her sister was eternal and unconditional. Though their relationship didn't immediately recover, acknowledging the harm was the first step in repairing the damage she'd caused. This experience taught Drew the importance of firm convictions and true intersectional allyship-being proactive and willing to learn and unlearn. She had failed when truly tested by responding with fear stemming from internalized homophobia.
True acceptance meant actively engaging with Deison's life by asking questions about her girlfriend just as she would about any friend's partner. Drew later recognized that fear for her sister's safety in a homophobic world had partly driven her poor reaction, but she regrets letting anxiety shape her response with invalidating questions like "Are you sure?"
This taught Drew the crucial difference between intention and impact. When Trump's election emboldened bigots in 2016, the Afualo family drew a clear line-Deison led the charge in cutting off prejudiced people, even family members, and Drew stood firmly with her. This experience is why Drew remains loudmouthed and opinionated, willing to lose fans, friends, opportunities or even family by standing firmly for her beliefs.
Witnessing her sister's journey empowered Drew to recognize how structures we accept as "standard" are actually tools of the patriarchy, like compulsory heterosexuality. Learning about queerness forced her to confront her own toxic beliefs, including understanding the distinction between male and female gazes.
The male gaze assumes both creator and audience are male, framing everything to appeal to men and viewing women as sex objects or tropes. Women internalize this gaze too-Drew realized some outfits she wore were meant to appeal to men. Even how women judge other women often happens through this patriarchal lens.
The female gaze was revelatory-it values women for their thoughts, emotions, drive and passions rather than just appearance. It acknowledges women as complete individuals with distinct personalities and desires, not just supporting characters in men's narratives. This formed the foundation of Drew's body neutrality approach.
Witnessing Deison's freedom from heteropatriarchal expectations showed Drew the power in decentering men. Her growing LGBTQIA+ community taught her how to approach desire differently and appreciate the deep non-romantic relationships they form, inspiring her to invest in her own friendships and family bonds. This evolution made her steadfast in supporting all women and femmes, regardless of race, sexuality or gender identity-and why she doesn't care if that alienates former fans.
Capitolo 6
Dismantling Misogynistic Myths That Limit Women's Lives
The patriarchy feels insidious because it tricks people into thinking it's simply part of our social fabric rather than something we're indoctrinated into believing. Donald Trump's behavior during the 2016 debates with Hillary Clinton-making snide comments, invading her personal space, denying facts and making up stories-physically embodied the worst aspects of patriarchy. This behavior would be familiar to anyone who'd experienced an abusive relationship, deploying tactics from undercutting a woman's authority to outright lying.
Trump's unapologetic misogyny appeals to terrible men who share a thought pattern of violating and invalidating women. They believe female behavior should primarily cater to men, and that women who don't conform to archaic gender roles will "die alone." This aggressive messaging reflects the underlying current of hostility many women experience daily.
Misogynists perpetuate the fallacy that while young women can date who they want, older unmarried women become "leftover" and must settle for whoever will have them. This myth targets women in their thirties, forties, and fifties who've gained the wisdom not to settle for less. It's nothing but gaslighting to manipulate women into accepting mediocre partners by weaponizing any desire for marriage and family against them.
Instead of fearing becoming a "leftover woman," celebrate being left alone rather than trapped with someone undeserving. You'll always be better off alone than guilted into partnership with someone who doesn't see you as an equal. Challenge these limiting beliefs-your soulmate might appear at any age, but you'll never find them if you settle for what you don't want.
Women wield boundless consumer power-we decide what trends, what sells, what goes viral. We're an integral part of what becomes popular, following and promoting what we love. Men hate this, especially seeing women like Drew earn financial and social rewards for opposing their misogyny.
The problem starts early: boys are hyped to believe they'll become financially successful, while girls are encouraged to succeed in looks and relationships. Despite the 2010s "girlboss" messaging urging women to "lean in," this brand of feminism remained individualistic without challenging systemic issues. Meanwhile, no one rebranded domestic labor and childcare as valuable work for men, allowing them to shirk these responsibilities without social consequence.
Drew's own parents modeled a different path-when her dad's NFL career ended, he handled cooking, cleaning and childcare while her mom pursued her executive career, becoming the main breadwinner. This domestic role reversal happened seamlessly, without resentment. While Samoan culture is more matriarchal, the patriarchy remains inescapable across cultures due to colonization.
We've all known the girl who claims "all my friends are guys because girls are drama"-a common pick-me trope rooted in society's desire to pit women against each other. This belief stems from the idea that women must compete for the ultimate prize: male validation.
To combat this, Drew practices radical honesty with herself about her feelings toward other women. When she feels unexplained disdain toward a woman, she asks herself: "Is she actually a bad person? Or am I just being a hater? And if I am, why?" This self-reflection helped her confront her prejudiced thoughts and recognize when she was giving in to misogynistic attitudes.
Let's be clear about another myth: No, you cannot "fix" a man. And it's not your job to try. Your relationship shouldn't make you question yourself or fill you with anxiety. Your partner should accept you completely while holding high standards, not expecting fundamental change. If your relationship creates more stress than it relieves, your body is sending warning signals you shouldn't ignore.
Being with the wrong person is normal and can prompt growth, but it can also deplete your confidence. The dangerous belief that "he will change" and that it's your responsibility to fix him leads to self-sacrifice and damage. Don't lose yourself in another person. Maintain your standards, call out red flags early, and listen when friends express concern about your relationship.
Capitolo 7
Embracing Independence: The Power in Being Alone
Drew envisions a future where women fully reject patriarchal systems. Finding power in the willingness to be alone, she made peace with independence long before meeting her partner Pili. While society often judges women who live alone - assuming it's due to rejection rather than choice - Drew discovered that solitude trumps settling for less.
When she embraced her independence, Drew recognized her exceptional worth and refused to compromise. In college, friends called her "too picky" for her zero-tolerance approach to dating. As the protective "mom friend," she witnessed the dark side of hookup culture while keeping her friends safe from predatory behavior.
A pivotal experience came when she discovered she was unknowingly dating someone with a girlfriend. After ending things immediately, she endured months of harassment before cutting him off completely. This experience reinforced her trust in her instincts and taught her to ignore empty promises.
"I'd rather die alone" evolved from a joke into Drew's empowering philosophy. She learned to distinguish between loneliness and solitude, building deeper connections with friends and family instead of settling for unfulfilling relationships. Her mantra became clear: nothing threatens men more than a woman who knows she doesn't need them.
Ironically, embracing independence led Drew to her soulmate. Though she and Pili knew each other in high school, their relationship bloomed years later when he demonstrated genuine growth and maturity. Their connection thrived because Drew didn't need him - she chose him. Six years later, they're building a life where he enhances rather than defines her world.
The path to unbreakable self-love requires eliminating internalized misogyny. When you stop fearing solitude and start prioritizing yourself, you create space for genuine connections and self-discovery. Being alone isn't a failure - it's an empowering choice that honors your worth.
Capitolo 8
Body Neutrality: Finding Freedom Beyond Appearance
Women learn early that our bodies are assigned worth based on arbitrary standards. As a taller, thicker brown woman, Drew's dating experiences differed vastly from those portrayed in popular media, which primarily features thin white women.
The body positivity movement, initially championed by Black women and women of color, emerged alongside early Instagram culture. However, it gradually shifted as brands co-opted the message to sell products while maintaining traditional beauty standards. Our capitalist society resists truly empowering messages that might prevent people from constantly buying self-improvement products.
As a child, Drew played without caring about appearance, finding confidence beyond looks. This "factory-setting body neutrality" shifted near puberty when she grew four inches in one summer. When she expressed wanting to look like her blonde friend, her mom wisely explained their Samoan heritage meant she'd naturally be bigger. At fourteen and 5'9", she struggled with boys claiming they'd like her "if she wasn't so tall."
The fear of being bigger than men stems from false beliefs about emasculation. The male gaze teaches women to value themselves only through men's attraction, when our bodies deserve celebration on our own terms. On difficult days, Drew focuses on more meaningful questions: Am I a good person? Am I making things I'm proud of? Am I caring for others?
Drew practices body neutrality - neither hating nor praising her body but valuing it unconditionally while acknowledging her health and ability. This removes physical appearance from her self-worth, letting her focus on being a good person, supporting her community, and pursuing business opportunities. Self-confidence begins with internal dialogue, avoiding the trap of centering her relationship with her body when appearances inevitably change.
True attraction transcends conventional standards. As someone with an internet platform in a relationship with a conventionally attractive man, Drew regularly encounters insecure men shocked by women they don't consider "conventionally hot" receiving romantic attention.
In online spaces, self-proclaimed "high-value men" use pseudoscience to label independent women as "low-value," convinced that women's autonomy somehow oppresses them.
Body neutrality requires ongoing practice. Modern culture, with its filters and beauty standards, profits from insecurities. Rather than pursuing an endless quest to be "enough," Drew advocates forging a path of patience, love, and empathy.
Capitolo 9
The Strategic Power of Being "Mean" When Necessary
From childhood, women learn to prioritize others over ourselves, compromising boundaries out of fear of being labeled a "bitch." But the alternative is worse-failing to assert ourselves leads to tiptoeing around boundary negotiations, especially with terrible men. Drew's online persona is deliberately menacing to misogynistic men, and while her supporters understand why, the targets of her commentary grow defensive and resort to calling her a "fat bitch." Their response reveals the fundamental difference in their approaches: their jokes carry real-life implications of racism, sexism, and other forms of bigotry, while hers merely give them a taste of their own judgment.
Margaret Atwood's quote from forty years ago still rings true: "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them." This stark contrast reveals the patriarchy's influence-men's biggest fear is ridicule while women fear violence. We must stop fearing the "mean" or "bitch" labels when prioritizing ourselves over men's feelings. Some men understand their privilege, but terrible men treat women poorly because they feel mediocre and overlooked. Their displaced anger comes from seeing women's resilience and joy as reminders of their own inadequacy.
Drew isn't trying to fix these men-she doesn't care about their growth or well-being. Being nice to bigots doesn't work; embarrassing them does. Her approach helps women deal with four types of terrible men: the scary guy, the "nice guy," the one who gives you an unforgivable ick, and the there's-no-saving-him guy.
The scary guy approaches when you're vulnerable-alone, at night-creating situations where you can't risk gambling on his reaction. Drew's solution: pretend you can't hear him. A simple "What?" repeated after every unwanted "compliment" wears him down without direct antagonation. Being nice in these moments can backfire, while this approach avoids feeding his ego and protects you. Creating confusion provides a smokescreen for escape and leaves him feeling stupid.
"Nice guys" weaponize basic human decency as manipulation, bragging about the bare minimum treatment of women. Their politeness is a thin facade; they refuse to accept rejection, believing they can change a woman's mind through guilt and coercion. Women shouldn't compromise their boundaries to accommodate these men-"no" is a complete sentence, and sugarcoating only enables boundary violations.
The ick is like emotional food poisoning with no recovery-a visceral disgust triggered by seemingly superficial behaviors that likely represents your body's evolutionary response to unsuitable partners. Though men may call women picky or unreasonable for acting on these feelings, the ick is primal and shouldn't be ignored. Whether it's making up words mid-conversation or displaying condescension at the gym, these red flags deserve attention, and women have every right to walk away without justification.
The there's-no-saving-him guy is an irredeemable misogynist who clings desperately to power and male approval while viewing women as mere accessories. Unlike confident women who've worked to overcome patriarchal conditioning, these men derive strength only by diminishing others. They uphold oppressive systems while refusing to acknowledge how patriarchy harms everyone, including themselves. These grown adults choose bigotry, and it's not women's responsibility to rewire them-instead, they deserve to be called out for perpetuating harmful ideologies.
Terrible men view women as tools for their physical or emotional use, not as sentient humans. When they reveal this through red-flag behavior, women should "cauterize" their respect immediately. Society expects women to prioritize men's comfort and feelings regardless of disrespect, but there's power in being "mean" when necessary-standing tall and speaking bluntly like facing down a bear in the woods. Being direct isn't about lacking kindness; it's about effectively asserting the dominance that exists within all women.
Capitolo 10
Authenticity and Personal Choices: Defining Womanhood for Yourself
Drew has been accused of putting on an act, but her success comes precisely from being 100% authentic. While she's completely herself online, she doesn't share everything-she protects her family by getting consent before sharing anything about them, and she draws boundaries to shield them from the scrutiny that comes with her career. As a plus-size woman of color, she's especially vulnerable to misogyny compounded with racism and fatphobia, which has sometimes made her hesitant to share certain beliefs online.
One truth Drew has been reluctant to share: she doesn't want to be a mom and never has. What she actually admired in her mother wasn't motherhood itself, but her confidence, leadership, and ability to stand up for others. Growing up, she couldn't relate to friends who excitedly planned baby names and futures with children. She kept waiting for maternal instincts to arrive, but they never did. Society's expectation that motherhood is every woman's ultimate destination feels suffocating-as if success, education, and career accomplishments mean nothing without children.
Drew supports women's choices whether they want to be CEOs, stay-at-home moms, or neither, yet when she expresses her desire not to parent, she's met with concern or disdain. It's reductive to suggest a woman's value begins and ends with reproduction, and she's surprised how often this pushback comes from fellow women, even in feminist spaces.
Society connects parenthood to romantic relationships in limiting ways. When Drew fell in love with Pili, she initially thought maternal instincts would naturally emerge-because everything she'd absorbed suggested finding "the right person" would trigger desire for children. Though men have more life options, they too face pressure to father children as part of masculine legacy. Pili and Drew prioritized transparency about their future. While marriage was an immediate "yes" for both of them, having children remained a tentative "maybe" in their discussions. They carefully considered each other's feelings, but Drew has realized that with parenthood, if it's not an enthusiastic "yes," it's a "no"-you can't bring life into the world halfheartedly.
Years into dating Pili, Drew's period was late-not unusual for her as an athlete. As weeks passed without her cycle returning, Pili bought a pregnancy test. When it showed positive, Drew was in disbelief while he turned pale. His first words were reassuring: "Whatever you want to do, I'm here." She broke down crying, knowing what she wanted but unable to verbalize it. Contrary to anti-abortion rhetoric, choosing abortion isn't easy-it's a life-altering decision made with tremendous emotional weight. Pili honored that the decision was ultimately hers, respecting her bodily autonomy. Sitting with this news, Drew waited for excitement that never came-only dread. At the women's health center, she learned it was a false positive. Her overwhelming relief confirmed what she'd always known about herself: motherhood wasn't for her.
That pregnancy scare became a pivotal moment in understanding her feelings about motherhood. Despite their relief, both Drew and Pili experienced complex emotions they couldn't articulate. Why did she feel such visceral dread and shame? Why was she so relieved? They weren't emotionally equipped to unpack this trauma, so they tried ignoring it completely. For months, Drew told no one-unusual for someone who typically shares everything with her mother and sister. She convinced herself it didn't matter since it "wasn't even real," but running from problems never works, no matter how fast you try.
Capitolo 11
Reclaiming Your Worth After Setbacks
Is it any wonder women and femmes struggle with self-doubt in a society constantly demanding smaller, quieter versions of themselves? When setbacks happen, we're socialized to automatically assume blame and punish ourselves, unlike men who typically avoid responsibility. We take on more than our share of emotional labor while overcompensating by taking the fall for everything, ultimately harming our well-being. Knowing your worth-especially during difficult times-saves you from your worst enemy: yourself.
Despite her family's warnings about corporate America's coldness, Drew pursued the prestige of working for a massive entertainment company. But her hard-earned confidence quickly crumbled as the new person in a patriarchal office environment where her ideas were stolen without credit and advancement seemed arbitrarily delayed. Coworkers insisted this was normal-start at the bottom, "eat shit" for a while, then move up. But seeing a woman with her same title passed over for promotion for eight years confirmed her gut feeling that something was deeply wrong.
Two weeks after being fired, COVID shut down the world. Without daily routines, Drew realized she'd tied her entire worth to a job title. She'd built her identity around professional achievement, forgetting that jobs-like awful men-will drain your energy, question your worth, and convince you everything is your fault when things end badly. Work can feel validating when you're succeeding, but the workplace is fickle. Drew sacrificed boundaries for her job, rarely seeing Pili as they became ships passing in the night. She gave up so much without knowing what she actually needed for herself.
In college, Drew shared rants with friends on Snapchat similar to her current content, but stopped when job-hunting. After being fired with her future unclear, she joined TikTok. The platform seemed tailor-made for her, and her audience exploded-from her first viral post to hitting a million followers to features in The New York Times and Time magazine. All this happened after being let go from a job that claimed she couldn't engage an audience. Her previous employer was right about one thing: she wasn't cut out for that sports network-she was destined for something far greater.
According to misogynistic men online, being "called out" is the ultimate persecution-when Drew is often just describing their behavior. They hate seeing their reflection in the mirror she holds up. Her simple mantra has always been: "I deserve respect." These men can't handle when someone responds to their behavior-they're cowards afraid of how other men would perceive them for standing up for women, afraid of examining their privileges, afraid of accountability.
Many avoid speaking out to prevent being seen as aggressive or labeled a "bitch"-fears compounded by racist, classist, homophobic, or transphobic assumptions. Drew has experienced this double standard firsthand when a white woman copied her content verbatim, yet received thoughtful engagement from the same men who sent Drew death threats and racist insults. She remains confrontational with purpose and intent. Society being stacked against you is precisely why advocating for yourself matters.
People constantly ask where Drew gets her confidence in a world determined to keep someone like her down. For those at the beginning of their self-love journey, she advises starting small-correcting someone who mispronounces your name, asking for the correct drink order when it's wrong. We're conditioned not to rock the boat, especially over "small things," but this "polite" response becomes internalized, affecting your ability to judge which disrespects truly matter and ultimately eroding your capacity to stand up against significant rudeness or disrespect.
Capitolo 12
Living Out Loud: Embracing Your Authentic Self
Empowering yourself is a lifelong journey. Despite her confident persona, Drew doesn't have everything figured out, and that's okay. Life constantly requires vulnerability, and while this path can be grueling, opening yourself to uncertainty also creates space for love, support, and confidence. If you don't yet have a supportive community, use her words to build support within yourself first. Remember: you deserve all the love and respect you give others.
In many ways, we're all our own first generation-Drew carries her parents' lessons but interacts with the world as just Drew. Looking back at her journey since 2020, from losing her "dream job" to finding her true path, she believes this is exactly where she was meant to be. Though she faces vicious online hatred for empowering women and confronting terrible men, the community she's built keeps her going. She believes strongly in manifestation-identifying desires, naming them, and believing you deserve them. This is your life-don't waste a second living for anyone but yourself.
When first approached about writing a book, Drew doubted her thoughts were important enough to publish. As a proud Samoan woman, she attributes her sense of self to her support system-nothing about her was possible without the people she loves. She thanks her parents who, despite being young when they had their children and facing financial struggles, never let them want for love. They encouraged her to shine brightly and never be ashamed of being loud about who she was.
Drew's gratitude extends to her siblings-her sister Deison, her best friend who truly understands her, and her brother Donovan, who taught her patience. And to Pili Tanuvasa, the love of her life who saw her light and basked in its warmth rather than shying away from it. She thanks her team who believed in her before anyone else, and finally, her "beautiful baddies" reading her words-they all gave her purpose after a job stripped her of her confidence and mental health. Because of them, she now knows her words are enough.
