Kapitel 1
When Life Cracks, Apply Golden Glue
In the heart of a depressive fog, Bella Zanesco heard those two devastating words: "It's over." Her perfectly planned future-dogs, babies, houses, marriage-shattered instantly. But this breaking point became her turning point. Like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, where broken pottery is mended with golden glue to create something more beautiful than before, Zanesco transformed her brokenness into strength. Her journey from corporate burnout and depression to becoming a World Champion sailor and wellness strategist has inspired thousands. Endorsed by figures like Sam Cawthorn (Young Australian of the Year) and freediving champion Mandy-Rae Cruickshank, "Smart Girls Screw Up Too" has become a beacon for high-achieving women facing their own breaking points. This isn't just another self-help book-it's a practical roadmap for rebuilding yourself when life cracks you open, combining personal truth with scientific research to guide readers from merely surviving to genuinely thriving.
Kapitel 2
Feelings First: The Foundation of Transformation
When you're lying in bed with a pillow over your head, unable to face the day, the path forward begins with one simple truth: your feelings create your reality. Our emotions shape our behaviors, our behaviors form our habits, and our habits ultimately become our lives. The journey from depression to vitality starts with addressing how you feel.
For Zanesco, rock bottom came after her breakup when she found herself envying a group of vibrant women at the beach. Their energy and vitality seemed impossibly distant from her grey existence. The contrast sparked her first step toward healing-journaling about how she felt versus how she wanted to feel. This simple act created clarity about the gap between her current state and her desired one.
The solution came from a therapist friend's straightforward advice: "Meet your needs." Using Maslow's Hierarchy as a blueprint, Zanesco focused on basic self-care-making her bed, eating nutritious food, walking by the sea, napping when tired, and meditating. These simple actions gradually lifted her from depression's grip, though not without resistance from both her inner critic and those around her who questioned her self-care journey.
Protecting this fragile progress required what Zanesco calls "full-on electric fencing"-strong boundaries to preserve her energy and wellbeing. She established clear principles: no bringing each other down, work doesn't invade personal time, doing what we say we will, and ensuring exchanges are mutually beneficial. Learning to say "no" as a complete sentence became her superpower.
The final piece was identifying her "Source Wound"-the first deep hurt that created patterns of people-pleasing and abandonment fears. Understanding this wound helped her recognize how it had shaped her relationships, career choices, and achievement-oriented behavior. By reframing this wound and forgiving her parents, she began healing at the root level.
This foundation of feelings, needs, and boundaries creates the solid ground upon which everything else can be built. Without addressing these emotional underpinnings, no amount of career success, relationship advice, or wellness practices will create lasting change. The journey upward begins with honoring how you feel and what you need-a revolutionary act for many high-achieving women accustomed to ignoring both.
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Rediscovering Your Authentic Self Through Aligned Decisions
After addressing her basic needs and boundaries, Zanesco faced a deeper question: Who was she, really? The corporate achiever with the impressive resume or the adventurous, creative spirit she'd been as a child? To reconnect with her authentic self, she needed to rediscover what truly motivated her beyond external success markers.
While visiting Jervis Bay, where she'd once won a sailing championship, Zanesco began listing her favorite life memories. A pattern emerged-adventure, freedom, inspiration, connection, and appreciation for beauty consistently appeared in her most cherished experiences. These became her personal "touchstones"-soul-aligned values that would guide future decisions.
She also employed a product development concept called "smash and grab," identifying traits she admired in others-from Sebastian Terry who left corporate life to pursue his "100 Things" list to the always-smiling girls from Kibera slum. These people embodied qualities like adventure, creativity, compassion, and freedom that she wanted to incorporate into her own identity.
Looking back, Zanesco traced her descent to "the downside" to age eighteen when she chose business school over pursuing photography, followed by taking a "sensible" job at a tobacco company. These decisions gradually led her away from her authentic self, creating an unsatisfying life despite external markers of success. She realized that without her status, paycheck, and flashy title, she'd simply be her authentic "Smart Girl" self-motivated by wellness, adventures, creative expression, and solving problems that make people happier.
Zanesco distinguishes between needs (necessary for existence) and touchstones (soul-aligned values). While needs dissolve when met, touchstones guide meaningful living beyond mere existence. Making decisions aligned with touchstones naturally leads to finding one's tribe-people who share similar motivations and encourage authentic living.
To implement this approach, Zanesco displayed her touchstones prominently on walls and in her phone to reference when making decisions. Her "Thriving Curiosity" touchstone, for example, included maintaining curiosity about life, understanding people's differences with compassion, learning new skills, and embracing different projects.
While following touchstones requires courage, especially when they've been ignored, Zanesco notes that seven in ten people have never considered what deeply motivates them beyond money, resulting in one in two people dreading their morning commute. Aligning decisions with touchstones saves time, energy, and money on "the wrong stuff" and helps reallocate resources to "upside stuff"-the activities and relationships that truly fulfill us.
Kapitel 4
Rewiring Your Beliefs: From Limitation to Liberation
Our beliefs shape our reality more profoundly than we realize. Einstein once asked whether we believe the world is a friendly place-and over half of the "Smart Girls" Zanesco interviewed believed it isn't. Yet as she emphasizes, "no matter what you believe, you're right"-we create evidence supporting our beliefs, whether positive or negative.
At the core of many struggles lies what Zanesco calls the "Core Limiting Belief," which stems from our Source Wound. Her own limiting belief was "I am not good enough because... I don't deserve it-love, success-any of it." This belief originated from her parents' separation, creating the fear that people close to her would leave, leading her to believe she wasn't deserving unless she did something incredible.
These beliefs, formed in our first three years, create cycles of self-sabotage as we unconsciously create situations that confirm our deepest fears. Breaking this cycle requires a four-step approach: 1) Know and name the belief, 2) Have genuine desire to change it, 3) Neutralize it, and 4) Take small but repeated actions to destabilize it.
For example, challenging the belief that "No one will pay me for my skills outside my job" might start with recognizing it's possible (perhaps a friend has done it), then taking small actions like consulting that friend and creating side projects. Even small steps forward create proof that the limiting belief isn't true.
Our thoughts constantly seek to reinforce existing beliefs. Zanesco categorizes thoughts into upside thoughts (affirming and productive) and downside thoughts (non-productive and destructive). She shares personal examples of destructive thoughts like "All men are arseholes" and "I can't possibly do work I love and be paid well for it," contrasting them with healthier alternatives like "I can attract love" and "I can choose work that feeds my soul."
The physiological benefits of positive thinking are significant: activating the parasympathetic nervous system creates calm and creativity, reduces excess adrenaline (lowering cancer and heart disease risk), and increases serotonin production. Conversely, negative thoughts activate the sympathetic "tiger-fleeing" nervous system, causing physical and mental health problems.
Citing scientist Steve Cole, Zanesco explains that while we can't change our genes, we can change what they express. Our subjective experience carries more power than our objective situation-feeling supported even when alone is better than feeling alone in a crowd.
To rewire your brain, Zanesco recommends nourishing both body (with foods like avocados and omega-3s) and mind (with affirming thoughts and beliefs). Action is key-starting with small steps that lead to bigger ones. Her VIP hacks include surrounding yourself with people who share your desired beliefs, consuming inspiring content, and building confidence by doing things you're good at.
Kapitel 5
Finding Your North Star: Vision and Purpose
A profound encounter with mortality can transform your perspective instantly. For Zanesco, photographing children in Kibera, Kenya, only to learn that 12-year-old Florence died hours later, made cliches like "life is short" suddenly profound. This confrontation with impermanence initially led her down a path of hedonism-sports cars, tequila shots, casual encounters-using "life is short" as justification.
Despite these experiences, Zanesco found they provided little fulfillment beyond momentary pleasure. At 38, she realized that while proving she was alive through exciting experiences, the most meaningful memory remained working with the girls in Kibera. This epiphany revealed she'd spent her life accumulating money rather than finding fulfillment through serving others-a crucial shift in perspective.
Zanesco discovered that helping and connecting with others made her feel most alive, not self-serving experiences. She references palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware's research on the top regrets of the dying, noting that material wealth never appears among them. The most common regret-"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me"-became a powerful wake-up call.
To discover personal vision, Zanesco offers three approaches: First, "time travel" to childhood memories when we were our most authentic selves (like her childhood desire to help women and children). Second, create a "hell-no basket" of things to avoid based on common end-of-life regrets. Third, write your own eulogy in two versions-one if you continue on your current path and one that your soul truly desires-to clarify what legacy you want to leave behind.
Creating a vision requires thinking about life as a house with six rooms and a roof, built on foundations of feelings, touchstones, and beliefs. The rooms represent different aspects of life: the play room (experiences), study (skills to master), hot tub (self-care), kitchen (contribution and money), living room (giving back), and bedroom (living situation). The roof represents your legacy-what you'll leave behind for others.
Rather than pushing yourself toward a perfect vision, Zanesco suggests finding your "tennis balls"-those curiosities that require zero motivation to pursue. These are the things that will sustain you when times get tough or boring. Don't waste years trying to perfect your vision before taking action; instead, experiment and follow your natural interests.
After creating your vision house, make it visible everywhere-on vision boards, screen savers, and desktop backgrounds-then take small actions toward fulfillment. Even small contributions toward your "roof" goal matter, like monthly donations to causes you care about. Remember that building your vision is about "laying a single brick every damned day," not completing everything at once.
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The Inside Job: Physical and Mental Wellbeing
The journey to "the upside" requires addressing your physical foundation-the body that carries you through life. Zanesco's physical transformation began reluctantly after putting her back out from merely sneezing, realizing that without action, her condition would only deteriorate with age.
Starting with gentle yoga at Chelsea Piers gym in New York, she was humbled to discover the 65+ women in her class could do headstands while she couldn't even touch her toes. This wake-up call launched thousands of practice hours that eventually led to yoga teacher training and her first six-pack at age 36.
Beyond physical benefits, Zanesco discovered her yoga mat reflected her life: when flustered in life, she was flustered in down dog; when critical while sailing, she was critical when falling in crow pose. This self-awareness helped her recognize negative self-talk and develop the ability to respond rather than react.
Yoga realigns the spine and consequently the nervous system. According to somatic psychologist Ellen Heed, this rebalances the nervous system, particularly helping the vagus nerve function properly. The vagus nerve, which connects the brain to organs throughout the body, can only work effectively when posture is aligned. Poor posture contributes to anxiety, insomnia, indigestion, and short temper by preventing the vagus nerve from sending calming signals.
Through breath work, yoga helps access and calm the mind while making practitioners witness to their destructive thoughts. While nobody speaks during yoga class, it's where internal narratives shout loudest, making it the ideal place to identify and change negative self-talk.
The physical practice also releases trauma from the body. According to Ana Forrest (founder of Forrest Yoga), fascia stores memories and unresolved emotions. Yoga helps track down these "entrapped areas" to gently release them, dissolving pain and reducing the power of old issues.
Complementing physical practice, meditation offers profound mental clarity, inner calm, and health benefits including reduced inflammation and improved immune function. Despite not being as immediately appealing as yoga's physical benefits, meditation is simple-just sitting, breathing, and letting thoughts come and go-yet powerfully transformative.
Zanesco's introduction to meditation came in New York City, where constant stress led her to seek a long-term solution beyond temporary vacation relief. At India's Kumbh Mela festival, surrounded by 20 million pilgrims, she initially struggled with meditation-fidgeting, opening her eyes, and feeling uncomfortable. She observed how others remained serene despite identical external conditions, demonstrating an internal calm unaffected by external chaos.
Research from Harvard Medical School shows meditation physically changes the brain, thickening areas related to learning and emotional regulation while shrinking the amygdala (the "fight or flight" center). These changes reduce stress, which otherwise causes inflammation, compromises health, and destabilizes moods.
The Walt Disney Company saw dramatic increases in creativity after implementing workplace meditation, and Steve Jobs said meditation helps you "see so much more than you could see before." Neuroscientists have found that just 11 hours of meditation creates structural changes in the brain's focus centers, and 90% of anxiety sufferers experience significant relief through meditation practices.
Kapitel 7
The Gut-Brain Connection: Your Second Brain
One of the most overlooked aspects of wellbeing is gut health-yet it profoundly impacts everything from mood to intuition. The majority of people experience bloating, pain or discomfort after eating, and half have irregular bowel movements, significantly impacting quality of life and one's ability to create the life they want.
Zanesco's diagnosis with Irritable Bowel Syndrome came from poor lifestyle choices-"wine over greens, TV over exercise and stress over chill time." Rather than receiving a simple medical solution, she faced a lifestyle overhaul affecting diet, stress management, and relationships. Her journey included eliminating stress and working with a naturopath to rebalance gut bacteria by removing sugar, gluten, dairy, processed foods, and alcohol.
The critical connection between gut and brain health is now well-established: "whatever is going on in your gut affects your brain and vice versa; if the flora in your gut is out of whack, your moods will be too." Under her naturopath's guidance, Zanesco spent a year eating prebiotic and probiotic foods, low-carbohydrate and gluten-free options, and healthy fats to reduce inflammation and increase beneficial bacteria.
The gut produces 95 percent of the body's serotonin-the "happy, calm chemical"-earning it the nickname "second brain." This explains why IBS and gut disorder sufferers experience higher rates of anxiety and depression. While antidepressants may provide temporary relief, they don't address the root cause in the gut.
Our gut instinct isn't just mystical-it's scientifically grounded. The enteric brain contains over 500 million neurons that communicate through the vagus nerve. This "second brain" uses the same neurotransmitters as our cranial brain and can process information independently, creating our intuition or "gut feel."
The alignment of your spine critically affects your intuition. A hunched posture compresses the vagus nerve-the communication highway between gut and brain. While this nerve is a two-lane highway from brain to gut, it's an eight-lane superhighway from gut to brain, carrying vital intuitive information. When compressed, this intuitive wisdom can't reach your conscious awareness.
Hippocrates was right: all disease begins in the gut. Modern science now links depression and poor intuition to an imbalanced gut microbiome, which affects everything from mood and libido to metabolism and mental clarity. The good news is that significant changes in gut bacteria can occur in just six days after dietary changes.
For those with autoimmune conditions, heart disease, diabetes, or mental health disorders, investigating the gut's role with appropriate testing is crucial to address root causes rather than just symptoms. Successfully treating gut issues requires professional guidance from practitioners specializing in digestive wellness.
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Hormones, Cycles, and Feminine Wisdom
Zanesco's fifteen-year relationship with the contraceptive pill-longer than most marriages-represented control over her body, career, and femininity. The pill offered freedom from PMS, period pain, heavy bleeding, and inconvenient timing of menstruation during important professional moments.
When she decided to go off the pill to prepare for potential pregnancy, she wasn't prepared for the emotional chaos that followed-experiencing five moods in one hour, feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks, crying randomly on public transport, and obsessively watching cat videos. Most disturbing was learning this was considered "normal" after long-term pill usage.
Seeking help from her naturopath, she began taking supplements for hormonal balance and mood support, while maintaining a clean diet focused on gut restoration through probiotics, natural fats, vegetables, and daily meditation. She discovered she had developed estrogen dominance from toxins, stress, alcohol, chemicals, and poor nutrition.
When faced with her gynecologist's recommendation to use a Mirena IUD to eliminate her period and pain, Zanesco resisted despite promises it would end her suffering. After researching extensively, she discovered concerning side effects including prolonged bleeding and increased depression rates. Instead of accepting the mainstream medical solution, she reinforced her boundary by saying "no," returned to her naturopath's treatment plan, and sought alternative approaches to understanding her menstrual cycle.
Zanesco challenges society's shame around menstruation and questions why women medicate with artificial hormones despite research showing oral contraceptives increase depression risk by 23% and certain cancer risks. Instead of controlling her body, she decided to work with it by adopting cleaner lifestyle choices and using the Natural Fertility Awareness Method-tracking her temperature, vaginal mucus changes, moods, appetite, and sleep patterns daily.
Understanding the four phases of a typical 28-day menstrual cycle reveals unique gifts in each phase. Phase 1 (days 1-5) is for self-care, reflection and minimal scheduling; Phase 2 (days 6-14) brings peak energy, creativity and strategic thinking; Phase 3 (days 15-21) starts with ovulation, bringing heightened receptivity and better decision-making; and Phase 4 (days 22-28) is PMS week, when Zanesco recommends solitary activities, avoiding alcohol, increasing leafy greens, and appreciating the heightened intuition that comes when the brain's hemispheres communicate more effectively.
Zanesco acknowledges that birth control is a personal choice with pros and cons, but encourages women to question whether artificial methods are helping or hindering their connection to their bodies. She suggests our attitudes toward menstruation reflect our attitudes toward womanhood itself.
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The Outside Job: Creating Your Environment
After doing the inner work, the next step is creating external environments that support your transformation. Zanesco's journey began with creating a clean, safe home environment after living in a cockroach-infested apartment with a messy boyfriend. Rather than following Marie Kondo's approach of discarding items that don't spark joy, she removed anything that caused sadness, especially her ex's belongings, while keeping meaningful items that connected her to happier times.
The author argues that certain possessions serve as vital connections to our better past selves. These physical reminders helped her reconnect with her identity before life's difficulties overwhelmed her. By surrounding herself with objects that triggered fond memories, she created a protective "suit of armor" while rebuilding her inner strength.
While Zanesco successfully transformed her home environment, her workplace remained toxic-particularly due to one "bully cockroach." With eight-plus hours spent at work daily, a negative environment becomes "pure living hell." Research confirms that positive work environments with supportive colleagues correlate with higher life happiness, yet half of the Smart Girls in her research reported unsuitable work environments.
The author began her minimalist journey by asking what she would save in a fire, realizing her most irreplaceable possessions-memories and photographs-could be stored digitally. While she discarded non-essential items, she kept meaningful objects that expressed her touchstones, storing important artwork, photographs, and books.
Disconnecting from technology during a two-month yacht trip initially felt like a "mini break-up"-brutal withdrawal from the dopamine hits of social media validation. However, by the third day, she felt amazing. Landscapes reduce status anxiety by reminding us of our mortality and insignificance, as natural formations developed over eons rather than human lifespans.
Nature helps us reconnect with our authentic selves, with research showing that nature connection fosters more authentic sensory reactions. During her off-grid trip, Zanesco realized social media had been negatively influencing her core identity and beliefs. Three-quarters of Smart Girls don't spend enough time in nature, despite research showing that nature walks reduced depression in 71% of participants, while shopping center walks worsened symptoms for 22%.
Zanesco developed a system to monitor how four key environments-home, work, nature, and media-contribute to her wellbeing. She kept her home minimal and tidy, chose workplaces with like-minded colleagues, engaged in outdoor activities without her phone, and limited exposure to anxiety-triggering media and social comparisons.
After extensive searching for the perfect place to live, having tried numerous locations worldwide, she ultimately realized that proximity to family mattered most. No adventure could compare to "a cuddle from my nieces, or spending the day with my parents as they age."
Kapitel 10
Play, Creativity, and Meaningful Work
Finding the "upside" requires rediscovering play and creativity-elements often sacrificed first when life gets busy. Seven in ten "Smart Girls" admit they no longer play for fun, and eight in ten sacrifice hobbies first when pressed for time. Yet play is vital for health and longevity, with dancing specifically highlighted as an exceptional stress-buster.
Dancing ranks as the most effective play activity for lowering stress levels, outperforming swimming, reading, and golf. Research shows tango dancers had lower stress hormone levels after dancing with partners while feeling sexier and more relaxed. A six-week dance practice significantly reduced depression levels compared to non-dancing control groups. Most importantly, dance offers protection against dementia and Alzheimer's disease, reducing the likelihood by 76 percent according to a 21-year study of seniors.
Dance works because it requires extreme focus or "mindfulness" that interrupts negative thought patterns contributing to anxiety and depression. It forces presence, transforming self-consciousness into self-awareness and making us comfortable in our own skin.
Through 5Rhythms dance, Zanesco released grief, rage, and anger, followed by ecstasy, joy and lightness she hadn't felt in years. Dancing allowed her to embrace her "wild femininity" and simply "be," stopping mental chatter as emotions emerged through movement.
According to play scholar Brian Sutton-Smith, "the opposite of play is not work, it is depression"-that grey stagnation where nothing feels fun. Physiologically, play triggers endorphins, making regular players 20% more likely to feel daily happiness and 36% more comfortable with their life stage. Play stimulates nerve growth in emotional processing areas, building neural pathways that replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
Creativity complements play as a path to the "upside." About 85% of us carry creative shame from our youth that makes us shy away from creativity later in life. Yet creativity-whether defined as "an act of destruction" (Picasso), curiosity (Einstein), or "connecting things" (Jobs)-is essential.
Innovation is simply creativity dressed up in professional clothing. When bosses ask for "innovative solutions," they're requesting creativity-something many have forgotten how to access after years of conformity. We've forgotten that sometimes loving the process matters more than the result.
To enter a flow state, engage in activities that both excite you and push you slightly beyond your comfort zone. Flow dramatically enhances performance. McKinsey's ten-year study revealed executives with the best problem-solving abilities were up to 500% more productive in flow states.
Flow silences your inner critic by deactivating the prefrontal cortex, the brain region controlling impulses and self-doubt. This quieting allows you to see possibilities previously hidden and develop new ideas. The neurochemical cocktail released during creative flow promotes social bonding, making creative activities excellent for team building.
Finding your creative passion requires courage and experimentation. There's no shame in trying something and deciding it's not for you. Even starting with adult coloring books can help-they're bestsellers because everyone needs creativity to shut down their inner critic and external noise.
Kapitel 11
Relationships, Love, and Legacy
The final piece of creating your "upside" involves relationships-both with others and with your authentic self. Zanesco introduces the concept of a "tribe"-a carefully chosen inner circle of five or six people who support your growth and best self. These relationships require conscious cultivation rather than random connections, and should reinforce the version of yourself you want to become, not your "downside version."
The six essential members for an effective inner circle include: The Catalyst (someone who changes your life's course in an instant), The Player (brings fun and has zero tolerance for self-pity), The Nurturer (provides support and care when needed), The Inspirer (fills you with ideas and possibilities), The Challenger (engages in deep conversations that expand your thinking), and The Lover (accepts you unconditionally).
Beyond the inner circle, Zanesco describes four additional "tribes": the Life Amplification Tribe (people who share your interests and add fun but aren't necessarily close), the Work Tribe (colleagues you should choose wisely), the Check In/Check Out Tribe (temporary communities that serve specific needs), and the Virtual Tribe (online connections that provide inspiration but require careful curation to avoid status anxiety).
When it comes to romantic relationships, Zanesco acknowledges that being single at any age is no longer unusual and doesn't indicate a personal flaw. She suggests that disillusionment with romantic relationships often stems from unrealistic expectations shaped by Disney films and Hollywood rom-coms rather than personal inadequacy.
She outlines a four-step process to finding meaningful partnership. First, "date yourself" by retiring dating apps and focusing on self-improvement and healing past wounds. Second, "date others" when you're genuinely curious rather than desperate, using a personalized checklist of compatibility questions. Third, "choose and be chosen" based on aligned values, shared interests, and mutual desire rather than neediness. The relationship should amplify rather than complete you, serving as a teacher that makes you conscious rather than simply happy.
For maintaining relationships, Zanesco compares them to plants needing regular care. She distinguishes between those who stay versus those who leave: stayers have realistic expectations about relationships and understand that their personal issues will emerge regardless of their partner. The real love story is finding someone who helps unpack your emotional baggage while refusing to leave when things get difficult.
On the question of having children, Zanesco acknowledges that while some women have always known they wanted to be mothers, others-including herself-feel both drawn to and cautious about parenthood. She offers thoughtful questions to help readers determine if motherhood is right for them, emphasizing making this decision from one's heart rather than head, as those are the choices we never regret.
The journey from "the downside" to "the upside" isn't a straight line but a continuous practice of applying golden glue to life's inevitable cracks. While challenges will continue to arise-"life involves suffering," as Buddhists say-the tools and perspectives Zanesco shares provide a foundation and reference point during difficult times. The goal isn't perfection but wholeness, allowing the places that once ached to sparkle in the sun.
