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The Power Behind the Throne: Mastering Your Role on Life's Stage
Have you ever felt that strange disconnect between your professional position and your inner confidence? Picture this: You're a Stanford professor, a renowned expert on power dynamics with over 25 years of research experience, yet you still carry that childhood feeling of powerlessness inside you. This is precisely the paradox that Deborah Gruenfeld explores in her groundbreaking work. As one of the most influential voices in organizational psychology today, Gruenfeld's insights have shaped how executives at companies like Google, Apple, and Facebook understand power dynamics. Her book has become required reading in leadership development programs worldwide, with Sheryl Sandberg calling it "a game-changer for anyone who wants to understand how power really works." What makes Gruenfeld's approach so revolutionary is her theater-based perspective: power isn't something we possess but something we perform-a role we play in someone else's story.
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The Paradox of Power: What It Is and What It Isn't
Power captivates everyone-from billionaires to everyday workers-because it fundamentally determines our fates. As Bertrand Russell noted, power is the essential force in human relations, controlling "who lives, who dies, and who tells your story." We're evolutionarily wired to seek power for survival advantages and even a kind of immortality. From ancient tribal leaders to modern CEOs, humans have consistently organized themselves into power hierarchies. This universal drive stems from our deep-seated need for security, influence, and legacy.
Power isn't a personal attribute or possession-it's fundamentally social and contextual. Your power stems from others needing you specifically for rewards or to avoid punishments. A CEO powerful in meetings with direct reports may lack power with the board or teenage children. A teacher commanding respect in the classroom might feel powerless at a city council meeting. Even world leaders find their power constrained by alliances, economic dependencies, and public opinion. Power isn't a feeling-we're often miscalibrated about our own power, either overestimating it like a middle manager who alienates their team, or underestimating it like talented employees who fail to recognize their leverage.
Most critically, power isn't hostile by nature. It can align people and strengthen relationships. Research shows that power differences create attraction and provide structure for coordination. In effective organizations, power hierarchies enable quick decision-making and clear accountability. Smart power marries hard power (intimidation, coercion, control over resources) with soft power (charm, negotiation, diplomacy, expertise) based on understanding context and the other party's interests. The most successful leaders skillfully blend both forms, knowing when to assert authority and when to build consensus.
Contrary to common belief, men and women don't fundamentally differ in their need for power. While men still hold more formal power positions in society, research by psychologist David Winter shows the "power motive" is equally strong across genders. The difference lies in expression: cultural expectations make women reluctant to display power interest while men feel pressure to demonstrate it. Studies of Fortune 500 companies reveal that firms with more women in leadership positions often outperform their peers. Despite hiring biases favoring men, women in leadership roles consistently receive higher effectiveness ratings than male counterparts in performance evaluations across most industries, from healthcare to technology.
Perhaps most surprisingly, power isn't primarily for personal gain but for solving group problems. In human and primate societies, alphas gain power through willingness to protect the group, mediate conflicts, and ensure fair resource distribution. Historical examples from Native American chiefs to successful modern leaders show that enduring power comes from serving collective interests. Our individualistic culture mistakenly frames power as a tool for self-enhancement, but acquiring more power rarely alleviates feelings of powerlessness. The wisest approach is shifting focus from personal success to making a difference for others-a mature understanding of power's purpose that we can adopt at any age. This perspective transforms power from a source of anxiety into a tool for positive change.
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The Two Faces of Power: Playing Up and Playing Down
Former Chinese Premier Zhu Rongji masterfully demonstrated power's dual faces during a business school board meeting. The opulent palace setting highlighted his status, while his personal attentiveness to each distinguished guest showed respect. Throughout the meeting, Zhu balanced playing power up (maintaining clear control) with playing power down (showing deference and creating connection). When both Coca-Cola and PepsiCo CEOs were present, he joked that he personally liked both-simultaneously defusing tension while subtly reminding everyone of his influence over their Chinese business prospects.
Playing power up isn't about winning contests but about context-appropriate behavior. While most people focus on what to say when acting powerful, actors understand that physical action matters more. To show dominance, we square off directly, make eye contact, puff ourselves up-just like animals do. Body language matters as much as words, perhaps more, since we trust nonverbal messages over verbal ones. Even speech patterns matter: speaking slowly, deliberately, with a deeper voice from the diaphragm communicates power.
Playing power up includes techniques like pulling rank (explicitly claiming control based on position), poking fun (using humor hierarchically), blowing smoke (giving backhanded compliments), pushing boundaries (behaving as if you have the right to define social norms), withholding attention (signaling "your time matters less than mine"), interrupting, and exercising the right of refusal (saying no).
Playing power down, conversely, is not showing weakness but demonstrating strength and security enough to prioritize others' interests. It's about showing respect and deference rather than commanding them-standing down to disarm others' defenses. This approach doesn't mean giving up power; it means deciding that winning a particular battle may require sacrificing some traditional sources of authority.
Playing power down includes backing off (signaling you pose no threat), self-deprecating humor, asking for help, respecting others' boundaries, seeking approval, and sometimes simply going along with others' wishes. Counterintuitively, many true power-holders frequently play their power down, partly because they've learned its benefits.
Most of the time, our natural instincts serve us well, but we can become more purposeful when facing new challenges. When making first impressions in ambiguous situations, play power up enough to be taken seriously while playing down enough to avoid posing a threat. Lasting power comes from advancing shared goals, even when that feels risky or "inauthentic." Sometimes this means stepping up to lead; other times, stepping back.
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Getting in Character: The Art of Playing Your Role
When I first introduced professional actors and directors to my MBA classroom, students were skeptical about "acting" in real life, viewing it as manipulative. They wanted authenticity, not pretense. Yet these same students were "acting" daily-responding with unfailing positivity ("Great!" "Awesome!") while privately struggling with serious personal challenges.
In life, as in theater, we all have roles with different power levels and scripts (or schemas) that guide our behavior. Parents protect and direct children; professors speak with authority while students listen; meeting leaders control the agenda while participants follow along. This isn't about "faking it" but accepting the reality of your stage-immersing yourself fully and showing up as a version of yourself that makes sense in context.
Serena Williams' uncharacteristic outburst during the 2018 U.S. Open finals exemplifies "losing the plot"-acting inappropriately by violating contextual norms. Despite her champion status, Williams forgot that on that stage, the umpire was the authority. "Losing the plot" means forgetting where you are, why you're there, and what you're supposed to be doing-like Darth Vader bursting into song on the Death Star.
While we think of power abstractly as rights and privileges, in practice it activates responsibilities. Research shows people who define themselves by roles (spouse, manager) rather than attributes (intelligent, introverted) prioritize responsibilities over needs. Studies of U.S. presidents found firstborns had fewer scandals than later-born children, likely because older siblings learn early to control selfish impulses and prioritize others' needs.
To inhabit unfamiliar circumstances truthfully, actors use Stanislavski's "Magic If" technique-imagining and internalizing a character's circumstances as their own. When preparing for a deposition where I'd face a hostile prosecutor, I felt vulnerable until I watched Game of Thrones and connected with Daenerys Targaryen's character. By imagining myself as the "Mother of Dragons" with powerful protectors behind me, my confidence transformed. The Magic If can't change who you are, but it changes how you experience yourself and your circumstances.
Even our physical environment and appearance affect how we embody roles. Props like notebooks and costumes like clerical collars or lab coats help us inhabit our characters and signal authority to others. "Suiting up" both reinforces our appearance of power and strengthens our internal confidence to play our parts. Similarly, "hosting" is an effective way to own a room without being domineering-like the executive who brought waffle makers to the office and cooked breakfast for her team each morning, establishing leadership presence authentically while creating a welcoming space for conversation.
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Riding Shotgun: The Art of Supporting Roles
Everyone must master the art of playing supporting roles, as we all answer to someone. Sometimes acting with power means wearing a smaller hat rather than a bigger one.
Power doesn't automatically transfer between contexts-our roles constantly shift, requiring conscious adaptation. One executive realized his struggles after transitioning from CEO to employee stemmed from still operating in "CEO mode" with his new boss. These transitions trigger stress responses-even baboons show hormonal changes when hierarchies shift. When power-motivated, we may develop what psychologists call a "Superhero complex"-inflated self-perceptions that make it difficult to stand down when appropriate.
Acting as if you have more power than you do is a rookie mistake. When you overshoot, you signal disrespect to superiors and superiority to peers-essentially insulting everyone. The inability to read power dynamics reveals self-absorption and damages relationships in virtually any context. We often lose track of hierarchical norms when our internal anxiety overwhelms situational awareness.
Supporting roles require seeing yourself as a partner to those above you, not merely following. Riding shotgun demands commitment and willingness to put someone else first-incompatible with viewing your role as merely a stepping-stone. Organizations aren't resources to be consumed for personal advancement but opportunities to contribute to something greater. Having the confidence to sit quietly while someone else gets applause demonstrates as much power as seizing the spotlight.
For every spotlight-craver, there are those who relish working behind the scenes. David Litt, one of Obama's top speechwriters who specialized in jokes, wasn't even known by name to the president during the first term. "I didn't make a ton of history, and that's totally fine," he told The New York Times. The ability to focus on the work itself-the craft and higher objectives-even at the expense of personal glory, affords tremendous power.
Willingness to take personal risk for the group's good is the most reliable source of status. It's not about whether we care about others-most do-but whether we can show it through sacrifice. During Stanford's "Executive Challenge," I witnessed a student who demonstrated this perfectly. When alumni role-playing as executives demanded to know who would take responsibility if a proposal failed, her partner hesitated. Without flinching, she said simply, "You come to me." With those three words, she accepted responsibility and showed she had their backs. While others jockeyed for status, she looked like the grown-up, distinguishing herself by putting the group first.
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The Show Must Go On: Managing Performance Anxiety
It's supposedly human nature to be drawn to power, to crave it and seek it for ourselves. Friedrich Nietzsche called this "the will to power"-our natural tendency to strive for the highest possible position in every circumstance. Yet for many people, the idea of having power is more attractive than the reality. Performance anxiety in big roles can be overwhelming, as demonstrated in the Stanford prison experiment, where guards responded to the pressure of their roles in three distinct ways: some became aggressive to maintain control, some followed rules precisely as bureaucrats, and others tried to appease the prisoners by being nice. The common thread was fear-not the euphoria of power, but the terror of responsibility.
When you step into a leadership role, you won't feel different internally, but externally everything changes. The spotlight grows brighter, the audience larger, and the reviews harsher. This creates "imposter syndrome"-the fear of being exposed as inadequate for your role, like the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain. Even accomplished individuals like Nobel Prize winners suffer from this. We respond to imposter syndrome in various ways: some play power down by exposing vulnerability, others hide or freeze, while some overcompensate by playing power up excessively.
When in positions of power, we often worry about appearing incompetent, but research shows competence is usually assumed. The more critical factor is demonstrating that we care about those we lead. Many leaders make the mistake of waiting until they have all the answers before making an entrance-like President Bush flying over Hurricane Katrina rather than meeting victims on the ground, in contrast to Mayor Giuliani standing in the World Trade Center rubble on 9/11.
Contrary to Nietzsche's belief that everyone wants to be first, psychologists Freud and Fromm argued most people fear power and avoid accountability. Many executives handle this by becoming bureaucratic rule-followers who defer decisions upward. Research by Em Reit shows that slightly more than half of people would rather rank second than first, preferring status without responsibility.
Performance anxiety is normal when stepping into bigger roles, but can be harnessed constructively. The key to optimal performance is moving attention away from self-consciousness and toward others. Remember the "spotlight effect"-people are far less focused on your performance than you imagine; they're mostly thinking about themselves. To use power effectively, choose love over fear. Show genuine warmth and care for others, as people in high-power roles are constantly watched for emotional cues.
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When Power Corrupts: Understanding the Dark Side
Dave McClure's story illustrates power's corrupting influence. Despite founding 500 Startups to support underrepresented entrepreneurs (particularly women), by July 2017, McClure resigned after being named in a New York Times expose on sexual misconduct in Silicon Valley. His case raises fundamental questions: Does power inherently corrupt? If so, why? And what can be done to prevent it?
Research shows that power doesn't inevitably corrupt everyone, but it does make people more likely to act on whatever goals are most salient when opportunity arises. When power kicks in, self-regulation decreases, our own objectives take over, and we become less inclined to consider others' well-being or perspectives.
Power produces three key psychological effects that can lead to corruption. First is disinhibition, demonstrated by Keltner's "cookie experiment" where participants with power were more likely to take the last cookie, violating social norms. Second is objectification-powerful people tend to view others as instruments for achieving personal goals rather than as full human beings. Third is entitlement-the belief that powerful people deserve what they want simply because they want it.
Power abusers typically fall into three categories: The Bully uses power to threaten and intimidate as a means of control. Unlike tough bosses who elevate others through high standards and accountability, bullies single people out, take credit for others' achievements, blame others for failures, and create public scenes to demean subordinates. The Megalomaniac will do anything to satisfy their need for respect and power, creating reality distortion fields and feeling entitled to special privileges. Many driven leaders-from Musk to Bezos-strive relentlessly to prove themselves worthy to absent or demanding fathers. The Don Juan engages in sexual misconduct not from confidence but from desperate insecurity, either from loneliness at the top or "precarious masculinity"-the need to constantly prove one's masculine power.
Ironically, people who abuse power are often seductive. Power itself is "the ultimate aphrodisiac"-evolutionary models suggest we're attracted to high-power mates for survival advantages. This explains why women are drawn to aggressive men and why vulnerable voters support "strong father" political figures who exploit their fears. Tragically, victims of childhood abuse often repeat patterns, falling for abusive partners whose familiar mistreatment feels like love.
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From Bystander to Upstander: Taking Responsibility
The story of "Snackman," Charles Sonder, illustrates the power of intervention. This ordinary 24-year-old architect became an unlikely superhero when he stepped between two fighting subway passengers while calmly eating his Pringles. His video went viral because he epitomized the calm, cool "upstander" we all aspire to be. The incident demonstrated how everyday citizens can defuse volatile situations without aggression or confrontation. His casual demeanor - continuing to eat chips while creating a physical barrier - showed how effective non-aggressive intervention can be.
Despite our aspirations to act heroically, most of us choose to be bystanders when witnessing abuse, either doubting our authority to intervene, feeling uncertain about the appropriate response, or fearing retaliation. Social psychology experiments have consistently shown that people are less likely to help in emergencies when others are present, a phenomenon known as the "diffusion of responsibility."
We often view power abuses as involving just two characters-victim and perpetrator-while ignoring our own role as bystanders. Research confirms the "bystander effect" is real-we avoid intervention to prevent embarrassment, failure, or personal harm. Studies show that in groups of three or more, the likelihood of any individual helping drops by over 50%. In workplaces, while physical abuse is rare, other harmful behaviors-intimidation, verbal berating, insults-are common. These can include excluding colleagues from important meetings, withholding critical information, or spreading harmful gossip. Taking a "free ride" by staying silent normalizes inaction and encourages others to do the same. Research shows abuse typically escalates gradually, starting with small boundary violations and breaking down victims' defenses before becoming explicit.
When we take action to protect others, we actually feel more powerful rather than needing power first. Upstanders earn respect, become role models, and inspire others to join them. For example, when one employee speaks up about inappropriate behavior in a meeting, others often feel empowered to voice their concerns too. Small daily actions define how norms change, with the most powerful cultural shifts often coming from the bottom up. Research shows people are more likely to intervene when they feel they have "psychological standing" to do so, which is why formal roles that legitimize intervention - like harassment officers or ethics committees - are so important.
There's genuine power in numbers when confronting abuses. Harvey Weinstein and Larry Nassar were able to abuse victims individually in private, but when multiple victims united and spoke out together, the power dynamic shifted dramatically. The #MeToo movement demonstrated how collective voices can overcome institutional barriers and change entrenched systems. Research confirms that even just two dissenting voices are far more powerful and harder to dismiss than one alone - studies show the impact of dissent grows exponentially with each additional voice.
Though abuse isn't funny, humor can effectively police boundaries of civility. Sexual harassment consultant Fran Sepler recommends witty disruptions like asking "What year is this? 1970?" in response to sexist comments. Other effective techniques include strategic use of silence, raised eyebrows, or simply saying "Wow" to highlight inappropriate behavior. Teasing can be surprisingly powerful-researcher Dacher Keltner describes it as a way to speak truth to power while strengthening relationships, especially when the offender can be in on the joke. This approach helps maintain workplace harmony while still addressing problematic behavior.
Kapitel 9
Using Power for Good: The Standard of Beneficence
During the #MeToo movement, Speaker Paul Ryan struggled to articulate the standard to which powerful people should be held. This reflects a broader problem: we lack clear models for using power well because positive examples rarely make headlines. Simply knowing what not to do is ineffective-psychologist Dan Wegner's research shows that focusing on avoiding behaviors often makes them more likely to occur.
Rather than looking to infamous public figures or negative examples, we should identify people who've used power positively in our own lives. The author shares her experience with professor Joe McGrath, who transformed her academic journey. Despite his status, McGrath created safe spaces for students to take risks, treated everyone with equal respect while acknowledging power differences, and valued excellence without elitism.
Beneficence is an ethical principle requiring those in power to prioritize the welfare of those with less power. This standard treats power not as something to accumulate or wield freely, but as a resource to invest in others. Organizations function like theaters, and effective leaders must "play the lead" without delegating two critical elements: vision and role. The highest-ranking person must use their status, visibility and power to provide meaning in a chaotic environment, appearing frequently to articulate direction that keeps everyone focused on shared objectives.
Lieutenant General Jay Silveria demonstrated exemplary leadership when racist slurs appeared at the Air Force Academy. Addressing 4,000 cadets and 1,500 staff, he declared the incident a personal insult to everyone present, emphasized that diversity gives the military its power, and concluded with a clear directive: "If you can't treat someone with dignity and respect, then get out."
When selecting leaders, we should look beyond ambition to commitment orientation. Charisma and likability are poor predictors of leadership success, as charismatic leaders often reject limits to their authority. Instead, we should value warmth-genuine caring, commitment, reliability, and willingness to take personal risks to help others succeed. Developmental maturity-the ability to control selfish impulses and act for others' benefit-should be prioritized when casting for leadership.
We need to change our narrative about what constitutes a powerful person and a powerful life. Great stories aren't about perfect people with advantages who effortlessly master the universe-no one relates to such characters. What compels us is the struggle, the triumph, the tragedy, and how characters cope and endure. To use power well, we must embrace our full humanity-weaknesses and strengths alike. When we act from hope, assuming others are fundamentally good, we use power generously, prioritize others, and build trust that encourages reciprocity. This is power's true purpose.
