第 1 章
When Failure Becomes Your Superpower
In 2010, Reshma Saujani suffered a spectacular loss in her congressional race against incumbent Carolyn Maloney. The defeat wasn't just disappointing-it was devastating, with her opponent capturing 81% of the vote. Yet this public failure became the catalyst for creating Girls Who Code, an organization that has since educated half a million girls and helped bridge the gender gap in STEM.
This pattern-transforming devastating setbacks into brilliant innovations-appears repeatedly among successful founders and leaders. Stacy London rebuilt her career after simultaneously losing her father and television platform. Amanda Goetz launched a cannabis company while navigating divorce and parenting three children during a pandemic.
The science explains why: setbacks literally reprogram our basal ganglia with new data that guides future actions. Neuroscientist Chantel Prat reveals that the dopamine dips we experience during failures actually enhance brain flexibility. People who've weathered more setbacks demonstrate superior problem-solving abilities-they recognize wrong paths and course-correct more effectively.
This transformative journey isn't a clean U-shaped recovery but more like a preschooler's messy S-uneven, sometimes backward, occasionally disconnected. When sitting among the scattered remnants of what could have been, you're actually in a chrysalis undergoing metamorphosis. The Setback Cycle is your GPS through these inevitable experiences.
第 2 章
The Neuroscience of Transformation
When we experience setbacks, our brains gain new datasets that reprogram the basal ganglia-our decision-making center that draws from past experiences to guide future actions. Neuroscientist Chantel Prat explains that setbacks cause temporary dopamine dips, but since dopamine induces brain plasticity, these moments actually sharpen our mental agility. It's like a slingshot pulled back before launching forward-our brains become more flexible through these challenges.
This explains why people who've weathered more setbacks excel at problem-solving and reasoning. They recognize wrong paths and course-correct more effectively because their brains have developed enhanced flexibility through previous failures. Think about how toddlers learn to walk-they fall countless times, but each tumble provides valuable data that eventually leads to mastery.
Not every setback is transformational, however. As executive coach Shoshanna Hecht emphasizes, "Yes, success can come from setbacks. But you don't need a setback in order to find success." Some experiences are simply messed up and make no sense. Traumas aren't always setbacks, and setbacks aren't always traumas-though both can lead to growth.
A setback occurs specifically when you're moving toward a goal and something knocks you back to square one. While this book focuses primarily on business-related setbacks, personal setbacks sometimes lead founders to build brilliant, innovative businesses. Consider the pandemic-a societal-level setback that disproportionately affected parents. Reshma Saujani, while balancing running a company with raising children during remote learning, recognized how little society valued mothers-treating them as "the economy's social safety net." Having previously cycled through major setbacks, she created the Marshall Plan for Moms (later renamed Moms First), a grassroots movement that led to concrete policy changes supporting mothers in the workforce.
When asked how she powers through setbacks so productively, Saujani replied simply: "I rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. I don't know any other way to be."
第 3 章
Recognizing You're in a Setback
Setbacks range from seismic societal shifts like rollbacks in emissions policies or reproductive rights to deeply personal experiences like divorce, illness, or job loss. While some setbacks hit you smack in the face, others creep in subtly-like the stagnancy of staying too long in a bad relationship or job. Your surest sign of a setback is stress, which manifests physiologically: clenched jaw, tensed shoulders, fists tightening.
Naming your setback as you experience it makes it more manageable. When Adam Grant wrote about "languishing" during the pandemic, the term went viral because it helped people identify what they were feeling-that place between flourishing and burnout. Having language to describe our experiences equips us with the information needed to move forward.
The motherhood penalty represents a significant professional setback for women. Studies show that becoming a mother is one of the worst career moves a woman can make, with mothers being less likely to be hired, perceived as competent, or paid equally. Women's wages decrease further with each child-between 6-12% according to different studies. The gap between mothers' wages and non-parents is even more dramatic: sixty-nine cents for every dollar.
Many people simply "float along" rather than confronting subtle workplace discrimination or setbacks. As therapist Shoshanna Hecht observed, it's easier to keep repeating "it's fine" than to acknowledge what's happening. This sleepwalking into setbacks happens when we dismiss small annoyances without recognizing they're shifting our trajectory backward. Psychiatrists call these small workplace transgressions "disenfranchised griefs"-everyday losses Americans are conditioned not to mourn.
Positive psychology has created pressure to push away negative feelings rather than acknowledge them, but facing setbacks directly allows for proper mourning and working through them, potentially leading to unexpected opportunities. Sometimes writing, creating, or pursuing side projects can remind you of your talents and worth, eventually building an entire career outside your day job that becomes your safety net when layoffs come.
第 4 章
Embracing the Pause
When facing setbacks, our natural instinct is to rush through negative emotions or rationalize them away. Instead, we need to practice emotional acceptance-allowing ourselves to feel disappointment without judgment. Dr. Michelle Casarella advises against our tendency to question if our feelings are legitimate, noting this is especially common among women who are often told they're "too emotional."
Pauses-whether intentional or forced-can be surprisingly productive. Erica Taylor Haskins, founder of Tinsel Experiential Design, found unexpected value in the pandemic pause of March 2020. Despite the devastation to her events business, the forced downtime gave her something she hadn't had in a decade: time to reflect and reimagine her work.
While reflection is valuable, be wary of rumination-obsessively dwelling on suffering without moving forward. The Nagoski sisters' book "Burnout" emphasizes that we thrive when moving toward positive goals rather than just fleeing negative circumstances. As coach Shoshanna Hecht notes, embracing our setbacks allows us to "pull back the lens" and see the bigger picture, opening conversations about what more is possible in our lives.
Processing difficult emotions can be as simple as listening to sad music. Susan Cain explains this "paradox of tragedy"-why we sometimes welcome sorrow through art. Sad music shows we're not alone in our pain and can be therapeutic during loss. Cain suggests adversity causes withdrawal into imagination, potentially fueling creativity. Feeling emotions fully during difficult times reveals important self-knowledge and prepares us for moving forward.
Consider Kendall Toole's journey through severe depression. Despite excelling academically and in cheerleading at USC, Toole was battling inner demons. Her senior year, she contemplated suicide until her mother's repeated calls awakened her to how her decision would affect loved ones. After months of intensive therapy, she gradually recovered and later found relief through boxing. Her mentor, noting her intensity, introduced her to the sport where she felt "strong and powerful" without overthinking. This eventually led to her becoming a Peloton instructor, where she openly discusses mental health and ends classes with her family motto: "They can knock you down but they can never knock you out."
第 5 章
Naming Your Inner Critic
During challenging times, we can challenge our inner critic by literally naming it. This technique, backed by research, helps create psychological distance from negative self-talk. Dr. Michelle Casarella explains that personifying your inner critic helps separate it from your identity, while coach Roshan Shah calls it "the gremlin"-a harsh voice connected to childhood experiences.
Remembering that thoughts aren't facts is crucial. Creative naming helps-Dr. Laurie Santos calls hers "Linda Lamesauce" and the Burnout authors Emily and Amelia Nagoski reference the "madwoman in the attic." The goal isn't to silence this critic but to acknowledge it while not letting it dictate decisions.
Managing expectations requires balancing ambition with realistic goals. We often pressure ourselves based on others' expectations without realizing it. As Dr. Casarella explains, humans naturally set impossibly high expectations, creating a vicious cycle of disappointment. Morra Aarons-Mele, host of The Anxious Achiever podcast, suggests conducting an "Expectations Audit" to identify which expectations truly belong to us versus those we've internalized from others.
When faced with uncertainty, our bodies enter fight-or-flight mode, flooding with cortisol that disrupts our hormones and causes physical symptoms. Though it seems counterintuitive when feeling low, movement is the best remedy to activate the parasympathetic nervous system's "rest and digest" response. Robin Arzon, who turned to running after surviving trauma, embodies this principle with her mantra "Movement is medicine." Despite a type one diabetes diagnosis just before starting at Peloton, she refused self-pity, completed ultramarathons, and proudly displays her insulin patch during workouts.
The Embrace phase varies in length for different people-a brief moment for some, endless for others. Completing this phase brings release from what was holding you back. You've learned to coexist with your inner critic, amplify your inner cheerleader, separate behavior from identity, adjust expectations, and adopt a growth mindset.
第 6 章
Learning from Babies
Babies don't worry about making mistakes-they simply try, fall, and get up again. Unlike adults who avoid new experiences due to fear of failure or embarrassment, babies approach learning with fearless determination. By adopting a baby-like mindset of curiosity and persistence, we can overcome the fear that holds us back from growth after experiencing setbacks.
Carol Dweck's concept of a growth mindset-the belief that qualities can be cultivated through effort and strategies-is essential for navigating setbacks. Unlike the fixed mindset, which sees traits as unchangeable, the growth mindset creates room for development. People with growth mindsets focus on learning and improvement rather than outcomes, allowing them to persevere through challenges.
The author suggests using the word "yet" as a powerful tool to shift perspective: "I'm not an athlete yet" or "I haven't scaled my business yet." This mindset becomes crucial during setbacks, helping unlock new possibilities regardless of age.
Adults fear trying new things because of potential embarrassment, but babies charge forward without concern for how they appear. In the growth mindset, failure isn't defined by struggle but by not attempting at all-by suppressing the wonder of "What if I tried?" Babies exemplify this mindset perfectly: they walk, fall, get up, and keep moving forward without self-consciousness.
While those with fixed mindsets allow setbacks to define them and give up easily, people with growth mindsets remain motivated to try again and pivot. The good news is that mindsets can be changed through practice. Neuroscientist Chantel Prat adds nuance, advising that while a growth mindset is valuable, we should also understand and embrace how our brains naturally work. Our brains are constantly changing, giving us the power to adopt a growth mindset at any point in life.
Research shows that perseverance and resilience from the growth mindset are key ingredients in creative achievement. The growth mindset also enhances self-esteem by freeing people from limiting thoughts and the fragile sense of belonging that comes from letting others define them.
第 7 章
Cultivating Curiosity After Setbacks
The aftermath of a setback creates the perfect opportunity to excavate deep-rooted curiosities. When certain goals no longer hold value, it's time to redefine success by questioning what truly serves you. Though we've been conditioned to view non-productive activities as wasteful, daydreaming can be incredibly valuable: How would you spend your days if money were no issue? Could you incorporate even a small piece of that into your actual life?
The Curiosity Quiz helps you reconnect with your authentic self through two exercises. First, "Get to Know Idealist You" prompts reflection on childhood activities that brought joy and activities where you feel most like yourself. If childhood wasn't idealistic, Angela Duckworth suggests asking loved ones what lights you up, as they often see you more clearly than you see yourself. The second part, "Introduce Idealist You to Realist You," asks deeper questions about your current identity beyond job titles, where your daydreams take you, and what fears might be holding you back from pursuing your curiosities.
Stacy London, fashion icon and former host of TLC's "What Not to Wear," experienced a profound identity crisis at age forty-six when the fashion industry suddenly stopped calling. After a decade defining style, she found herself rejected when pitching shows about middle age, told such concepts "weren't sexy." This wasn't London's first setback-being fired from a fashion magazine at twenty-six had actually redirected her career toward styling real people of all sizes, ultimately leading to her television success.
Neuroscience shows rejection triggers physical pain similar to physical injuries-our brains light up in the same way when experiencing social rejection as when experiencing bodily harm. Adam Grant explains that rejection particularly hurts when it threatens our identity, especially if we see our work as a reflection of who we are. The solution lies in recognizing our multiple identities-when one is threatened, we can lean on others.
London's transformation continued as she connected with communities like TueNight, where women share authentic stories about their "grown-ass lives." Her breakthrough came when she realized how her insecurities had shaped her career choices: "I got into the menopause industry for the same reason I got into fashion-insecurity." After researching her symptoms, London acquired State of Menopause, becoming CEO and immediately making the brand more inclusive by removing gendered language. She organized the first-ever Menopause CEO summit, sparking what The New York Times called "the Menopause Gold Rush."
第 8 章
From Superpower to Purpose
The Setback Cycle's progression leads us to discover what we can do with our unique abilities. Shoshanna Hecht frames this as finding your "special sauce" and applying it to something new-essentially identifying your transferable skills. Your superpower isn't merely talent but the intersection of what you excel at and what you love.
As Robin Arzon says, "Talent is just a starting point. Hard work beats lazy talent." Using the movie "A League of Their Own" as an example, Kit's true superpower wasn't baseball skill but her drive and determination that made her successful in her passion. Chantel Prat's research confirms that motivation is perhaps the greatest predictor of success: "Most things worth doing are hard... When the brain decides whether to attempt learning something new, it's estimating whether this will be rewarding based on your values."
Fashion legend Norma Kamali's story exemplifies how superpowers emerge through setbacks. Despite earning a Fashion Institute of Technology scholarship, she initially disliked conventional styles. After graduation, she worked at Northwest Orient Airlines to travel the world, where London's vibrant fashion scene inspired her. She secretly opened a shop called Kamali while still at the airline, creating progressive designs.
Her boldest designs included "hot pants" and the revolutionary sleeping bag coat in 1975, which birthed the entire puffer jacket industry after she got the idea while camping. Her setback came through her husband Eddie, who managed the store's finances but spent company money on his social life and was unfaithful. With only $98 to her name, Kamali walked away from everything, entering a freeze state before eventually asking for help. She launched OMO ("On My Own") in 1978, innovating with sweatshirt fabric in unprecedented ways. Three years later, her brand went global with $11 million in business.
Discovering your superpower can be done by answering simple questions about what feels effortless to you but difficult for others, what people say when they brag about you, what you see more clearly than others, or what would fall apart if you left. Often, those around you can identify your superpower more easily than you can see it yourself.
第 9 章
The Power of Community During Setbacks
Emily and Amelia Nagoski in their book "Burnout" describe social connection as a form of nourishment similar to food-our specific needs may change throughout our lives, but the fundamental requirement for connection remains constant. In this framework, isolation and loneliness represent hunger and thirst.
As more social interactions have shifted to digital spaces over the past decade, psychologists and the U.S. Surgeon General have warned of a growing loneliness epidemic that negatively impacts mental and physical health, even reducing life expectancy. When interviewing founders, we frequently hear stories of failure and uncertainty, but the golden nugget moment is almost always community-oriented-realizing that if they're struggling with something, others likely are too. This realization often births great ideas that benefit entire communities.
Susan McPherson, a serial connector known for asking "How can I help you?", views communities as constellations where each person forms part of a larger vision. This imagery helps us see ourselves connected within a broader picture, though the patterns of connection aren't always immediately visible. Like our ancestors who created constellations to make sense of the night sky, our communities help us interpret our world, offering new perspectives and validation.
Many people struggle to fully explore their constellation of connections, feeling uncomfortable reaching out to strangers or reconnecting with those from their past. Daniel Pink notes that loss of connection ranks among the top four regrets people have at life's end. We often hesitate to reconnect with distant relationships, but this is a "colossal mistake"-reconnection is almost always less awkward than anticipated.
Beyond emotional fulfillment, strong social connections may even increase longevity. Harvard Health Publishing suggests relationships provide an emotional support network during times of chronic stress and crisis. Even "weak ties"-those casual, infrequent relationships like the barista who knows your order-can be beneficial for both emotional wellbeing and professional opportunities.
Nicole Stipp and Kaitlyn Soligan, best friends since their early careers in Washington D.C., turned their shared love of whiskey into a community-building venture in Louisville, Kentucky. They launched Matson & Gilman in 2016-a travel company named after two trailblazing whiskey women from history. When customer requests shifted toward tasting experiences rather than distillery tours, they evolved their business and opened Trouble Bar in 2019, the first women-owned whiskey bar in downtown Louisville. The bar became not just a whiskey establishment but a true community hub, designed to be inclusive and welcoming for women, people with disabilities, and LGBTQ+ individuals.
第 10 章
Taking the First Step Forward
Moving from planning to action can be terrifying yet liberating. Even after processing setbacks and understanding options, taking that first step forward often feels impossible. As Dr. Casarella notes, once the logical planning is done, you must confront the feelings-questions about comfort, risk, relationships, and identity. Sometimes you simply need rest before lurching forward, giving yourself grace as you climb out of the gray.
Chef Palak Patel was on the verge of opening her dream restaurant in New York's Hudson Yards in late 2019, with investors and half a million dollars lined up. When the pandemic hit in early 2020, she fled to her parents' home in Atlanta with just a backpack, thinking she'd return in a month. As investors pulled out and her dream collapsed, Patel found herself in her childhood bedroom, mourning her old life while meditating and practicing yoga daily. Initially feeling like a failure for leaving New York, she gradually realized she'd tied her identity too closely to a place and lifestyle.
We possess an internal "monitor" that tracks our goals, efforts, and progress. When this monitor notices we're investing significant energy with minimal progress, we may recategorize goals from attainable to unattainable, pushing us toward quitting. The Nagoski sisters describe this as falling "off an emotional cliff into a pit of despair." Fortunately, "positive reappraisal" allows us to consciously decide that difficult efforts remain worthwhile, reframing failures as growth opportunities without slipping into toxic positivity.
Roshan Shah recommends the ABC approach to goal setting: Plan A is the Ideal Plan (your desired outcome); Plan B is the Backup Plan (a refocused, attainable alternative); and Plan C is the Safety Net (another meaningful pivot if A and B fail). Writing out goals using this framework helps prevent getting stuck in shame cycles by normalizing pivots and promoting adaptability.
After settling in Atlanta, Patel gradually entered the Explore phase. Though she hadn't formally scenario-planned, she had moved to Plan B, buying a house and establishing roots. Her superpower remained sharing her passion for flavor and gathering people over food. When she discovered an empty food stall in a new hip food hall, it opened the door to her Emerge phase. One year after moving to Atlanta, she opened Dash and Chutney, serving casual Indian street food. By 2023, she was looking to expand, having accomplished more in three years in Atlanta than in ten years in New York.
第 11 章
Finding Your North Star
How do we make monumental decisions when emerging from setbacks? The Emerge phase begins with the defining question: what now? For indecisive people, having a framework helps tremendously. Shoshanna Hecht suggests starting small with a "Have, Do, Be" framework-envisioning what you want to have, do, and be in five years. When connected to these drivers, choices become clearer and setting boundaries becomes easier.
Understanding your purpose serves as a powerful decision-making tool and boundary-setting mechanism. Once your North Star is clear, you can evaluate which commitments deserve your time and energy. Just as we write brand mission statements in marketing work, we should create personal mission statements. This process involves identifying your values, recognizing the emotional and functional benefits you offer others, listing your key attributes, and defining your goals. By connecting these elements, you can distill your purpose into one or two sentences.
Cate Luzio's purpose-driven leadership led her to leave banking and create Luminary, a professional education and networking platform for women. Growing up as the only girl on her block, Luzio developed early leadership skills through sports and her father's lessons about perseverance. During her two-decade banking career, she noticed other women struggling in male-dominated environments and created The Whisper Network, a dinner series where women could candidly discuss workplace challenges. Recognizing her superpower for cultivating community, Luzio left banking and launched Luminary in 2018, creating a space for women at all career stages to connect, learn, and grow.
The #girlboss movement emerged post-2016 as women sought alternatives to male-dominated coworking environments, spawning spaces like The Wing, The Riveter, Chief, and Luminary between 2017-2019. However, the movement soon faced backlash as female founders faced disproportionate scrutiny compared to their male counterparts. By early 2020, Luminary was thriving with over 200 events and a new rooftop bar called "The Glass Ceiling." Then COVID-19 hit. Luzio, demonstrating confident humility, quickly pivoted to virtual events while battling the virus herself. Despite losing 80% of revenue, her team chose pay cuts over layoffs, united by their commitment to supporting women through career transitions-Luzio's unwavering North Star.
第 12 章
Creative Rebirth
Transformation rarely announces itself at the moment our world falls apart-that "oh, fuck" moment. But emerging from setbacks feels victorious, as disruption leads to transformation. Roshan Shah notes that hitting rock bottom can catalyze forward movement: "Feeling like you have nothing left to lose offers you the opportunity to take a bigger risk."
Yet not every difficult experience constitutes trauma-as Adam Grant distinguishes between life-altering pain and mere discomfort. Setbacks range from everyday microsetbacks to life-changing events, and our response matters most. Some fear failure, while others, as Dr. Michelle Casarella observes, fear success-like her ABD friend who hesitated completing her dissertation, fearing shifting household dynamics.
To move forward, Dr. Casarella suggests asking what you want people to say at your funeral, beyond generic roles: Did you get it? Did you do it? Did you become who you want to be? What legacy will you leave?
As society emerges from collective setbacks, we can follow the example of inspirational leaders who've navigated their own setback cycles, forging paths through the "squishy, squiggly S." The Setback Cycle provides a roadmap-Establish your situation, Embrace the reality, Explore your options, and Emerge with purpose. As Norma Kamali noted, "Disruptive times really open the door for new ideas."
We will all face setbacks, but with this framework, we can approach them with intention, flexibility and adaptability. The stories shared throughout this journey prove that setbacks can lead to flourishing, as demonstrated by Reshma Saujani, Amanda Goetz, Palak Patel, Stacy London, Blessing Adesiyan, and Cyrus Veyssi-all continuing their journeys with renewed purpose.
Remember that while setbacks may feel like endings, they're often the beginning of something far more aligned with your true self. The chrysalis isn't a coffin-it's the birthplace of wings.
