Chapitre 4
Overcoming Limiting Mindsets: The First Step to Status Management
Before you can effectively manage your status, you must first recognize and overcome the limiting mindsets that hold women back. Fragale identifies five common mental barriers that prevent women from taking control of their status:
The first limiting mindset is "I'm an imposter"-doubting our skills and talents while fearing exposure as frauds. This psychological pandemic affects even highly successful women like Tina Fey, Justice Sonia Sotomayor, Maya Angelou, and Arianna Huffington. The good news: occasionally feeling like an imposter is actually evidence that you're not one. True imposters never question their competence.
Research shows that imposter syndrome stems from the gap between our achievements and aspirations. A negotiation study revealed that candidates with ambitious goals achieved better outcomes but felt less satisfied than those with modest expectations. Rather than trying to eliminate imposter syndrome, we should reframe it as evidence of our high aspirations.
The second mindset, "I don't want to be a 'status-seeker,'" reflects our discomfort with strategic self-promotion. Many women resist status management because it feels inauthentic or manipulative. But managing status isn't about chasing recognition-it's ensuring your contributions are properly valued. The key is being both authentic AND strategic, what psychologist Bob Cialdini calls being a "sleuth" rather than a "bungler" (authentic but ineffective) or "smuggler" (effective but dishonest).
The third limiting belief, "I don't care what other people think of me," misinterprets well-intentioned advice. While it sounds empowering, this mindset ignores that your status exists entirely in others' minds. High-status people have the freedom not to care what others think, but not caring isn't an effective strategy for gaining status. We should replace indifference with effectiveness: "It's cool to get others to see me as I truly am, a serious likeable badass."
The fourth mindset, "I'm just one of the guys," can boost confidence but becomes problematic when it makes you think managing your status is unnecessary. Even if you don't focus on your gender, others will. As Stacy Brown-Philpot discovered in India, people assumed men were in charge regardless of her position. Amy Trask, despite being the highest-ranking woman in NFL history, was once mistaken for a secretary.
Finally, the "I don't have time for this" mindset fails to recognize that status management should be prioritized above almost everything else. Unlike "nonpromotable tasks" that help others but not yourself, status management directly advances your own interests-making it easier to get what you want and live the life you desire. The best news? Building status doesn't necessarily require extra time but rather doing what you're already doing slightly differently.
Chapitre 5
Tell Your Story: The Art of Strategic Self-Promotion
Showing up as a likeable badass begins with telling your story effectively. Your "story" includes any information about you that originates with you: conversations, emails, social media profiles, bios, and resumes. Self-promotion is critical to building status-if you don't tell a good story about yourself, no one else will either.
Women who advance quickly often learn early to tell strong stories about themselves. Meghana Dhar discovered this at Instagram when her manager advised her to observe how her peer Walt was widely sharing his accomplishments through internal messaging, meetings, and newsletters. After implementing similar strategies-sending weekly updates and hosting cross-functional meetings that showcased her team's work-Meghana quickly received the highest performance rating and was promoted. She realized doing 90% of the work with self-promotion was better than doing 150% without it.
Two counterproductive tendencies hurt our stories: hiding our successes and advertising our failures. We engage in these habits thinking they protect our Warmth, but research shows they actually backfire and threaten our status.
The first bad habit is hiding success in three ways:
1) Concealing achievements: Over 80% of adults have hidden accomplishments from others. When people eventually discover our success from someone else, they feel insulted that we didn't trust them to handle our good news.
2) Humblebragging: Masking achievements in complaints or false humility (e.g., "I hate watching myself on TV"). Research shows humblebragging makes people seem insincere and less likeable than straightforward bragging.
3) Rejecting compliments or gratitude: Between 70-95% of people deflect praise. This habit stems from embarrassment or the mistaken belief that minimizing praise makes us seem warmer. In reality, rejecting a compliment is like returning a gift unopened-it hurts both your Warmth (seeming ungrateful) and Assertiveness (people believe your self-criticism).
The second bad habit is advertising failures through self-deprecation and unnecessary apologies. When we mock our intelligence, others see us as less intelligent; when we joke about our appearance, others see us as less attractive. Similarly, constant apologizing for insignificant matters signals powerless speech, threatening our Assertiveness without increasing our Warmth.
Self-promotion is far less risky than we fear, especially when directed at busy, powerful people. Research conducted by Fragale with Adam Grant confirmed this: when people are distracted, they remember *what* they heard (positive information) but forget *where* they heard it (from you directly). Don't fear self-promotion, especially to busy, powerful people who can advance your career.
When ready to embrace self-promotion, start with these strategies in increasing order of boldness:
1) **Automate**: Use out-of-office email replies strategically to showcase your demand while maintaining warmth through personal touches.
2) **Praise**: Combine self-promotion with genuine appreciation for others, which research confirms effectively conveys both Assertiveness and Warmth.
3) **Outsource**: Enlist someone else to craft your story, particularly for resumes and bios where women tend to describe job duties rather than accomplishments.
4) **Practice**: Prepare for everyday questions like "How are you?" with responses that showcase your likeable badass qualities rather than defaulting to "fine" or "busy."
Chapitre 6
Recruit an Army of Other-Promoters: The Power of Strategic Relationships
Building your reputation isn't a solo endeavor-you need others to amplify your story. Other-promoters-people who describe you as a likeable badass when you're not around-are invaluable for two reasons: they're more effective (seen as credible with no warmth penalty) and more efficient (one person can only reach so many people directly).
Research confirms this advantage-when comparing reactions to identical information presented either as self-promotion or other-promotion, candidates always gained equal or greater status when promoted by others. The key difference? Perceived warmth remained intact when someone else did the talking.
To build your army of other-promoters, three sequential steps must occur:
1. People need to know who you exist (visibility)
2. They need to see you as a likeable badass (reputation)
3. They need motivation to share this perception with others (advocacy)
First, expand the circle of people who know you exist by leveraging the power of mere exposure-the psychological phenomenon showing that the more we're exposed to something (or someone), the more we like it. The Eiffel Tower demonstrates this principle perfectly-initially condemned as "useless and monstrous" by French artists, it became beloved through constant visibility.
To maximize mere exposure, introduce yourself with your full name, create email signatures with your photo, cc people liberally on emails, include your name in document filenames, put your name in presentation footers, wear name tags at events, distribute business cards, use personalized stationery, and leverage social media strategically. Being uniquely memorable amplifies mere exposure's effect-like Robin Arzon, now a famous Peloton instructor, who stood out at her first ultramarathon by wearing gold jewelry, winged eyeliner, and red lipstick.
Next, transform acquaintances into other-promoters through "small deposits"-low-effort actions that create a sense of reciprocity. Research shows the power of small deposits: a survey with $1 enclosed (40.7% response rate) dramatically outperformed both no incentive (20.7%) and a promised $50 payment upon completion (23.3%).
The likeable badass makes strategic small deposits by giving "more Assertively"-adding value while showcasing confidence, competence and contributions. Giving advice (when welcome) is particularly effective as it conveys both Warmth and Assertiveness. Find your area of expertise-professional or personal-and develop shareable advice.
Finally, motivate others to promote you by: 1) promoting others first-especially women, people of color, and members of other systemically excluded groups, and 2) simply asking people to promote you! When you ask people who already think highly of you to speak well of you to others, they're typically happy to help.
The email introduction is Fragale's secret weapon for generating other-promotion. Rather than buying someone coffee (which is forgettable), she ends every conversation with a new person by offering to introduce them to two people in her network who could benefit them. This strategy has earned her multiple other-promoters, speaking engagements, and valuable connections-a tremendous return on investment compared to simply buying someone coffee.
Chapitre 7
Get What You Want (And Make Them Love You For It): The Art of Self-Advocacy
The central challenge women face is the perceived tradeoff between Assertiveness and Warmth when advocating for ourselves. We worry that asking for what we want will make others like us less. However, Fragale argues that it's possible to advocate for yourself while building status rather than destroying it.
Assertiveness not only builds status but also changes how others behave in your presence. Research with Lara Tiedens confirmed that in every interaction there's only one "alpha dog." When someone displays assertive body language, others instinctively become more submissive. Conversely, submissive behavior from one person encourages assertiveness in others.
This means if you're not the alpha, someone else will be. Failing to advocate for yourself leads to others becoming more demanding while offering you less. However, when you consistently show up as assertive, self-advocacy becomes easier as people adjust their behavior around you.
Being assertive isn't without risk, but the solution isn't becoming submissive. Women aren't penalized for assertiveness itself but for the absence of warmth. Unlike assertiveness which is countered with submission, warmth is mimicked-when you're warm, others respond with warmth. This creates ideal conditions for self-advocacy: your assertiveness encourages submission while your warmth encourages friendliness.
The author recommends several evidence-based strategies that work even with strangers:
1) **Start Early**: Don't procrastinate when asking for what you want. Starting early allows you to float ideas before needing immediate answers, giving others time to warm up to your requests.
2) **Meet Face-to-Face**: Advocate in person or via video call rather than email whenever possible. It's easier to signal warmth through visible nonverbal cues like facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice.
3) **Chit-Chat Warmly**: Use small talk strategically to demonstrate warmth before advocating. Find genuine points of connection with others, even when you appear different.
4) **Move First**: Contrary to popular belief, research shows first-movers in negotiations typically get better deals. Making the first offer shapes how others define a "good deal."
5) **Present Three Solutions**: For those afraid of making extreme first offers, present three options simultaneously. Research shows presenting three options (not more) makes you appear more trustworthy, flexible, cooperative, and sincere.
6) **Always Answer "What's in It for Me?"**: The key to maintaining warmth while getting what you want is figuring out what others desire and providing it. Highlighting benefits to others signals you care about their well-being, conveying warmth.
7) **Get an Agent**: Sometimes you aren't the best messenger for your own requests. Find someone else to advocate on your behalf using a simple formula: "I want X from Person Y. Person Y thinks highly of you. Would you be willing to ask them on my behalf?"
8) **Collect Nos**: Challenge yourself to intentionally seek rejection by making requests until ten different people say "no" to ten different requests. This practice helps calibrate your understanding of where the boundary between "yes" and "no" actually lies.
Chapitre 8
Start with the End: Using Your Status Strategically
Making strategic choices about when to use your hard-earned status is crucial. Many women hoard status like unused airline miles, saving it for a future need that may never come. The likeable badass understands that status must be both earned and leveraged.
Rather than making impulsive decisions that you might regret later, work backward from your desired future. When deciding whether to spend status, consider if it benefits your long-term goals. Two exercises can help clarify your priorities: the Retirement Party Speeches and the View from the Rocking Chair.
For the Retirement Party Speeches exercise, imagine your retirement party and the speeches people will give about you. Identify your top three desired contributions (marks you want to make on the world) and top three characteristics (qualities you embody). By prioritizing just three items in each category, you acknowledge that tradeoffs in life are inevitable.
The Rocking Chair exercise helps clarify personal priorities that should guide your status choices. For Samantha, it revealed her priority was financial security to care for herself and aging parents, travel, and eventually switch careers-making preserving her relationship with Matt the right choice despite his insult.
Your status is earned to be used-for yourself and others. Amy Schulman advises using your status to help others succeed through introductions, compliments, and standing up for principles.
Chapitre 9
Mentoring the Next Generation: Passing on the Likeable Badass Legacy
Many people falsely believe mentorship requires finding a single perfect person who can teach them everything. Instead, Fragale advocates for "fractional mentorship"-seeking multiple mentors who each provide different pieces of guidance. This approach has two key advantages: it lowers the stakes on both sides and provides more holistic guidance through diverse perspectives.
As Felecia Carty discovered during her career transition, "Anyone who knows more than you is a mentor"-she benefited from over forty different mentors during her job search. The fractional approach allows you to select mentors for specific skills like executive presence or authentic self-promotion.
Mentoring others builds your likeable badass reputation as effectively as being mentored. Offering advice demonstrates Assertive Warmth by positioning you as an expert who helps others. For maximum reputation benefit, ensure your mentoring is visible-incorporate it into your story, mention your "open-door office hours" or formal mentoring relationships in casual conversations.
Don't wait until you feel like an expert to mentor others. You're already a Level 5 expert in something, regardless of your age or experience. Finding mentees takes effort-over two-thirds of women report never mentoring because no one asked them. Use the one-conversation-at-a-time approach: invite people to coffee, express genuine interest in them, listen for areas where you can provide guidance, and casually offer assistance.
While publicly putting yourself down risks people believing your self-criticism, mentoring relationships are the appropriate place to share your struggles and doubts. Being honest about your challenges serves two purposes: it helps your mentors give you better guidance, and it makes you a better mentor by showing those who look up to you that success includes ups and downs.
Chapitre 10
Playing the Long Game: Becoming a Likeable Badass for Life
When practicing new skills, you'll likely feel worse before feeling better. The Dunning-Kruger effect explains why: those with low competence overestimate their abilities while the highly skilled tend to underestimate theirs. This psychological phenomenon is particularly evident when developing interpersonal skills. As you become more conscious about projecting Assertive Warmth, you'll notice more opportunities for improvement - from your body language during meetings to your tone in emails. This heightened awareness doesn't mean you're failing-it's actually evidence of your growing expertise and developing mastery.
The journey to becoming a likeable badass involves multiple micro-skills: vocal tonality, body language, emotional intelligence, timing, and situational awareness. As you identify areas for improvement, focus on just one or two changes at a time. As former Division 1 golfer Tara Flickinger wisely noted: "Don't have too many swing thoughts." Trying to correct ten aspects of your golf swing simultaneously guarantees poor results. The same applies to interpersonal skills - attempting to simultaneously modify your posture, maintain eye contact, speak more slowly, and gesture naturally will likely result in awkward interactions. Instead, focus on one or two critical improvements until they become muscle memory, then move to the next.
While this book offers more strategies than any one person could implement immediately, don't let this overwhelm you. Think of these tools as a buffet - sample what appeals to you, master those techniques, then return for more when ready. Our goal remains simple: Be as Assertive and Warm as possible, as often as possible, to as many people as possible. This behavior, most within our control, helps us achieve the status and power we deserve while building genuine connections with others.
When feeling overwhelmed or undervalued in challenging situations - whether it's a high-stakes presentation, a difficult conversation with a colleague, or managing team conflict - return to basics. Take a breath, ground yourself, and ask, "What is one thing I can do in this moment to project Assertive Warmth?" Maybe it's maintaining steady eye contact, speaking with conviction, or showing genuine interest in others' perspectives. Follow that instinct, and you've shown up as a likeable badass.
Remember that mastery is a journey, not a destination. Even seasoned leaders and communicators continuously refine their approach. The key is consistent practice and patience with yourself as you develop these skills. Small improvements compound over time, gradually transforming how others perceive and respond to you in both professional and personal contexts.
