Chapitre 1
The Power of Words: Transforming Your Life Through Communication
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to effortlessly connect with others while you struggle to make your point? The answer might be simpler than you think. In "Am I Making Myself Clear?", Terry Felber reveals the lost art of communication that transformed the lives of historical giants like Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa. Drawing from his 25 years of experience building relationships with hundreds of thousands of people through Amway, Felber shares how mastering communication can dramatically improve every aspect of your life. This book has become required reading in many corporate training programs, with Oprah Winfrey once citing it as one of her favorite resources for developing authentic connections. As communication breakdowns increasingly plague our digital society, Felber's timeless wisdom offers a roadmap to more meaningful relationships and greater personal success. After all, as he powerfully demonstrates, it's not just what you say, but how you say it that can change everything.
Chapitre 2
Beyond Words: The Hidden Language of Body and Expression
When we think about communication, we often focus exclusively on our words, but research shows that only 8% of our message comes through verbal content. The remaining 92% flows through nonverbal channels - our facial expressions, eye contact, posture, and gestures. This unspoken language often speaks louder than words ever could.
Our faces serve as mirrors to our minds, communicating thoughts more effectively than verbal expression. A genuine smile requires just 26 muscles compared to the 62 needed for frowning, yet its impact is immeasurable. Holiday Inn understands this power so well that when hiring 500 people for a new facility, they rejected candidates who smiled fewer than four times during interviews. A warm, authentic smile communicates approval, love, and appreciation while naturally drawing others toward us.
Eye contact proves equally crucial in nonverbal communication. Our eyes twinkle with excitement, redden with sadness, and glower with hostility - allowing us to engage, connect with, or withdraw from conversation. Looking someone directly in the eyes conveys interest, respect, and confidence, while avoiding eye contact suggests distrust or poor self-image.
The expressions we wear most frequently become etched into our faces through muscle memory. Some people maintain a chronic expression of disappointment while others radiate joy - naturally, we prefer the company of the latter. This explains why certain people seem to light up rooms while others cast shadows merely by entering.
Our body language often communicates messages entirely different from our words. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian found that 38% of a speaker's message comes through vocal tone and 55% through body language. To build trust, face others directly - nose to nose, toes to toes - rather than at an angle which might appear dismissive. Cultural awareness matters too; appropriate personal space varies from two feet in European countries to one foot or less in many Asian countries.
Good posture communicates self-confidence and actually improves health. William Danforth, founder of Ralston Purina, believed "When a man sits straight, he thinks straight." Slouching suggests insecurity, while standing tall projects confidence and competence. A proper handshake - neither too soft (indicating lack of confidence) nor too strong (suggesting arrogance) - creates critical first impressions. Practicing good eye contact while shaking hands enhances the connection even further.
By becoming more conscious of these nonverbal dimensions, you'll create more rewarding relationships in every area of life. Remember: you cannot not communicate - even silence sends a powerful message.
Chapitre 3
First Impressions: The Visual Impact of Your Presence
We judge people by appearance just as we judge books by covers. Emily Post noted that "Clothes are to us what fur and feathers are to beasts and birds; they not only add to our appearance, but they are our appearance." Your visual presentation communicates volumes before you utter a single word in any business or social setting.
Proper grooming forms the foundation of a good appearance. Beyond basic hygiene like bathing and brushing teeth, details matter: clean fingernails, neat hair, modest makeup, appropriate cologne, fresh breath, and consistent use of deodorant. These elements aren't merely cosmetic - they directly impact how receptive others are to your message.
Your clothing speaks volumes before you say a word. Rather than waiting to dress well after achieving success, dress for success first. Classic, traditional attire generally works better than chasing every fashion trend. Men should choose simple ties and crisp shirts while avoiding novelty patterns. Always err on the side of overdressing rather than underdressing, as it shows respect for others. Studies show that formal attire increases productivity - from President Bush's suit-wearing White House to uniformed high school students who perform better academically.
Maintain your clothing meticulously - pressed shirts, polished shoes, no missing buttons or tears. If unsure what looks good, shop with a well-dressed friend. Remember that horizontal stripes make you appear larger, vertical stripes slimmer, and black is always slimming. Women should maintain professional appearance with appropriate hemlines and necklines.
Maintaining a healthy weight increases confidence in communication. Finally, accept what you can't change - many successful people like Clint Eastwood (squinty eyes), John Milton (blindness), Beethoven (deafness), and FDR (polio) achieved greatness despite physical limitations.
Think about how you present yourself to the world. Are you communicating competence, attention to detail, and self-respect through your appearance? Or are you unintentionally sending signals that undermine your message before you even begin speaking? Your appearance is the opening paragraph of your personal communication - make sure it tells the story you want to share.
Chapitre 4
The Gift of Attention: Valuing Others Through Genuine Interest
Communication is the material with which we build relationships. The greatest gift we can give others is our full attention to their existence. As Stephen Covey wisely advised: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." When we demonstrate genuine interest in others, we transform into effective communicators who build lasting connections.
Empathy-understanding someone else's situation-is more than a skill; it's a character trait that wins followers, children, and employees. A Harvard Business School study found that the most effective U.S. presidents possessed five traits, including empathy for others. This quality requires seeing beyond how situations impact ourselves-being others-focused rather than self-focused.
Cecil Rhodes perfectly demonstrated this trait when entertaining a young man who arrived for dinner in shabby clothes. Noticing his guest's discomfort among formally dressed attendees, Rhodes quietly excused himself and changed from his evening wear into an old suit. This simple act immediately put his guest at ease. True empathy doesn't come naturally-we're inherently self-oriented-but it can be learned through conscious practice.
To demonstrate genuine interest in others:
1. Remember people's names-the sweetest sound to anyone's ears. Dale Carnegie observed that "a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language." Make a conscious effort to remember and use names in conversation.
2. Respond to messages quickly-within 24 hours. When someone reaches out via phone, email, or text, prompt responses communicate that they matter to you. Delayed replies suggest their message was unimportant.
3. Make what matters to others matter to you. When someone shares their interests or concerns, engage authentically rather than waiting for your turn to speak. Ask follow-up questions that show you're truly listening.
By practicing these principles, you'll build trust in both personal and professional relationships. People naturally gravitate toward those who make them feel valued and understood. As you develop genuine interest in others, you'll discover that the quality of all your relationships improves dramatically. Remember: people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
Chapitre 5
The Silent Art: Mastering the Power of Listening
While most people think four times faster than they listen, true communication requires genuine engagement rather than simply waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening communicates sincere interest more effectively than anything else you can do. It means tuning in to one station at a time, giving undivided attention that tells others "what you say is important."
Consider the story of a fourteen-year-old clerk who established relationships with famous figures like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford simply by listening to their stories. His name? Samuel Walton, who later founded Walmart. His ability to listen attentively became the foundation of his business success.
Remember that listening is active, not passive. It requires constantly reading your partner's intent and communicating that you're engaged. Many relationship problems can be solved by practicing these four steps of active listening:
1. Pause what you're doing completely. Put down your phone, turn away from your computer, and stop whatever task occupies your hands. Multi-tasking while someone speaks communicates that they're not important enough for your full attention.
2. Look at the person with direct eye contact. Your gaze signals engagement and respect. When you look elsewhere during conversation, you suggest disinterest or distraction.
3. Listen to both words and tone. The emotional content of communication often resides in how something is said rather than what is said. Pay attention to vocal inflections, pace, and emphasis.
4. Respond appropriately with both verbal and nonverbal cues. Nod, smile, and offer brief affirmations like "I see" or "I understand" to show you're following along. Ask clarifying questions that demonstrate you're processing their message.
Developing genuine interest in others requires conscious effort but yields exciting results. When people feel truly heard, they're more likely to trust you, confide in you, and value your input. Ironically, by speaking less and listening more, you become a more influential communicator.
Think about your most recent conversations. Were you fully present, or was your mind wandering to what you would say next? Challenge yourself to become a better listener today by focusing completely on understanding rather than responding. You might be surprised by how much more you learn-and how much more others enjoy talking with you.
Chapitre 6
The Conversational Dance: Speaking with Impact and Intention
A good conversation requires specific ingredients, just like a recipe. To communicate effectively, choose words carefully-as Mark Twain noted, "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." Roosevelt demonstrated this by changing "world history" to "infamy" in his famous Pearl Harbor speech, creating words that lived forever in history.
Develop a strong vocabulary without overintellectualizing. While the average American's vocabulary has shrunk from fifty thousand to fifteen thousand words over the past fifty years, building a robust word bank remains essential for effective conversation. However, balance is key-as John Wayne cautioned against intellectuals who "take more words than necessary to tell more than they know." The goal isn't to impress but to communicate clearly and efficiently.
Speak the other person's language by asking questions about both personal and professional interests. Good salespeople understand this principle-questions not only gather information but build connection. Everyone loves talking about themselves, and given the opportunity, most people eagerly share their experiences, dreams, and triumphs.
Discover the power of laughter to disarm others and create connection. As Dostoyevsky suggested, watching someone laugh reveals their character. People are naturally drawn to those with easy laughter who brighten rooms with well-timed humor. While not everyone is naturally funny, collecting tasteful jokes can help-though negative humor and sarcasm should be avoided. Preschoolers laugh 450 times daily compared to adults' 15 times, explaining their healthier, less stressful lives.
Learn to articulate well by speaking slowly and clearly while completing your thoughts. Fast talkers often make listeners uncomfortable or rushed, while not finishing sentences suggests disinterest in the conversation. Taking time to concentrate on your words and delivering them with confidence significantly improves communication quality.
Avoid profanity which indicates a lack of appropriate vocabulary and may offend others. Your goal is to communicate effectively with as broad an audience as possible, and there's no way to know whether profanity will alienate your listener.
Protect others' dignity by never unnecessarily correcting someone with others around. If someone tells a story with minor inaccuracies that don't affect the main point, resist the urge to publicly correct them. When someone irritates you in public-an employee says something inappropriate or your spouse embarrasses you-do nothing in the moment. Wait for a private conversation to express your feelings. You'll win people for life when they know you protect their dignity in front of others.
Chapitre 7
Being Real: The Transformative Power of Authenticity
Authenticity means saying what you mean and meaning what you say in a way that promotes positive relationships. Without this quality, relationships become strained, communication cloudy, and intentions unclear. Just as translation mistakes caused confusion for companies like Braniff Airlines (whose slogan "Fly in Leather" became "Fly Naked" in Spanish) and General Motors (whose Nova car name meant "Doesn't Go" in Spanish), unclear intentions and manipulative behavior create communication breakdowns between people.
Your actions and words fall into one of three categories: passiveness, aggressiveness, or assertiveness. Passiveness reflects low self-esteem and inability to express what you actually think. Aggressiveness is one-sided, fails to consider others' feelings, and creates defensiveness. Assertiveness-the ideal approach-communicates forthrightness while empowering others.
Five keys to developing assertiveness include:
1. Using specifics rather than generalities-"You interrupted me three times during yesterday's meeting" instead of "You never let me talk"
2. Pointing to behaviors rather than motives-"When you checked your phone during our conversation" instead of "You don't care about what I'm saying"
3. Remaining objective rather than judgmental-describing situations factually rather than with loaded emotional language
4. Getting right to the point-as Churchill advised, "If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver"
5. Talking to the right person-addressing concerns directly with those who can resolve them
Genuine authenticity also requires accurate self-awareness and commitment to continuous improvement. Give your friends permission to tell you the truth-if your enemies are the first to tell you your faults, you don't have any friends. Don't make excuses or blame others for your mistakes. As the saying goes, "Losers make excuses; winners make money."
Beware of manipulation tactics that undermine authentic communication:
• The Lying Game: Swaying opinions through commission (intentional lying) or omission (withholding assumed information)
• The Anger Game: Using negative emotion to manipulate situations
• The Crying Game: Using tears to halt open communication
• The God-Card Game: Claiming divine direction to manipulate situations
• The Role Game: Misusing position and authority for personal advantage
Remember that if you're doing something significant, you will be criticized. As Theodore Roosevelt said, "It is not the critic who counts," but the person "in the arena" who strives valiantly despite errors. Consider critics, but don't live by them. As Jean Paul Getty noted, "When you stick your head above the crowd, you can expect a few tomatoes thrown your way."
Chapitre 8
Lifting Others: The Transformative Art of Encouragement
Encouragement is the catalyst to success, the engine of motivation, and the fuel that prepares great leaders. Almost every recognized leader can point to someone whose encouraging words helped make their dreams reality. As William Arthur Ford noted, "Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you."
Dale Carnegie suggested we change people like we change dogs-with bones rather than whips. Studies show teachers and parents make negative comments 75-90% of the time, with four positive statements needed to offset one negative comment. Praise is economical motivation that rewards hard work and increases future quality. In workplaces, praise reinforces positive culture, supports objectives, retains top performers, and increases enjoyment. Fred Sievert of New York Life discovered that simple appreciation yields incredible value: "Thank you for what you've done. I know you've put in extra time, and I see it."
People work for money but go the extra mile for recognition. Like the dog who brought eight neighbors' newspapers after being rewarded for one delivery, an "extra-mile mentality" develops when encouragement is given. This approach separates you from the pack and creates greater opportunities for success.
Mark Twain claimed he could "live for a year on a good compliment." Compliments benefit both giver and receiver, creating rapport and bonds that lead to positive communication. Everyone craves words of affirmation. Steven Covey described this as making "deposits" in emotional bank accounts, while criticism makes "withdrawals." Surveys show employees' biggest complaint is only hearing about mistakes. In marriage, spouses should be each other's greatest cheerleaders, significantly impacting each other's self-image.
Any leader knows the value of instilling hope and positivity in a group. As a communicator, you have a sacred responsibility to build hope in those around you through positive speech, thoughts, and actions. Use your words to encourage rather than discourage, build trust rather than suspicion, and instill confidence rather than despair. You possess a God-given spark of optimism that can illuminate an often-hopeless society. As John Maxwell says, "People will continue working, struggling, and trying if they have hope. Hope lifts morale. It improves self-esteem. It reenergizes people."
Great leaders like Winston Churchill have always understood optimism's power during dark times. His inspiring radio broadcasts during the Nazi bombing empowered the English people to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds. Challenge yourself to use encouragement to elevate others to their greatest potential.
Chapitre 9
Resolving Conflict: The Path to Harmonious Relationships
While marriage counselors often cite money and communication problems as the main reasons for divorce, the truth is that well-developed problem-solving skills can resolve any issue, including financial ones. The key is addressing potential disagreements before they escalate into full-blown conflicts-applying "preventive medicine" for relationship health.
Successful conflict resolution requires skill-confronting issues in non-abrasive ways through forthright discussion. Both parties should agree on foundational principles:
1. Nothing is a big deal-maintain perspective about the relative importance of issues
2. Forgive and forget past mistakes-avoid bringing up old wounds repeatedly
3. Maintain a low voice and speak slowly-emotional escalation makes resolution impossible
4. Depersonalize everything-focus on behaviors and situations, not character attacks
5. Recognize there are two sides to every story-be willing to see from the other's perspective
6. Ask for forgiveness when appropriate-take responsibility for your contribution to problems
7. Never discuss potential conflicts by phone-nonverbal cues are essential for understanding
8. Never talk about important matters when tired-fatigue compromises judgment and patience
These principles grease the wheels of productive discussion and prevent escalation. When two people can't work through differences, it's not because the problem is insurmountable-it's because they haven't developed sufficient problem-solving and communication skills. In such cases, bringing in a third party to mediate can help break the impasse and restore productive dialogue.
While we can't take material possessions beyond this life, Scripture tells us relationships are the one thing we can take with us. Relationships can be our greatest joy or deepest heartbreak. The art of problem-solving allows us to develop harmonious, loving relationships that become our most treasured possession.
Think about a current conflict in your life. How might applying these principles change the dynamic? Rather than avoiding difficult conversations, approach them with these tools and watch as seemingly insurmountable problems become opportunities for deeper connection.
Chapitre 10
Mind and Language: Harnessing the Science of Communication
Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) offers powerful techniques for more effective communication. The term combines "neuro" (mental processes), "linguistic" (language, both spoken and unspoken), and "programming" (recurring methods for problem-solving). NLP focuses on understanding the power, meaning, and associations our words produce, with three key principles: the power of goals, building rapport, and understanding representational systems.
A fundamental tenet of NLP is that specifically defining what we want programs our minds to create an environment that satisfies those desires. When the author's twelve-year-old daughter Lia was nervous about losing a citywide track meet, he suggested she visualize breaking the ribbon at the finish line. After dreaming of winning, she did exactly that-demonstrating how clear goals direct our mental programming toward success. Only 15% of people have clear life goals, 3% write them down, and these are typically life's achievers. Keeping specific goals visible daily and breaking them into manageable tasks dramatically increases success probability.
NLP helps develop the ability to understand others' models of the world. Building rapport comes from understanding representational systems and being aware of body language and tone. Mirroring is particularly effective-matching someone's speaking cadence, body position, and expressions creates an unconscious connection. When you validate another person's communication style by mirroring them, they'll feel in tune with you without understanding why.
People process information through different primary representational systems: visual (sight), auditory (hearing), kinesthetic (touch), olfactory (smell), and gustatory (taste). By identifying someone's preferred system and communicating from that perspective, you create stronger connections. The author illustrates this with three accounts of a family beach day: the kinesthetic wife remembers warmth and embraces, the visual husband recalls glowing sunsets and beautiful sights, while the auditory son remembers sounds of waves and seagulls.
You can identify someone's primary system by listening to their language patterns:
• Visual people say: "I see what you mean," "That looks right," or "I get the picture"
• Auditory people say: "That sounds good," "I hear you," or "That rings a bell"
• Kinesthetic people say: "I feel good about that," "That touched me," or "I grasp the concept"
By matching your communication style to their preferred system, you dramatically improve connection and understanding. For example, when explaining a concept to a visual person, use diagrams, charts, or vivid imagery. For an auditory person, focus on clear explanations with varied tone. For kinesthetic individuals, incorporate physical demonstrations or emotional language.
Recognizing these different perspectives dramatically improves communication effectiveness and helps you connect more deeply with everyone you encounter.
Chapitre 11
The Inner Conversation: Mastering the Art of Self-Talk
The person we communicate with most is ourselves through "self-talk," which shapes our self-image, happiness, and ultimate legacy. As Proverbs states, "As a person thinks in his heart, so is he." Our subconscious mind works to fulfill whatever expectations we create through our internal dialogue, whether positive or negative.
Unlike animals that merely react to stimuli, humans possess the unique ability to control their thoughts and emotions. We must take responsibility for our mental patterns rather than allowing them to float uncontrolled through our minds. Since emotions always follow thoughts, controlling emotions requires first controlling thoughts. When negative thoughts arise, we must displace them with positive self-talk-the mind cannot think two thoughts simultaneously. Breaking negative thinking patterns is a choice we can make daily.
Writing positive affirmations and reading them aloud can displace destructive thoughts of doubt and fear. Creating a personal mission statement provides focus when negative thoughts intrude. The author's family keeps a sign above their kitchen sink reading "Be Happy-A Decision," reminding them that happiness is a choice determined by thoughts, not circumstances. Maintaining a gratitude list helps cultivate an "attitude of gratitude" that displaces discouragement. As Abraham Lincoln noted, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
The quality of your self-talk directly influences your communication with others. When you consistently speak positively to yourself, you naturally communicate more positively with those around you. Your internal dialogue creates the foundation for all external communication.
Try this experiment: For one week, consciously monitor your self-talk. When you catch negative thoughts ("I can't do this," "I always mess up," "Nobody appreciates me"), immediately replace them with positive alternatives ("I'm learning and improving," "I've succeeded before and will again," "I contribute value to others"). Notice how this practice affects both your emotional state and your interactions with others.
Remember that mastering communication begins with mastering the conversation you have with yourself. As you develop more positive, encouraging self-talk, you'll find yourself naturally becoming a more effective communicator in every relationship.
