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The Art of Civil Discourse in a Divided World
In a world where shouting matches have replaced conversations and social media algorithms feed us only what we already believe, Milan Kordestani's "I'm Just Saying" arrives as a timely guide to rebuilding our capacity for meaningful dialogue. This book has garnered attention from communication experts and social psychologists alike, with figures like Brene Brown praising its practical approach to navigating difficult conversations. Unlike many works that merely diagnose our societal communication breakdown, Kordestani offers a pathway forward based on his own journey from argumentative teenager to founder of The Doe, an anonymous publishing platform that garnered nearly a million readers in its second year by creating space for controversial perspectives. What makes this work particularly compelling is how it transforms ancient wisdom about human connection into practical tools for modern discourse, showing that the ability to disagree productively isn't just possible-it's essential for democracy's survival.
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Finding Our Way Back to Connection
My journey into understanding discourse began with breeding turtles at thirteen-a business that taught me the delicate art of conversation, both with the animals and potential buyers. These experiences showed me how words carry weight and shape outcomes. Growing up wealthy in Silicon Valley, I witnessed people hoarding resources rather than giving back, which demotivated me. My parents' warnings that I would struggle because I didn't view success as "life or death" led to feelings of isolation-a fundamental human condition that disconnects us from different perspectives and hinders civil discourse.
When I entered Colorado College at seventeen, I expected diverse thinkers, open-minded discussions, and collective learning. Instead, I found an echo chamber where students feared voicing opinions that disagreed with professors. Rather than debating philosophers or discussing contentious issues, conformity reigned. My high school friends reported similar experiences at their colleges-students either shared like-minded views or remained silent about differing perspectives.
This realization led me to launch The Doe, an anonymous publishing platform designed to revitalize civil discourse. Our mission was providing a safe space for marginalized voices to share controversial perspectives without fear of personal attacks. Writers from all backgrounds shared stories they otherwise wouldn't have, describing the experience as cathartic while readers found it echo chamber-breaking.
Civil discourse isn't about agreeing but about challenging ourselves through uncomfortable conversations, much like muscles need resistance to grow stronger. Through real-life stories-including my own experiences building startups-I'll explore what civil discourse can and cannot accomplish, providing practical tools for meaningful conversations without imposing my opinions.
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The Power of Self-Reflection
During COVID, I impulsively shared a tweet suggesting that not emerging from quarantine with new skills, side hustles, or knowledge meant you lacked discipline. This thoughtless post received significant criticism for promoting "Hustle Porn" and ignoring the privileges I took for granted. Critics rightfully pointed out my insensitivity toward essential workers, those with health concerns, family obligations, and limited resources.
Rather than becoming defensive, I used this experience as an opportunity for growth through self-reflection-the foundation of civil discourse. True discourse begins not by focusing on others but by looking inward to understand our own biases, reactions, and shortcomings. This process isn't always comfortable, as our egos often protect us from acknowledging our flaws, but it's essential for genuine growth and meaningful conversation.
We're all metaphorically trapped in Plato's Cave, constrained by familial responsibilities, professional obligations, and social affiliations that limit our perspective. However, through self-reflection, civil discourse, and openness to new ideas, we can escape these limitations and think more freely.
We cannot be completely objective judges of ourselves-we're imperfect beings who frequently get things wrong, yet naturally want to be right. Our viewpoints often stem from emotions rather than reason, and we sometimes alter our perception of reality to feel correct even when objectively wrong. The ego, focused on self-interest and ambition, contrasts with unity consciousness, which recognizes our interconnectedness with all beings.
Japanese philosophy offers valuable perspectives on accepting mistakes and imperfections. The concept of kaizen (continuous improvement) can be applied beyond business settings to personal growth, embracing the understanding that we're not finished products but constantly evolving. Zen Buddhism provides another helpful mindset, teaching the importance of slowing down, reflection, and treating others with compassion. Through meditation-finding quiet solitude, practicing breathwork, and contemplative thought-we can better understand ourselves, recognize our biases, and visualize both past successes and future improvements.
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The Compass of Intention
The fundamental barrier to civil discourse isn't necessarily bad intentions but rather undefined ones. Having well-defined intentions-a conversational compass-helps achieve the ultimate goal: finding truth or producing mutually beneficial results. Without clear intent, conversations can go astray.
Think about a job interview at a bakery as an analogy-simply intending "to get a job" is too vague, like a cookbook that only says "bake cupcakes" without specific instructions. More focused intentions, such as highlighting specific skills or sharing knowledge about baking, prepare you better for the conversation. This specificity allows you to respond meaningfully when questioned rather than staring blankly or becoming confused.
Bad intentions often hide behind seemingly good ones, like a Trojan Horse. Consider Muhammad Yunis's microloans concept, which began with noble intentions to lift women out of poverty through low-interest loans. However, when commercialized by profit-seeking institutions, these microloans transformed into predatory lending with usurious rates, trapping families in debt cycles. While identifying others' bad intentions is difficult, we can examine our own by asking if they're self-serving or benefit others.
Intellectual dishonesty pervades our media landscape because sensationalism and conflict drive viewership. News networks saw increased ratings during the COVID-19 pandemic, demonstrating how disaster attracts attention. This dishonesty extends beyond traditional media to YouTube and podcasts, becoming institutionalized particularly in political discourse where "rightness" becomes the goal.
Bad-faith actors often employ "word salad" statements-deliberately confusing, nonsensical responses that avoid answering direct questions while creating an illusion of engagement. Another technique is "gish gallop," overwhelming opponents with rapid-fire fact-like statements to create a disorienting, messy oral tapestry. Rather than fighting dishonesty with more dishonesty, persistently stating truths and asking questions to understand the other person's motives works better, while avoiding harsh confrontation that breeds defensiveness.
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The Art of Tone
Mr. Rogers exemplifies the quintessential practitioner of excellent tone in civil discourse. His gentle, kind voice allowed for self-reflection when discussing difficult subjects, demonstrating how to treat neighbors with calm and respect regardless of differences. While Mr. Rogers made it look effortless, developing such communication skills takes years of practice-it's a lifelong process of becoming a better listener and conversationalist.
Through my business selling saffron to Iranian diaspora, I learned to adjust my tone across languages and cultures. In business partnerships, my self-confidence was often perceived as arrogance until self-reflection taught me to adopt a more collaborative tone. The Allen Iverson "Practice Rant" press conference demonstrates how tone can redirect conversations-Iverson said "practice" 22 times in different tones to deflect uncomfortable questions, though this damaged civil discourse with reporters.
Similarly, during COVID-19, President Biden's grim warning to the unvaccinated ("a winter of severe illness and death") backfired, as its accusatory tone only hardened anti-vaxxer positions rather than persuading them. These examples show how tone, shaped by mood and intention, can either build bridges or deepen divides.
Your unique tone comprises multiple elements: facial expressions, pacing, vocal pitch, body language, word choice, and even word order. While we can easily recognize others' tones with broad labels like "aggressive" or "energetic," analyzing our own tone requires understanding how others perceive us, not how we perceive ourselves.
Digital tone matters significantly in remote work environments where communication happens through text or video calls. Messages often linger longer than spoken words, making tone even more critical. Reading messages aloud before sending, using tone-detection software like Grammarly, and adding friendly opening and closing lines can help ensure your digital tone matches your intentions.
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Building Trust Through Discourse
Trust forms the foundation of meaningful discourse, as illustrated through my early experience as a thirteen-year-old turtle breeder. Without an established reputation, I had to carefully demonstrate knowledge and speak with calm confidence to build trust with potential buyers. Similarly, Oprah Winfrey built her global audience through trust-viewers believed in her ability to tackle controversial topics with fairness and vulnerability.
Civil discourse requires faith-the willingness to believe without proof-as its foundation. While trust develops from evidence over time, faith is the immediate leap we take when engaging with others, especially strangers. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt rather than requiring them to earn trust first.
For civil discourse to thrive, we must trust the process itself. Despite today's political strife where people seem either politically intense or apathetic, with little middle ground, civil discourse remains possible. The digital age has exacerbated our disconnection-Americans check their phones 96 times daily, replacing real human interaction with technological distraction that makes us less resilient to awkwardness or disagreement.
Self-trust differs crucially from self-confidence-while confidence can be a public facade, genuine self-trust requires honest self-inventory and introspection. Through self-reflection, we bypass ego's protective nature to understand our strengths, weaknesses, limitations and biases. This self-knowledge eliminates the need for self-distrust based on ignorance.
Trust cannot exist in isolation-we must trust others as well as ourselves to engage in civil discourse. Being trustworthy ourselves invites reciprocal trust. Trust extends to our teams and visions, as demonstrated by Henry Ford doubling his workers' wages to $5 per day in 1914 despite declining sales. This counterintuitive move created new potential car buyers among his workforce while reducing turnover.
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The Power of Active Listening
My parents' divorce profoundly affected me, revealing it stemmed partly from a breakdown in civil discourse within their relationship. As a nine-year-old, I found it confusing that adults who instructed children to apologize and reconcile differences couldn't find common ground in their own marriage.
"Irreconcilable differences" often stem from communication failures rather than truly unresolvable issues. While roughly a quarter of American marriages end in divorce, most breakdowns occur because people fail to effectively communicate their needs or-more critically-fail to listen to their partners. Resentment builds when issues go unaddressed, creating a snowball effect that damages relationships.
Active listening means truly hearing someone-not just their words but understanding their intention and tone. Unlike passive listening (which might be called "barely listening"), active listening requires engaging fully with what someone says, even paraphrasing it back to confirm understanding. Some people naturally excel at active listening, while others must work harder due to cultural backgrounds, upbringing, or brain chemistry.
To be an active listener means hearing messages as the speaker intends them, adopting their perspective rather than filtering through personal biases. Practical strategies include: maintaining focus through nodding and verbal acknowledgments, paraphrasing key points, mentally repeating information to improve retention, paying attention to tone and body language, and asking clarifying questions. Passive listening, by contrast, involves merely waiting for your turn to speak while formulating your own response-a habit that signals a desire to "win" rather than understand.
Active listening requires setting aside ego and personal motives to truly understand others. Like meditation, it takes practice but yields significant rewards for communication. There's no step-by-step formula-everyone must find approaches that work for their personality. For those struggling with listening, minimizing speaking and focusing on asking clarifying questions helps, treating listening (receptive) and speaking (projective) as opposing skills that are difficult to perform simultaneously.
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The Art of Attentiveness
Attentiveness is closely related to listening-"two branches of the same tree." Being attentive involves showing speakers you're listening through words, facial expressions, and posture, whether in face-to-face or written communication.
In college, I was argumentative, competitive, and focused on being right rather than understanding. I've since learned that successful people focus less on "sounding smart" and more on asking questions and showing genuine interest-making others feel seen rather than delivering monologues. This approach creates more meaningful connections and conversations.
While this may seem obvious, most people are unaware of how they project their own interests and values, sometimes literally shouting down others. This lack of attentiveness contributes to societal division-when people don't feel heard, they feel devalued and may resort to extremism. Attentiveness requires making the other person feel safe and comfortable, not just absorbing information.
StoryCorps, founded by David Isay in 2003, has recorded over half a million personal stories. Their "One Small Step" project brings together people from opposite ends of the political spectrum for civil conversations. The success of this project demonstrates how attentiveness creates space for understanding despite differences.
This connects to contact theory-research showing that controlled interactions between groups with different backgrounds can reduce prejudice. When people who perceive each other as different engage in attentive, active listening, real breakthroughs can occur.
Attentiveness is fundamentally about kindness and compassion. Once you've found topics that make others comfortable, active listening becomes crucial-showing interest through body language by leaning forward, nodding, making eye contact, and keeping arms uncrossed. We currently live in what David Isay calls a "culture of contempt" where people enter conversations expecting the worst. Making others feel safe can change conversation trajectories completely.
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Maintaining Focus in a Distracted World
Just as riders must remain aware of their horse's state and provide reassurance when needed, people need focus to succeed in discourse despite the countless distractions of modern life. Ichigyo Zammai, an ancient Japanese Zen Buddhist practice focused on doing one thing at a time with complete presence, has helped me become calmer and more attentive by breaking complex tasks into manageable, focused actions.
Rather than approaching tasks with racing thoughts about what comes next, I find peace in singular focus. When writing this book, instead of being overwhelmed by the entire project, I broke it down into manageable chunks-starting with a simple story, then focusing on individual sentences, paragraphs, and eventually sections. This chunking approach makes disciplined writing possible.
Focus is like a muscle that can be trained, particularly by concentrating on tasks we enjoy, which helps us listen more intently during conversations-placing focus at the cornerstone of civil discourse. Phones and social media are major focus-breakers; I recommend putting devices away during focused work.
Mindfulness meditation offers another powerful tool for enhancing focus. For those with hummingbird-like minds constantly darting between thoughts, meditation offers a way to calm the mind and focus on the present moment rather than anxious thoughts about the future or regretful reflections on the past.
First Principles Thinking helps us tackle challenges by breaking down complex issues to their core truths. Working from shared First Principles allows leaders to focus teams on common goals with a shared vocabulary for productive discourse. To discover First Principles, ask probing questions like "Why is this happening?", "What chain of events led here?", "Can we simplify this language?", and "What would be the consequences?" Children naturally demonstrate this approach with their endless "why" questions-a habit we often lose as adults but should reclaim.
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Finding Common Ground in a Divided World
When I was nine, my sister and I, caught in the crossfire of our parents' separation, initially resented my father's new partner. We tried ignoring and antagonizing her, hoping to drive her away. But unlike in movies, our childish revenge tactics failed. Eventually, we found common ground: we all loved my father. This experience taught me that revenge has no place in civil discourse.
Conflicts typically arise when people fail to find common ground. Whether between classmates on a project or nations on the brink of war, identifying shared interests is key to moving from antagonism toward collaboration. As humans, we share biological and cultural realities that create a foundation for connection-we all breathe, sleep, eat, and experience similar emotions.
We are fundamentally social animals who understand ourselves through relationships with others. Our ancestors developed "tit-for-tat" reciprocity as a survival technique-sharing resources created mutual obligation that benefited everyone. This capacity for empathy isn't exclusively human. Studies show various animals demonstrate protective and empathetic behaviors toward others, particularly within their groups.
Daryl Davis, an African-American musician who befriended KKK members and helped over 200 leave the organization, demonstrates how dedicated effort can build empathy with even the most unlikely individuals. Through direct personal connection, he was able to "chip away at their ideology" by finding commonalities and building relationships. As he explains, "When two enemies are talking, they're not fighting."
Most people need more than just shared humanity to establish common ground. Too often, conversations begin with our biggest differences, creating an adversarial dynamic where participants aim to defeat their opponent rather than understand them. I recommend starting interactions by finding basic commonalities rather than jumping straight to controversial topics.
Humor offers one of the most universal pathways to human connection. It keeps conversations friendly, reminds everyone they're starting from common ground, and creates a shared space of civility and human connection. Comedy creates that "don't you just hate it when" sense where everyone relates to some universal experience. Humor breaks down barriers, creates common ground, and jump-starts trust between speakers.
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Embracing Conflict in Perspectives
Conflict is a necessary element of civil discourse-not antagonism, but the natural presence of conflicting ideas and perspectives. Without this element, discourse would merely be agreement between like-minded people. Expecting and preparing for civil conflict ensures productive engagement.
Perspective is inherently subjective and unique to every individual. Even people who share opinions on nearly everything still see the world from different vantage points. Given enough conversation, conflicts in perspective will inevitably emerge-ranging from simple visual differences to profound disagreements about existence itself.
The viral 2015 "dress debate" (white/gold vs. black/blue) demonstrates how our brains interpret visual information differently. As NYU psychology professor Pascal Wallisch explained, people's perception of color is informed by their perspective of lighting, with brains confidently filling gaps in knowledge by making assumptions when faced with uncertainty.
This subjectivity extends to all forms of perception. While objective reality may exist outside human perception, we can only access it through our subjective experiences-making civil discourse with others essential for expanding our understanding of the world.
Despite the anxiety surrounding conflicts in perspective, differing opinions shouldn't be avoided-they're essential to civil discourse. When The Doe published the controversial article "Having an Orgasm During Rape," there was initial backlash. However, for those who read it completely, the consensus was that the author shared a terrible experience and found peace through sharing her story. Both the author and The Doe invited conflicts in perspective, resulting in some of the most profound discourse since the website's 2019 launch.
I'm not suggesting bringing up controversial topics at family dinner, but there's more power in speaking truth than staying silent. Avoiding conflict is easy but leads nowhere. Instead, invite conflict, look for differences of opinion, ask questions, and tell your story-civil discourse can be both productive and cathartic when approached with respect and honesty.
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Navigating Through Poor Discourse
While "avoid poor discourse" might sound like a cop-out, there's a crucial distinction between collaborative and combative, productive and unproductive, civil and uncivil discourse. Drawing these lines allows you to avoid poor discourse without simply running away from challenging ideas or people.
Social media has fundamentally altered how we interact as a species. While it enables unprecedented connection with diverse people worldwide, it simultaneously creates personalized bubbles that reinforce our existing beliefs and rarely expose us to opposing viewpoints. This algorithmic tribalism makes us increasingly likely to react with hostility rather than open-mindedness when encountering different perspectives.
Bad-faith actors-those who have no intention of engaging in civil discourse but merely seek to disrupt, confuse, or anger others-are the primary cause of poor discourse. Before walking away from such encounters, it's crucial to distinguish between unconscious poor discourse (which can be redirected) and deliberate bad-faith engagement (which rarely yields productive results).
Even in hostile environments like the January 6, 2021 Capitol riots, journalists found many protesters willing to engage sincerely despite their anger. This demonstrates that even in extreme circumstances, people fundamentally want to be understood. Bad-faith actors, conversely, push narratives while ignoring questions or using misdirection.
As F. Scott Fitzgerald noted, "To be kind is more important than to be right; many times, what people need is not a brilliant mind that speaks but a special heart that listens." Civil discourse requires both an open mind and heart, prioritizing kindness over being right.
Sometimes discourse deteriorates beyond repair-when emotions become too strained, bad-faith actors refuse to change approach, or strong personalities clash without compromise. In these cases, walking away becomes necessary to prevent frustration from poisoning future conversations. The best prevention is actively developing a culture of trust, reflection, listening and attentiveness at every organizational level.
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The Future of Civil Discourse
The evolution of communication technology has transformed how we engage in discourse. From Gutenberg's printing press to social media, our ability to share and consume ideas has expanded dramatically. However, today's digital landscape presents unique challenges-we can instantly engage but also lock ourselves into public positions that hinder personal growth.
Thomas Jefferson and John Adams exemplify the power of civil discourse. Despite being opposites physically and ideologically, their friendship shaped American history through reasoned debate. Though they fell into uncivil discourse during Adams's presidency and stopped speaking for twelve years, they eventually rekindled their relationship through letter writing. Their 185 letters show a deepening friendship built on respect and brilliant discourse. Both died on July 4, 1826-the Declaration's 50th anniversary-demonstrating how civil discourse can transform both society and personal relationships, while reminding us that maintaining civility requires lifelong effort.
We must actively work to become better listeners and more respectful speakers, treating civil discourse as a lifelong pursuit. To promote civil discourse in our communities, we can: serve as role models in professional environments, get involved in community organizations, support programs teaching discourse skills to the next generation, and build innovative solutions to improve discourse.
You can't change everyone's mind or always find common ground, and that's okay. Many of us naturally seek validation for feeling right, but none of us are perfect. We must adapt to new information and give others space to speak their minds with civility, care, and respect. The best conversations view discussion as a gateway to solutions, not just opinion-venting. Most people surround themselves with like-minded individuals, reinforcing echo chambers that make civil discourse difficult. If there's one takeaway from this book: have conversations with people you disagree with, be open to their perspectives, understand their reasoning, and always see their humanity. That's how we'll heal our world.
